Jo came in today wearing something that - as Dan described it - 'looked like something that his Nana would use as a cushion,'
"You're always getting at me," Jo retorted. "You laugh at the things I do. Calling me Nicki. You made fun of my boyfriend and think that he's a git." She said.
"No. We don't think he's a git," I told her in my most concerned supervisory tone.
"I'm not seeing him anymore," Jo said.
"Ok," said Gareth. "Actually he is a git then. We always thought he was."
"You could do better than him," added Ted. Dan looked hopeful. The look on his face faded when Sue emerged from Jez's team. Her arm was in a plastercast. The result of a longwinded incident involving one of her cats, some worming tablets and a swivel chair.
"There's a funny smell coming from my PC," She told me eyeing up Kate's empty desk expectantly. This was a strange excuse from a woman to whom I'd had to explain the use of deoderant in a civilised society.
I asked her to tell Jez, but he was in a meeting.
"I don't want to use it in case it electrocutes me or summat," She said (Sue was from Leeds)
I was about to show her to Kate's empty desk but saw the look of extreme panic in Dan's eyes. I found another desk away from our team.
"You ever upset me and I'm requesting that she's transfered to our team," I told Dan.
31 August 2006
29 August 2006
Tuesday - Damage Limitation
Sue the temp - yes, she's still here - claimed that her PC was making a funny buzzing noise today. She was reluctant to sit at her desk in case the screen exploded and gave her a number of unwanted piercings.
Jez was on manoeuvres so I sat her in the Kate's old desk opposite Dan. For the rest of the afternoon, Sue battered Dan with a torrent of banal chatter about her dog, her mum and all of the accidents she keeps having. No wonder she was worried about the screen. She seemed to have taken a shine to Dan, much in the same way that a puppy likes to slobber over an old slipper. I phoned the helpdesk to get them to look into her buzzing PC.
Gary summoned me to his desk. "Anne's asked me to have a word with you," He said. I knew it must be bad because Anne always asked Gary to have a word when she was very, very, very, very angry and didn't want to do ten years for manslaughter.
"You raised an IT request a couple of weeks ago," Gary continued. I nodded. "The thing is, I, and Anne need to understand this IT request. And IT need to know who authorised it in this department."
"I authorised it. I've got departmental self-authorisation for up to £1000 spend. It's normal team leader authority level."
"But who gave you that authority?" Asked Gary.
"Anne did. She asked for it because she was fed up of having to authorise all IT requests herself."
"Ah. Right," Said Gary. "Anne wants to see all IT requests in future. Before you authorise them."
"So she wants to authorise them again?"
"No. You can still authorise them but Anne needs to see them first. And agree that they can be authorised."
Suddenly I understood what had happened. "This has all come about because of my complaints about IT not meeting with their service standards isn't it. Someone has started asking these questions to deflect attention away from their department and focus it on something completely inconsequential,"
"I don't know the ins and outs of the background of this," said Gary. "But Anne's asked that you don't do anything, or say anything, to anyone outside this department that may draw any sort of attention to us."
Jez was on manoeuvres so I sat her in the Kate's old desk opposite Dan. For the rest of the afternoon, Sue battered Dan with a torrent of banal chatter about her dog, her mum and all of the accidents she keeps having. No wonder she was worried about the screen. She seemed to have taken a shine to Dan, much in the same way that a puppy likes to slobber over an old slipper. I phoned the helpdesk to get them to look into her buzzing PC.
Gary summoned me to his desk. "Anne's asked me to have a word with you," He said. I knew it must be bad because Anne always asked Gary to have a word when she was very, very, very, very angry and didn't want to do ten years for manslaughter.
"You raised an IT request a couple of weeks ago," Gary continued. I nodded. "The thing is, I, and Anne need to understand this IT request. And IT need to know who authorised it in this department."
"I authorised it. I've got departmental self-authorisation for up to £1000 spend. It's normal team leader authority level."
"But who gave you that authority?" Asked Gary.
"Anne did. She asked for it because she was fed up of having to authorise all IT requests herself."
"Ah. Right," Said Gary. "Anne wants to see all IT requests in future. Before you authorise them."
"So she wants to authorise them again?"
"No. You can still authorise them but Anne needs to see them first. And agree that they can be authorised."
Suddenly I understood what had happened. "This has all come about because of my complaints about IT not meeting with their service standards isn't it. Someone has started asking these questions to deflect attention away from their department and focus it on something completely inconsequential,"
"I don't know the ins and outs of the background of this," said Gary. "But Anne's asked that you don't do anything, or say anything, to anyone outside this department that may draw any sort of attention to us."
23 August 2006
Wednesday - Viewing Habits
Big Brother is finally off the air so no longer do I have to put up with Ms Wage-Slave's 10 PM Channel 4 obsession but I also don't have to put up with Jo, Dan and Gareth bleating on about who they want to win every morning.
My relief this week has been shortlived. 'Love Island' has replaced conversation about how mad Nicky is (See I even know their names!) and Jo has reminded me that a new series of X-Factor began on Saturday so I have to endure yet more of Simon Cowell cruelly destroying the hopes of untalented people who clearly appear to have quite severe learning disabilities.
I've started socialising in the canteen with Ted. Despite the age gap I worry that I have more in common with him than the others. He is giving me grumbling lessons.
My relief this week has been shortlived. 'Love Island' has replaced conversation about how mad Nicky is (See I even know their names!) and Jo has reminded me that a new series of X-Factor began on Saturday so I have to endure yet more of Simon Cowell cruelly destroying the hopes of untalented people who clearly appear to have quite severe learning disabilities.
I've started socialising in the canteen with Ted. Despite the age gap I worry that I have more in common with him than the others. He is giving me grumbling lessons.
Tuesday - Easy to do business with
The new corporate buzz phrase is that 'we're easy to do business with' and the now ubiquitous phrase can be found in company magazines, promotional literature, advertising guff and on the toilet rolls in the company washrooms.
My own dealings, however, as a member of the company, and technically, an insider with assumed inside knowledge, have been far from easy. My encounter with Eastern Europe is a case in point. If even I can't get through to the right person in the corporation and am subjected to the 'one-way system' of telephonic technology, what hope is there for Distressed of Ealing? The inhouse phone directory was a dead-end, a friendly voice cutting me off after announcing that 'the person I need is not available right now. Please call again later.' and switchboard could not put me through because 'all lines to that department are now routed to the Baltic Sea.
My day was made worse by a friendly little email from the IT department stating that my IT request was now complete and had been closed. I opened my desktop and sure enough there was a new and shiny little icon just waiting to be clicked. But clicking on it only brought about a sudden snarl of agression from the PC , that unwelcome miskeyed chord that microsoft windows loves so much.
'You do not have the required access for this application. Please see your system administrator.'
Obviously IT were wrong and the IT request had not been completed. I phoned the number given in the email.
'Oh no,' said the officious IT request minion. "'Your IT request did not specify that you wanted to be able to use the application. You just requested the application on your desktop,'
'Well what do you think I wanted it there for? To make the desktop look pretty? Of course I wanted to use it,'
'Not on the request,' said the IT drone, knowing that if he could keep me from reinstating the IT request that there would be one less IT request on the outstanding IT request backlog report. 'If you want to use the application you'll have to complete a new IT request,' He said smugly. 'There's a 10 working day service level standard.'
Match point to IT.
My own dealings, however, as a member of the company, and technically, an insider with assumed inside knowledge, have been far from easy. My encounter with Eastern Europe is a case in point. If even I can't get through to the right person in the corporation and am subjected to the 'one-way system' of telephonic technology, what hope is there for Distressed of Ealing? The inhouse phone directory was a dead-end, a friendly voice cutting me off after announcing that 'the person I need is not available right now. Please call again later.' and switchboard could not put me through because 'all lines to that department are now routed to the Baltic Sea.
My day was made worse by a friendly little email from the IT department stating that my IT request was now complete and had been closed. I opened my desktop and sure enough there was a new and shiny little icon just waiting to be clicked. But clicking on it only brought about a sudden snarl of agression from the PC , that unwelcome miskeyed chord that microsoft windows loves so much.
'You do not have the required access for this application. Please see your system administrator.'
Obviously IT were wrong and the IT request had not been completed. I phoned the number given in the email.
'Oh no,' said the officious IT request minion. "'Your IT request did not specify that you wanted to be able to use the application. You just requested the application on your desktop,'
'Well what do you think I wanted it there for? To make the desktop look pretty? Of course I wanted to use it,'
'Not on the request,' said the IT drone, knowing that if he could keep me from reinstating the IT request that there would be one less IT request on the outstanding IT request backlog report. 'If you want to use the application you'll have to complete a new IT request,' He said smugly. 'There's a 10 working day service level standard.'
Match point to IT.
15 August 2006
Tuesday - Passage to Poland
As part of further investigation into 'Arrogant man's' complaint, I had to phone the Head Underwriting Office. Unfortunately a number of our most basic functions have been outsourced to the newly EU'd up Eastern European neighbours to 'improve customer service' under the new macho, Leopard Project. - Why do these project sponsors give them such agressive titles. Do they believe that they're really spies working for MI6? A reality check is needed urgently -
I called the external number for our Manchester office, an 0870 number, given to customers so that they can be happy in the fact that they are charged to phone up and complain.
The phone was answered, I needed to speak to a woman called Emma who had apparently dealt with 'arrogant man' before matters had escalated to their current meltdown status and 'arrogant man' started worrying about God jumping the queue in front of him.
"Goodafternoon. Youarethroughto'Michael', IamacustomerservicesrepresentativeintheCustomerServicesdepartment. MayIhaveapolicynumberplease?" Said a heavily accented voice that sounded as if he was auditioning for a school play.
"I need to speak to Emma - Can you put me through to her?"
This obviously threw 'Michael'.
"I'm-sorry-may-I-have-your-policy-number-please?"
"It's not about a policy. I need to speak to Emma in the Head Underwriters,"
"I'm-sorry," Michael said. I hadn't stuck to the script and he couldn't handle it. "I-am-not-able-to-understand-your-request. Please-can-you-provide-me-with-a-policy-number-so-that-I-may-assist-you?
"My name is Luke Willshire from the Company Complaints team in ---. I'm trying to get through to the Manchester Head Underwriting. Am I through to Gdansk?"
'Michael' seemed to relax a bit more now. "Which-department-does-he-work-in?"
"Manchester Head Underwriting," I said patiently.
"Yes. In which department does he work?"
"Don't worry. I'll try sonething else," I told 'Michael'.
I rang off and phoned through to switchboard. These ladies knew everything. I had a sneaky suspicion that they were the real controllers of the company. I explained my dilemma and asked if they could transfer me to Manchester Head Underwriting.
The phone rang. Someone answered.
"Goodafternoonyouarethroughto'Simon'Iamacustomerservicesrepresentativeincustomerserviceshowmayihelpyou?"
I called the external number for our Manchester office, an 0870 number, given to customers so that they can be happy in the fact that they are charged to phone up and complain.
The phone was answered, I needed to speak to a woman called Emma who had apparently dealt with 'arrogant man' before matters had escalated to their current meltdown status and 'arrogant man' started worrying about God jumping the queue in front of him.
"Goodafternoon. Youarethroughto'Michael', IamacustomerservicesrepresentativeintheCustomerServicesdepartment. MayIhaveapolicynumberplease?" Said a heavily accented voice that sounded as if he was auditioning for a school play.
"I need to speak to Emma - Can you put me through to her?"
This obviously threw 'Michael'.
"I'm-sorry-may-I-have-your-policy-number-please?"
"It's not about a policy. I need to speak to Emma in the Head Underwriters,"
"I'm-sorry," Michael said. I hadn't stuck to the script and he couldn't handle it. "I-am-not-able-to-understand-your-request. Please-can-you-provide-me-with-a-policy-number-so-that-I-may-assist-you?
"My name is Luke Willshire from the Company Complaints team in ---. I'm trying to get through to the Manchester Head Underwriting. Am I through to Gdansk?"
'Michael' seemed to relax a bit more now. "Which-department-does-he-work-in?"
"Manchester Head Underwriting," I said patiently.
"Yes. In which department does he work?"
"Don't worry. I'll try sonething else," I told 'Michael'.
I rang off and phoned through to switchboard. These ladies knew everything. I had a sneaky suspicion that they were the real controllers of the company. I explained my dilemma and asked if they could transfer me to Manchester Head Underwriting.
The phone rang. Someone answered.
"Goodafternoonyouarethroughto'Simon'Iamacustomerservicesrepresentativeincustomerserviceshowmayihelpyou?"
14 August 2006
Monday (again) - Suspicions about Anne
I'm getting really slack at keeping the blog up to date for which I can only apologise. The trouble is I have too much real life going on at the moment and sometimes writing this makes me feel like I'm just living all of the bad bits - twice!
I've noticed a couple of things about Anne. Maybe I'm a bit slow but it seems that Jez, and anyone in his team can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how little Anne thought of them prior to joining his team, once they're in they're angels. Kate is a case in point. I had to battle to get her efforts recognised when she was in my team. Now she's in Jez's, she only has to turn up and she's employee of the month. But it doesn't stop there.
After my run in with 'the most arrogant man in the world' last week. I had to provide Anne with a full investigation of the incidents leading up to his complaint. I can't go into detail here but it is partly although not entirely connected to a failure of one of our accounting processes. I explained this to Anne on my brief. She didn't believe me. She asked me questions about the account process. I answered them and explained exactly how it works and why in this case it didn't for this customer. She took my file and shooed me out of her cave, thanking me, but only as an afterthought from her 'getting the best from your employees training module.'
I overheard her putting the same questions to Jez a short while later, and Jez, knowing the same about processes as I do, gave her exactly the same answers that I did. With one difference.
She believed Jez.
Is it that I don't sound convincing? Does my nose grow and spout leaves when I talk to people? Why wouldn't Anne believe me but listen to Jez even though he is saying the same thing that I am.
It appears to both me and Tracey (I caught her crying after one nasty run-in with her earlier) that Anne judges people by her own perception of them rather than the reality. As a result, in Anne's mind, Jez is a hard-working, strong willed, disciplanarian who really brings his team on.
In my view, Jez is a bolshy slacker, who does what he can to appease his team members (ie; long lunches, leave agreed whenever they want it without department needs considered) and then
blags everything the rest of the time. But my view doesn't count. I'm not signing the appraisals.
If the most successful people in the company are the biggest bullshitters, someone had better have a large shovel handy.
I've noticed a couple of things about Anne. Maybe I'm a bit slow but it seems that Jez, and anyone in his team can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how little Anne thought of them prior to joining his team, once they're in they're angels. Kate is a case in point. I had to battle to get her efforts recognised when she was in my team. Now she's in Jez's, she only has to turn up and she's employee of the month. But it doesn't stop there.
After my run in with 'the most arrogant man in the world' last week. I had to provide Anne with a full investigation of the incidents leading up to his complaint. I can't go into detail here but it is partly although not entirely connected to a failure of one of our accounting processes. I explained this to Anne on my brief. She didn't believe me. She asked me questions about the account process. I answered them and explained exactly how it works and why in this case it didn't for this customer. She took my file and shooed me out of her cave, thanking me, but only as an afterthought from her 'getting the best from your employees training module.'
I overheard her putting the same questions to Jez a short while later, and Jez, knowing the same about processes as I do, gave her exactly the same answers that I did. With one difference.
She believed Jez.
Is it that I don't sound convincing? Does my nose grow and spout leaves when I talk to people? Why wouldn't Anne believe me but listen to Jez even though he is saying the same thing that I am.
It appears to both me and Tracey (I caught her crying after one nasty run-in with her earlier) that Anne judges people by her own perception of them rather than the reality. As a result, in Anne's mind, Jez is a hard-working, strong willed, disciplanarian who really brings his team on.
In my view, Jez is a bolshy slacker, who does what he can to appease his team members (ie; long lunches, leave agreed whenever they want it without department needs considered) and then
blags everything the rest of the time. But my view doesn't count. I'm not signing the appraisals.
If the most successful people in the company are the biggest bullshitters, someone had better have a large shovel handy.
01 August 2006
Tuesday - The most arrogant man in the world
We live in a 24 hour, want-it-now, customer-is-always-right society and it shows in the attitudes of some of our callers. I have been threatened with Watchdog, the severest of letters to MP's and even on one occassion 'to be sorted out' when I left the office, but most of the time its just a nod and a wink and a 'what can you do for me? '. Because everyone knows, if you don't complain, you don't get.
If we're in the wrong, its easy to deal with, apologise profusely, offer some sort of compensation - not neccessarily monetary, but if we're not then that's a different story. I've known of customers who've lost their houses and families through the most monumental corporate cock-ups and then apologise to us for inconveniencing us when they call in six months later to chase things up and then others who'll demand thousands of pounds in compensation because we've got an extra 'e' in their surname. Even though it was copied from their own handwritten proposal form.
This brings me to today's subject - Mr Arrogantarse - yes, you know who you are. No use hiding.
Ted called me over to his desk.
"I've got someone who insists on speaking to a team leader," Ted said. I nodded and switched into sympathetic but firm senior staff member mode and took the handset from Ted.
"Hello. My name is Luke Willshire. I'm Ted's team leader, how may I help you?"
"Are you a manager?" The voice asked.
"I'm a team leader," I said foolishly.
"I asked for a manager." His voice started to increase in pitch as if someone was winding him up. "I specifically asked for a manager. I don't believe this company,"
"I am Ted's direct line manager," said hoping to placate the caller. wasn't going to argue semantics and the corporate heirarchy.
"I don't want to speak to you. I asked for the most senior manager there. Are you the most senior person in your office?"
This could have gone two ways. I could have blagged it as other colleagues have done but this could backfire and badly.
"No. But I am the best person to help you with your enquiry. If you could tell me what it is about then -"
"Not good enough. I want to speak to the most senior manager. I want to speak to them now. I don't want to talk to you. You are not a manager."
I had enough of Anne telling me this everyday. Now the customers were too. Anne was in her cave scowling at bar charts whilst loading a heavy duty salmon and cream-cheese bagel into her mouth. Gary was at his desk reading e-mails.
"I'm afraid the manager is on the phone at the moment," I said. "Could you tell me what this is in realtion to?"
"What is his name?"
"Anne Sullivan," I said. She wouldn't be happy.
"Well she better be speaking to God because only he is more important than me," said the caller.
"I will get her to call you back," I said thinking that I could give her some breathing space.
"As soon as she is off the phone," the caller said and then hung up the phone. I didn't get his name or number. Was he that arrogant - or stupid to believe that we knew exactly who he was or what his number was.
I checked with Ted to see if he had any more information. He didn't. The only thing he'd said was that he wanted to speak to a manager.
"You could always tell Anne that Jesus called and she knows where he is," said Dan.
If we're in the wrong, its easy to deal with, apologise profusely, offer some sort of compensation - not neccessarily monetary, but if we're not then that's a different story. I've known of customers who've lost their houses and families through the most monumental corporate cock-ups and then apologise to us for inconveniencing us when they call in six months later to chase things up and then others who'll demand thousands of pounds in compensation because we've got an extra 'e' in their surname. Even though it was copied from their own handwritten proposal form.
This brings me to today's subject - Mr Arrogantarse - yes, you know who you are. No use hiding.
Ted called me over to his desk.
"I've got someone who insists on speaking to a team leader," Ted said. I nodded and switched into sympathetic but firm senior staff member mode and took the handset from Ted.
"Hello. My name is Luke Willshire. I'm Ted's team leader, how may I help you?"
"Are you a manager?" The voice asked.
"I'm a team leader," I said foolishly.
"I asked for a manager." His voice started to increase in pitch as if someone was winding him up. "I specifically asked for a manager. I don't believe this company,"
"I am Ted's direct line manager," said hoping to placate the caller. wasn't going to argue semantics and the corporate heirarchy.
"I don't want to speak to you. I asked for the most senior manager there. Are you the most senior person in your office?"
This could have gone two ways. I could have blagged it as other colleagues have done but this could backfire and badly.
"No. But I am the best person to help you with your enquiry. If you could tell me what it is about then -"
"Not good enough. I want to speak to the most senior manager. I want to speak to them now. I don't want to talk to you. You are not a manager."
I had enough of Anne telling me this everyday. Now the customers were too. Anne was in her cave scowling at bar charts whilst loading a heavy duty salmon and cream-cheese bagel into her mouth. Gary was at his desk reading e-mails.
"I'm afraid the manager is on the phone at the moment," I said. "Could you tell me what this is in realtion to?"
"What is his name?"
"Anne Sullivan," I said. She wouldn't be happy.
"Well she better be speaking to God because only he is more important than me," said the caller.
"I will get her to call you back," I said thinking that I could give her some breathing space.
"As soon as she is off the phone," the caller said and then hung up the phone. I didn't get his name or number. Was he that arrogant - or stupid to believe that we knew exactly who he was or what his number was.
I checked with Ted to see if he had any more information. He didn't. The only thing he'd said was that he wanted to speak to a manager.
"You could always tell Anne that Jesus called and she knows where he is," said Dan.
26 July 2006
Wednesday - Smelly Temp
Emailed instructions from Anne today as she was away at Head Office: 1- Make sure that backlog's cleared. 2-Keep phone levels at 95% 3- Deal with Jez's temp hygiene problem.
I had to reread the third instruction three times before it sank in. She wasn't referring to Dave but Jez's other temp - Sue. Sitting over the other side of the office I wasn't aware that she had a hygiene problem and as she was Jez's temp I couldn't understand why I had to deal with it.
The trouble is how do you approach something like that? Just tell them they smell? Suggest they use deoderant? What if it's due to a medical condition? I don't want to hurt the woman's feelings and she always looks likes shes about to burst into tears.
I prepared my interview with her and plan exactly what I'm going to say. I even prepared responses to anticipated replies.
I took Sue into a meeting room, the odour was like a solid wall. I could have chewed on it if I'd dared to breath.
"Sue," I began. "I've been asked to speak to you -"
Before I could finish she interupted me.
"Oh sorry have I forgotten to spray again?"
I nod.
"Sorry I was in such a rush this morning. Can I nip out to Boots and sort myself out?"
I have no alternative but to let her go. Surprisingly she returns and balsts her pits in the middle of the office without any hint of embarrassment.
"Can you sort out Gareth's wind problem as well," Suggests Ted.
I had to reread the third instruction three times before it sank in. She wasn't referring to Dave but Jez's other temp - Sue. Sitting over the other side of the office I wasn't aware that she had a hygiene problem and as she was Jez's temp I couldn't understand why I had to deal with it.
The trouble is how do you approach something like that? Just tell them they smell? Suggest they use deoderant? What if it's due to a medical condition? I don't want to hurt the woman's feelings and she always looks likes shes about to burst into tears.
I prepared my interview with her and plan exactly what I'm going to say. I even prepared responses to anticipated replies.
I took Sue into a meeting room, the odour was like a solid wall. I could have chewed on it if I'd dared to breath.
"Sue," I began. "I've been asked to speak to you -"
Before I could finish she interupted me.
"Oh sorry have I forgotten to spray again?"
I nod.
"Sorry I was in such a rush this morning. Can I nip out to Boots and sort myself out?"
I have no alternative but to let her go. Surprisingly she returns and balsts her pits in the middle of the office without any hint of embarrassment.
"Can you sort out Gareth's wind problem as well," Suggests Ted.
25 July 2006
Tuesday - PC's of Fire
The quiet of the day was broken by a scream from Jo's desk.
"My PC's on fire," she told me in a panic.
She'd moved the base unit to free up some wires that had snagged at the back and had noticed an orange flame behind the grille at the back of the PC. I got to it just before Dan had thrown a cup of water over the machine.
A quick check revealed no smoke or burning and the orange glow was merely the result of an LED quietly doing its job and letting us know that the connection it monitored was indeed connected.
"No Jo, I don't think you're stupid." I said pre-empting her usual wail, "It is better to be safe than sorry and anyone could have made the same mistake."
"My PC's on fire," she told me in a panic.
She'd moved the base unit to free up some wires that had snagged at the back and had noticed an orange flame behind the grille at the back of the PC. I got to it just before Dan had thrown a cup of water over the machine.
A quick check revealed no smoke or burning and the orange glow was merely the result of an LED quietly doing its job and letting us know that the connection it monitored was indeed connected.
"No Jo, I don't think you're stupid." I said pre-empting her usual wail, "It is better to be safe than sorry and anyone could have made the same mistake."
24 July 2006
Monday - Dan's Free Scotch Egg of Doom
Only two days to go until IT have passed their SLA for delivery of my IT request. Of course I've not heard any thing from them on it since my last heated discussion with them. I suspect that no one has looked at it yet and it is probably won't be until the SLA has passed. To IT, the term 'Action by' translates as 'Instigate action on'.
Anne told us how lucky we were to have her as a boss this morning. Gary is looking more and more drawn with each passing day. I believe he may regret his decision to join this company and leave the service of his last employer. Anne has already started to drop hints about getting a troubleshooter in to sort our problems out. She seems to have forgotten that that was Gary's role when he joined us.
To cheer myself up I found myself tagging along with the staff on a foray at lunchtime. It wasn't that I deliberately went out with them, Dan and Gareth just happened to be walking in the same direction for lunch.
It was quite educational. Their greatest daily obstacle was endeavouring to make sure that they didn't miss any of the scantily clad women that seem to flood the streets when the temperature rose. They taught me how to forage for food from the freebie promotional people that occassionally hung around on the High Street. Yesterday it had been some tinned fruit drink that contained less citric acid and sodium benzoate than usual fruit flavoured soft-drinks but was made with almost 25% real fruit extract. Dan told me that after eighteen of those bad boys he'd spent most of yesterday afternoon on the toilet. Today it was a new scotch egg based snack that those other wage slaves with less pride than I queued up for at the stand put up for the promotional campaign.
Gareth and Dan nabbed twenty between them. I just got the two from the girls that pressed them into my hands as I passed. We saw Dave trying on his cheeky cockney charm with one of the promotional girls. He gave her his number promising that 'he'd show her a good time,'. He then saw us and then kept muttering that 'there were gonna be repercussions'.
Back at the office Jo told us how she was such a good judge of character. Dan politely ate his scotch-egg based snack without saying a word.
Anne told us how lucky we were to have her as a boss this morning. Gary is looking more and more drawn with each passing day. I believe he may regret his decision to join this company and leave the service of his last employer. Anne has already started to drop hints about getting a troubleshooter in to sort our problems out. She seems to have forgotten that that was Gary's role when he joined us.
To cheer myself up I found myself tagging along with the staff on a foray at lunchtime. It wasn't that I deliberately went out with them, Dan and Gareth just happened to be walking in the same direction for lunch.
It was quite educational. Their greatest daily obstacle was endeavouring to make sure that they didn't miss any of the scantily clad women that seem to flood the streets when the temperature rose. They taught me how to forage for food from the freebie promotional people that occassionally hung around on the High Street. Yesterday it had been some tinned fruit drink that contained less citric acid and sodium benzoate than usual fruit flavoured soft-drinks but was made with almost 25% real fruit extract. Dan told me that after eighteen of those bad boys he'd spent most of yesterday afternoon on the toilet. Today it was a new scotch egg based snack that those other wage slaves with less pride than I queued up for at the stand put up for the promotional campaign.
Gareth and Dan nabbed twenty between them. I just got the two from the girls that pressed them into my hands as I passed. We saw Dave trying on his cheeky cockney charm with one of the promotional girls. He gave her his number promising that 'he'd show her a good time,'. He then saw us and then kept muttering that 'there were gonna be repercussions'.
Back at the office Jo told us how she was such a good judge of character. Dan politely ate his scotch-egg based snack without saying a word.
12 July 2006
Wednesday - Greener grass
The battle of the IT request continues. After yesterday's fiasco I completed another online form. For good measure I phoned up the team in Glasgow to stress that it was treated as priority.
"We cannot escalate it yet," The voice on the end of the phone told me. "It hasn't passed its service level standard yet."
"What's the service level standard?" I asked foolishly.
"Ten working days,"
"So if its urgent I can't get it prioritised until its too late?"
"No. That's not what I said. You cannot escalate this IT request until it is over its SLA."
"So this should be complete in 10 working days then?"
"Yeah. Of course. It should be complete in 10 working days," The voice on the phone replied. His tone didn't fill me with confidence and I got the distinct impression that he kept putting me on mute to update his laughing colleagues about my naievity.
In the team, discussion was about the XYZ company that was currently sponsoring a massive recruitment drive. According to Gareth, they paid twice as much, had double the amount of holidays, better company perks, a staff gym that was free to use and provided a free bar for anyone working the weekend.
Dan joined in. He'd heard that they organised fully paid weekends away for staff at Alton Towers and Eurodisney. At lunchtime they'd both arranged to visit the agency advertising their vacancies and sign themselves up. The rumour spread across the office and soon most of the floor had visited the agency.
Anne wondered what was wrong. I told her that morale was low at the moment due to our rapidly increasing workloads. I couldn't tell her that all of her staff were deserting her for our biggest competitor. She was in a lighter mood than normal.
"I've just the solution," she said. She left the office with her handbag, unusual for daylight hours, to return half an hour later. Put these out for everyone," she said handing me four packets of chocolate 'Hob Nobs'. She almost winked at me as if she was some sort of magical chocolate biscuit fairy.
That'll reduce staff turnover I thought.
"We cannot escalate it yet," The voice on the end of the phone told me. "It hasn't passed its service level standard yet."
"What's the service level standard?" I asked foolishly.
"Ten working days,"
"So if its urgent I can't get it prioritised until its too late?"
"No. That's not what I said. You cannot escalate this IT request until it is over its SLA."
"So this should be complete in 10 working days then?"
"Yeah. Of course. It should be complete in 10 working days," The voice on the phone replied. His tone didn't fill me with confidence and I got the distinct impression that he kept putting me on mute to update his laughing colleagues about my naievity.
In the team, discussion was about the XYZ company that was currently sponsoring a massive recruitment drive. According to Gareth, they paid twice as much, had double the amount of holidays, better company perks, a staff gym that was free to use and provided a free bar for anyone working the weekend.
Dan joined in. He'd heard that they organised fully paid weekends away for staff at Alton Towers and Eurodisney. At lunchtime they'd both arranged to visit the agency advertising their vacancies and sign themselves up. The rumour spread across the office and soon most of the floor had visited the agency.
Anne wondered what was wrong. I told her that morale was low at the moment due to our rapidly increasing workloads. I couldn't tell her that all of her staff were deserting her for our biggest competitor. She was in a lighter mood than normal.
"I've just the solution," she said. She left the office with her handbag, unusual for daylight hours, to return half an hour later. Put these out for everyone," she said handing me four packets of chocolate 'Hob Nobs'. She almost winked at me as if she was some sort of magical chocolate biscuit fairy.
That'll reduce staff turnover I thought.
11 July 2006
Monday - IT Request Table Tennis
Surpisingly, there has been no fall-out from Jez about the inappropriately misdirected email. I've just played innocent and told him I was only following his request to email the team. How was I to know that he didn't want me to send the entire history of our discussion to Anne.
This brings me to another point. How come Anne didn't pick him up on his monthly reports absence? Tracey seems to think that she has it in for us and whatever we do will always be wrong, but I, perhaps naievely, believed that surely someone in Anne's position of authority would not behave so unprofessionally. Maybe she's not being so paranoid after all.
I've started the usual fun and games that begins with every request from IT for anything remotely to do with access or ID's. I've been lumbered with it as Tracey, Jez and I have been batting it to each other in the hope that someone else would do it. because, to be honest with you, the process is as much fun as extracting your own tongue with a blowtorch. I got stuck with this one as both Tracey and Jez have completed the last two.
The process starts with the completion of an online form which is sent to IT in Glasgow. There a mandarin, queries it, refers it and if you're lucky will then authorise it. From there it will be passed to various teams around the world in India, Ireland and eventually back to Glasgow. With any luck you'll end up with a completed IT request within the agreed service standards. This has never, ever been known to happen.
I was going to let the process defeat me. I would face it head on like a matador to a bull. I phoned the Glasgow office in the afternoon. That would have given them the few hours that they would have needed to at least authorise the request.
To my surprise I was told that the request had been rejected. The reason - that there was a piece of information missing from the five gig request that I'd completed.
"Why didn't you phone me?"
They had but had been unable to get an answer and so they'd closed the request.
"I have voice mail, why didn't you leave a message?"
The minion I was speaking to couldn't answer. His notes just said that I could not be contacted. I offered to provide the missing information but it was to no avail. They would not and could not reopen a closed request. I would have to start the entire process again.
First point to the IT request team.
This brings me to another point. How come Anne didn't pick him up on his monthly reports absence? Tracey seems to think that she has it in for us and whatever we do will always be wrong, but I, perhaps naievely, believed that surely someone in Anne's position of authority would not behave so unprofessionally. Maybe she's not being so paranoid after all.
I've started the usual fun and games that begins with every request from IT for anything remotely to do with access or ID's. I've been lumbered with it as Tracey, Jez and I have been batting it to each other in the hope that someone else would do it. because, to be honest with you, the process is as much fun as extracting your own tongue with a blowtorch. I got stuck with this one as both Tracey and Jez have completed the last two.
The process starts with the completion of an online form which is sent to IT in Glasgow. There a mandarin, queries it, refers it and if you're lucky will then authorise it. From there it will be passed to various teams around the world in India, Ireland and eventually back to Glasgow. With any luck you'll end up with a completed IT request within the agreed service standards. This has never, ever been known to happen.
I was going to let the process defeat me. I would face it head on like a matador to a bull. I phoned the Glasgow office in the afternoon. That would have given them the few hours that they would have needed to at least authorise the request.
To my surprise I was told that the request had been rejected. The reason - that there was a piece of information missing from the five gig request that I'd completed.
"Why didn't you phone me?"
They had but had been unable to get an answer and so they'd closed the request.
"I have voice mail, why didn't you leave a message?"
The minion I was speaking to couldn't answer. His notes just said that I could not be contacted. I offered to provide the missing information but it was to no avail. They would not and could not reopen a closed request. I would have to start the entire process again.
First point to the IT request team.
04 July 2006
Tuesday - Shot by your own side
Email from Jez Sansom to Luke Willshire:
Luke,
Anne is a bit concerned that the month-end reports have been moved from the Monthly Report folder on the network drive. Have you (accidentally) moved the files?
Jez.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
I haven't moved any files from the folder. I've just checked and my reports for last month are there, as are Tracey's. It appears that its yours that are missing and I haven't moved them. Where did you save them?
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
I'm not sure of the exact date. But they're not there now and Anne seems to think that stuff is being moved by unauthorised persons so I need to investigate.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
If you check your history you should be able to see where they were saved. Or you could ask IT to extract the files from the backup tapes.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
I don't think they'll find anything. Can you just email the teams and let them know that they must not move any files from the network drive. Make sure you cc Anne.
Thanks
Jez
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke back to Jez
Will do but I don't think anyone has moved your files. They all know that the network drive is off limits.
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez back to Luke.
I may not have completed my month end reports. But if you could just email the team advising them not to move or delete any files from the Network drive as originally requested.
Jez.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Email to All Staff from Luke. cc to Anne.
All,
Please make sure that none of you delete or move any files from the network drive with immediate effect.
Thanks
Luke.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
Thanks for sending that email to all staff and Anne. It appears you accidentally included the entire history of the emails at the same time.
Jez
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Luke to Jez,
Oops. Sorry Jez - it was an accident.
Luke,
Anne is a bit concerned that the month-end reports have been moved from the Monthly Report folder on the network drive. Have you (accidentally) moved the files?
Jez.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
I haven't moved any files from the folder. I've just checked and my reports for last month are there, as are Tracey's. It appears that its yours that are missing and I haven't moved them. Where did you save them?
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
I'm not sure of the exact date. But they're not there now and Anne seems to think that stuff is being moved by unauthorised persons so I need to investigate.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
If you check your history you should be able to see where they were saved. Or you could ask IT to extract the files from the backup tapes.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
I don't think they'll find anything. Can you just email the teams and let them know that they must not move any files from the network drive. Make sure you cc Anne.
Thanks
Jez
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke back to Jez
Will do but I don't think anyone has moved your files. They all know that the network drive is off limits.
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez back to Luke.
I may not have completed my month end reports. But if you could just email the team advising them not to move or delete any files from the Network drive as originally requested.
Jez.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Email to All Staff from Luke. cc to Anne.
All,
Please make sure that none of you delete or move any files from the network drive with immediate effect.
Thanks
Luke.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
Thanks for sending that email to all staff and Anne. It appears you accidentally included the entire history of the emails at the same time.
Jez
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Luke to Jez,
Oops. Sorry Jez - it was an accident.
29 June 2006
Thursday - Whipping Boy
Anne was in her angry spot this morning, berating Gary, but loudly so that everyone knew she was doing it.
"Several end of month reports are conspicuous by their absence," She said.
Gary - who seems to be getting smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter by the day - answered: "Whose reports? They were all supposed to be in on the second day of the month,"
"Luke and Tracey," Anne replied. Now I knew this was wrong. I'd completed mine within the deadline. It had been sitting in the reports folder - waiting to be signed off by Anne, which by rights she had to do by the third day of the month - and obviously hadn't. I couldn't speak for Tracey.
Luckily Gary was on the ball. He told Anne that they'd both been completed and were waiting for Anne's sign-off. Anne deflated like a beach ball but it was only momentarily. She pumped herself up again even bigger than before as her fight reflex kicked in. "Well they're not where they should be. I'm fed up with people moving folders around on the network. I seriously think that we should start to restrict peoples access rights on some areas. Don't worry. I'll track the reports down. I'll find them," She said to Gary as she boldly marched back to her cave, huffing and puffing.
Jez wandered over. "Did Anne say something about the monthly reports?" He whispered to me casually.
I nodded.
"Ah. I better do mine then," he said and returned to his desk.
"Several end of month reports are conspicuous by their absence," She said.
Gary - who seems to be getting smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter by the day - answered: "Whose reports? They were all supposed to be in on the second day of the month,"
"Luke and Tracey," Anne replied. Now I knew this was wrong. I'd completed mine within the deadline. It had been sitting in the reports folder - waiting to be signed off by Anne, which by rights she had to do by the third day of the month - and obviously hadn't. I couldn't speak for Tracey.
Luckily Gary was on the ball. He told Anne that they'd both been completed and were waiting for Anne's sign-off. Anne deflated like a beach ball but it was only momentarily. She pumped herself up again even bigger than before as her fight reflex kicked in. "Well they're not where they should be. I'm fed up with people moving folders around on the network. I seriously think that we should start to restrict peoples access rights on some areas. Don't worry. I'll track the reports down. I'll find them," She said to Gary as she boldly marched back to her cave, huffing and puffing.
Jez wandered over. "Did Anne say something about the monthly reports?" He whispered to me casually.
I nodded.
"Ah. I better do mine then," he said and returned to his desk.
28 June 2006
Wednesday - Think of the money
Sometimes I just feel like I'm griping all the time. I don't mean to be so negative, its just that - well - it's a pretty crap deal isn't it, spending most of your life in an office while people that you don't particularly like and don't even rate, order you about.
But on the bright side at least I'm not one of the staff!
The gf thinks that I'm just exagerating and than it isn't really that bad. I suppose in the scheme of things it isn't. But selfishly I just know things could be so much better.
I wandered through town at lunch, taking a rare break away from the desk and considered how much worse things could be. There were the usual chuggers*, smiling brightly at people, despite the half-mile exclusion zone around them that developed the instant lunchtime workers and shoppers see the coloured bib and clipboard heading in their direction.
And then the man holding the 'Umbrella Sale' sign - I mean how crap can that job be? A sign holder. Is that something that you choose to do. Did some careers advisor suggest this as a worthwhile occupation? What would the qualifications be? Can you stand still for seven hours - tick. Hold a sign with your left hand - tick. Both hands - overqualified!
I wanted to talk to the sign-man and tell him that things would be all right. I wanted to tell him that I respected his rights as a person and not another piece of human street furniture. But I didn't. I walked on by and didn't even take a detour through his recommended umbrella sale.
*charity mugger
But on the bright side at least I'm not one of the staff!
The gf thinks that I'm just exagerating and than it isn't really that bad. I suppose in the scheme of things it isn't. But selfishly I just know things could be so much better.
I wandered through town at lunch, taking a rare break away from the desk and considered how much worse things could be. There were the usual chuggers*, smiling brightly at people, despite the half-mile exclusion zone around them that developed the instant lunchtime workers and shoppers see the coloured bib and clipboard heading in their direction.
And then the man holding the 'Umbrella Sale' sign - I mean how crap can that job be? A sign holder. Is that something that you choose to do. Did some careers advisor suggest this as a worthwhile occupation? What would the qualifications be? Can you stand still for seven hours - tick. Hold a sign with your left hand - tick. Both hands - overqualified!
I wanted to talk to the sign-man and tell him that things would be all right. I wanted to tell him that I respected his rights as a person and not another piece of human street furniture. But I didn't. I walked on by and didn't even take a detour through his recommended umbrella sale.
*charity mugger
23 June 2006
Thursday - I Know Best
Our backlogs are getting larger by the day. This isn't help by Anne's genius strategy of focusing on the time-consuming older complaints. After all if you've got a 2000 item backlog and want to get rid of it, why clear 200 items a day when you can clear 20 difficult items even though we are receiving 50 new ones daily? You do the maths.
Of course Anne and Gary do not see this and if I try to explain this to them, they just exclaim "that we have to do it," and then threaten "the severest of implications" if we don't. Anne then started bemoaning the low volume of calls processed by the team.
"They're averaging 10 calls a day each," Anne said. Although I was in the firing line, her aim was at all of the team leaders. "We take 180 calls a day. The average call length is 8 minutes. They only spend 90 minutes on the phone each shift. What are they doing?"
I didn't think it was a simplistic as that. This was the problem with bean counters taking over a company. Especially when those bean counters didn't really understand the work they were counting. I felt like Einstein would have done if his bosses had told him that the stars are fires burning behind a black curtain.
"The calls don't come in all at once. And although the average call length takes 8 minutes, the true amount of time spent on the call is once its over." I said.
"Like what?" asked Anne.
Dare I say it? "Well they have to complete their timesheet to record what they've done for 8 minutes and then log the call on our system. And that's before they even start to deal with the call. Investigating the background, collating the information. Documentation. Making further calls. Calling the customer back."
"The logs and timesheets have to be completed," said Anne repeating her mantra from the bean counter's bible. It didn't matter if it was right or not. It just had to be done and that was enough. I knew that if I challenged it any more she would suggest that I come up with a better solution. I could. But I don't have time on account of the the bean counting that I have to do.
Gary helpfully tried to help. But didn't really. He had no experience of the work we did or how we did it. He was a boss and could only ever be a boss. Most of the time he kept quiet but sometimes his boss instincts came into play like a teenage hormonal urge forcing him to demonstrate his boss qualities.
"Perhaps if the teams' could log the calls when they take them," He said. "That way they'll be doing twice the work in the same amount of time."
I almost offered to insert broomhandles into their rectums as well but I'd already done too much harm to my career in this meeting.
Of course Anne and Gary do not see this and if I try to explain this to them, they just exclaim "that we have to do it," and then threaten "the severest of implications" if we don't. Anne then started bemoaning the low volume of calls processed by the team.
"They're averaging 10 calls a day each," Anne said. Although I was in the firing line, her aim was at all of the team leaders. "We take 180 calls a day. The average call length is 8 minutes. They only spend 90 minutes on the phone each shift. What are they doing?"
I didn't think it was a simplistic as that. This was the problem with bean counters taking over a company. Especially when those bean counters didn't really understand the work they were counting. I felt like Einstein would have done if his bosses had told him that the stars are fires burning behind a black curtain.
"The calls don't come in all at once. And although the average call length takes 8 minutes, the true amount of time spent on the call is once its over." I said.
"Like what?" asked Anne.
Dare I say it? "Well they have to complete their timesheet to record what they've done for 8 minutes and then log the call on our system. And that's before they even start to deal with the call. Investigating the background, collating the information. Documentation. Making further calls. Calling the customer back."
"The logs and timesheets have to be completed," said Anne repeating her mantra from the bean counter's bible. It didn't matter if it was right or not. It just had to be done and that was enough. I knew that if I challenged it any more she would suggest that I come up with a better solution. I could. But I don't have time on account of the the bean counting that I have to do.
Gary helpfully tried to help. But didn't really. He had no experience of the work we did or how we did it. He was a boss and could only ever be a boss. Most of the time he kept quiet but sometimes his boss instincts came into play like a teenage hormonal urge forcing him to demonstrate his boss qualities.
"Perhaps if the teams' could log the calls when they take them," He said. "That way they'll be doing twice the work in the same amount of time."
I almost offered to insert broomhandles into their rectums as well but I'd already done too much harm to my career in this meeting.
22 June 2006
Anne's Blog - 2
I've just carried out a few searches on the web. Just in case. I can't find anything that might be Anne's blog!
But it could be out there.
But it could be out there.
Anne's Blog
After hearing Dan's comment about his own blog I started to wonder who else might have a secret work blog. What if Anne had one? It might go something like this -
Monday - I love running a big department. It's like having a menagerie of pets. Sometimes they're good and I'l give them a little treat if I'm feeling benevolent. Other times they're bad and argue amongst each other over little things like two puppies fighting over a pair of slippers. Luke would probably be the incontinent one. Weeing in the corner when I wasn't looking.
Tuesday - I'm so clever. I just astound myself sometimes. I've had a new idea for procedures. I'm bursting to tell everyone about it but I don't want to come over all 'David Brent'. I accuse Gary of being a David Brent in the team leader meeting when he starts waffling for an answer. Just to show everyone that I'm not at all like him. Everyone laughs at my joke. Even Gary.
Wednesday - I find evidence that supports my brilliant new procedure procedure. I'm so angry. I stand in my angry spot in the middle of the office and let everyone know how angry I am. As usual some staff don't pay to much attention and try to do things on their computers and talk on the phone as if I'm not important. They should know who the manager is around here. They're probably the guilty ones. I tell everyone about the new procedure that I've designed. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.
Thursday - I don't believe in being a cold hearted manager. I like to show my quirky humorous side from time to time. It's part of my charm. Luke's team is having a chat about Jo and Dave before they start work. I make a hilarious joke about Jo being a bit of a slapper. They all laugh. I'm so off the wall. They must love working for me!
Monday - I love running a big department. It's like having a menagerie of pets. Sometimes they're good and I'l give them a little treat if I'm feeling benevolent. Other times they're bad and argue amongst each other over little things like two puppies fighting over a pair of slippers. Luke would probably be the incontinent one. Weeing in the corner when I wasn't looking.
Tuesday - I'm so clever. I just astound myself sometimes. I've had a new idea for procedures. I'm bursting to tell everyone about it but I don't want to come over all 'David Brent'. I accuse Gary of being a David Brent in the team leader meeting when he starts waffling for an answer. Just to show everyone that I'm not at all like him. Everyone laughs at my joke. Even Gary.
Wednesday - I find evidence that supports my brilliant new procedure procedure. I'm so angry. I stand in my angry spot in the middle of the office and let everyone know how angry I am. As usual some staff don't pay to much attention and try to do things on their computers and talk on the phone as if I'm not important. They should know who the manager is around here. They're probably the guilty ones. I tell everyone about the new procedure that I've designed. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.
Thursday - I don't believe in being a cold hearted manager. I like to show my quirky humorous side from time to time. It's part of my charm. Luke's team is having a chat about Jo and Dave before they start work. I make a hilarious joke about Jo being a bit of a slapper. They all laugh. I'm so off the wall. They must love working for me!
20 June 2006
Monday - Stealth Frivolity
I've been a bad blogger - no posts last week mainly due to the anti-bloggin influence of World Cup Football, Sunshine and the Barbeque.
No important games tonight! ;-) - so I'm catching up with this week!
--------------------------------------------------
Jez took his staff out for a team lunch yesterday. Come 2pm and the phones were ringing off the hooks. The reason, they still hadn't returned and my foursome had to cope with the lines on their own. Of course I could have gone running to Anne and squealed like the little rat that Jez is, but I'm sure you'll know - I'm not that sort of person. Just as I'd be responsible enough to make sure that the team is back to cover after lunch. I'd always consider the impact of this sort of action on the department as a whole.
Ted was fuming. He didn't get a chance to clear up any of his post. Even Jo was steaming. Both complained to me between greetings to customers, the mute buttons used with vigour. Of course when Jez returned, seemingly oblivious to the workloads his left us to deal with, he made no effort to get his team back online as quickly as he could. But we were equals in the eyes of HR. I wouldn't go running to Anne but I would confront him directly and reasonably.
"Jez. We've been a bit short here since 2 because your team was late back," I told him.
"Yeah. Sorry about that," He said. "It was unavoidable. The food was served late."
"But we've been under the kosh here," I added. Jez seemed uninterested. His team, including Kate were still buzzing from their pub lunch. Suddenly I felt like the company man Dave claimed me to be.
"If its a problem, just say so," said Jez without any real commitment. "And I'll make sure the team's back on time."
The irony is that Anne was overheard asking Kate if she was being worked harder now that she was in Jez's team. As far as Anne's concerned, Jez can do no wrong and incidents like this don't hit her radar.
Later, Gareth, a true rugby man from the valleys, was telling Dan and Ted how he'd watched the Brazil game at the weekend. When challenged about his motives he admited; "Usually there's always some Brazillian girls in the crowd that lift their tops when the camera's on them,"
"Yeah," added Dan. "I was disappointed this time. The only boobs I saw were Ronaldo's when he exchanged shirts at full time."
No important games tonight! ;-) - so I'm catching up with this week!
--------------------------------------------------
Jez took his staff out for a team lunch yesterday. Come 2pm and the phones were ringing off the hooks. The reason, they still hadn't returned and my foursome had to cope with the lines on their own. Of course I could have gone running to Anne and squealed like the little rat that Jez is, but I'm sure you'll know - I'm not that sort of person. Just as I'd be responsible enough to make sure that the team is back to cover after lunch. I'd always consider the impact of this sort of action on the department as a whole.
Ted was fuming. He didn't get a chance to clear up any of his post. Even Jo was steaming. Both complained to me between greetings to customers, the mute buttons used with vigour. Of course when Jez returned, seemingly oblivious to the workloads his left us to deal with, he made no effort to get his team back online as quickly as he could. But we were equals in the eyes of HR. I wouldn't go running to Anne but I would confront him directly and reasonably.
"Jez. We've been a bit short here since 2 because your team was late back," I told him.
"Yeah. Sorry about that," He said. "It was unavoidable. The food was served late."
"But we've been under the kosh here," I added. Jez seemed uninterested. His team, including Kate were still buzzing from their pub lunch. Suddenly I felt like the company man Dave claimed me to be.
"If its a problem, just say so," said Jez without any real commitment. "And I'll make sure the team's back on time."
The irony is that Anne was overheard asking Kate if she was being worked harder now that she was in Jez's team. As far as Anne's concerned, Jez can do no wrong and incidents like this don't hit her radar.
Later, Gareth, a true rugby man from the valleys, was telling Dan and Ted how he'd watched the Brazil game at the weekend. When challenged about his motives he admited; "Usually there's always some Brazillian girls in the crowd that lift their tops when the camera's on them,"
"Yeah," added Dan. "I was disappointed this time. The only boobs I saw were Ronaldo's when he exchanged shirts at full time."
06 June 2006
Monday - Vorsprung Durch Technik
Short shouty bloke has an Audi. He will only use the fast lane of the motorway and anyone foolish enough to drive in the same lane ahead of him will be flashed to pull over so that he can pass. Even if they're doing 90.
He's lived in the same house for 20 years. It's in a very dodgy area of town but he's comfortable there because that's where he grew up. He dislikes anyone that he considers 'posh' - which by his definition means someone who doesn't read the Sun - and he spends every single penny of his massive salary - and it is massive - on HD TV's, he now has two for every room in his house, and bingo nights with his family. Anything left over is squandered on lottery tickets.
I know I should give him a name - even a fake one, but to be honest with you, I can't really be bothered and short shouty bloke just feels so appropriate. As you will see.
I needed a file from our ----town office today. It was a case that they had been dealing with but an escalation of a complaint and a general breakdown of relationship with the customer had meant that it had to be transferred to me to independently investigate each point of the complaint. Short, shouty bloke had an interest in it as it was one of his accounts.
I'd phoned the office and asked for copies of the letters to be faxed down so I could see what had been written.
Foolishly, I beleived them when they said they'd do it straight away.
SSB was on my case immediately. "Have you got those letters yet?"
"I've phoned them. They're faxing them through."
An hour later and they still hadn't arrived on the machine. I made another call and was told that 'the temp hadn't got round to doing it yet'. I pressed home the urgency of the matter and was again promised that they would be sent immediately.
A sonic shockwave blasted through the office proceeding SSB's entry.
"I've chased them," I said hoping to head him off at the pass.
"So the top man is on the case," he said sarcastically. "I'll be back in ten,"
When he left I called the other office again. I pleaded. I begged. I threatened. "This is priority. Please send these letters through immediatley."
My victim on the end of the line recovered enough from the battering I'd given him to say "I'll get them and send them myself. I don't know where the temp has gone."
I finished the call with further threats of escalation if he hadn't complied. I namedropped the MD for effect. True to his word SSB was back in the office. He was already tutting before I'd spoke.
"I just chased them again. They're sending them as we speak."
"Not good enough. Get back on to them."
"But I just got off -"
Before I could finish SSB had unholstered his phone - yes, he really had a little pouch for his mobile that hung off his belt - and rang someone of authority. Someone he called Rickus Dickus.
"Rickus Dickus. Yeah. Short Shouty Bloke. This xx complaint. We're still awaiting the fax copies?"
At that point the fax machine started to rumble. It spewed out a white tongue of paper.
SSB killed his phone.
"There. That's how you get things done. " said Short Shouty Bloke.
I didn't tell him that the copy he requested from Rickus Dickus came through two hours later.
He's lived in the same house for 20 years. It's in a very dodgy area of town but he's comfortable there because that's where he grew up. He dislikes anyone that he considers 'posh' - which by his definition means someone who doesn't read the Sun - and he spends every single penny of his massive salary - and it is massive - on HD TV's, he now has two for every room in his house, and bingo nights with his family. Anything left over is squandered on lottery tickets.
I know I should give him a name - even a fake one, but to be honest with you, I can't really be bothered and short shouty bloke just feels so appropriate. As you will see.
I needed a file from our ----town office today. It was a case that they had been dealing with but an escalation of a complaint and a general breakdown of relationship with the customer had meant that it had to be transferred to me to independently investigate each point of the complaint. Short, shouty bloke had an interest in it as it was one of his accounts.
I'd phoned the office and asked for copies of the letters to be faxed down so I could see what had been written.
Foolishly, I beleived them when they said they'd do it straight away.
SSB was on my case immediately. "Have you got those letters yet?"
"I've phoned them. They're faxing them through."
An hour later and they still hadn't arrived on the machine. I made another call and was told that 'the temp hadn't got round to doing it yet'. I pressed home the urgency of the matter and was again promised that they would be sent immediately.
A sonic shockwave blasted through the office proceeding SSB's entry.
"I've chased them," I said hoping to head him off at the pass.
"So the top man is on the case," he said sarcastically. "I'll be back in ten,"
When he left I called the other office again. I pleaded. I begged. I threatened. "This is priority. Please send these letters through immediatley."
My victim on the end of the line recovered enough from the battering I'd given him to say "I'll get them and send them myself. I don't know where the temp has gone."
I finished the call with further threats of escalation if he hadn't complied. I namedropped the MD for effect. True to his word SSB was back in the office. He was already tutting before I'd spoke.
"I just chased them again. They're sending them as we speak."
"Not good enough. Get back on to them."
"But I just got off -"
Before I could finish SSB had unholstered his phone - yes, he really had a little pouch for his mobile that hung off his belt - and rang someone of authority. Someone he called Rickus Dickus.
"Rickus Dickus. Yeah. Short Shouty Bloke. This xx complaint. We're still awaiting the fax copies?"
At that point the fax machine started to rumble. It spewed out a white tongue of paper.
SSB killed his phone.
"There. That's how you get things done. " said Short Shouty Bloke.
I didn't tell him that the copy he requested from Rickus Dickus came through two hours later.
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