I've spent the last two days working as some sort of Human Berlin Wall, making sure that Kate and Gareth's bullets don't hit each other. In the end, despite various degrees of negotiation and reasoning with each of them individually - with Gareth explaining that Kate is the senior member of the team and with Kate coaching her in getting team members to perform there still didn't seem to be any kind of breakthrough. It had gone beyond a simple disagreement now, petty as it was, to quote the movie trailer's (adopt big gruff American trailer voice) 'This time it's personal!'
Unlike the time when I was first asked to deputise for my team leader - when I was told that I was in charge of the team, but I couldn't actually let any of the team know, I had explained Kate's position and seniority in my absence. But this wasn't enough for Gareth.
In the end I had no alternative but to browse the internet for trust exercises and finding one, put one into action in my team meeting. One at a time, each team member was blindfolded and then directed around an obstacle course of chairs and tables by spoken instructions from their exercise partner. In this case I placed Gareth and Kate together and I think it might have worked. I'll just have to see how things pan out. I mean a bond has to develop between someone when you're trusting them to guide you around a room without impaling yourself on a haphazard chairleg and they do it without any harm to your person.
And I'm sure Jo didn't really mean to let me walk into the corner of that table.
31 January 2007
26 January 2007
Friday - Man in the Middle
Two hours. That's all it takes for the team to fall apart in my absence. This may sound a little arrogant on my part, assuming that the team could not function in a responsible and rational way without my presence to oversee things, but sometimes this is one of the joys of teamleadership.
Kate intercepted me on my return and requested an audience in one of the empty meeting rooms.
"Gareth's out of control," She told me. "He won't listen to me. He won't do what I ask of him,"
Kate had demonstrated the first mistake that newly promoted staff make. She'd presumed that the team would blindly follow her requests like a group of squaddies that had just stepped from their passing out parade.
"Tell me exactly what happened," I asked Kate calmly.
"I gave him some of the file allocations to complete but he said that he had an urgent complaint case to clear. I told him that the file allocations were more urgent and should be his priority for the morning. But he still refused,"
"What did he say?"
"He said that you'd expected him to close off the complaint case today. When I asked him to drop the complaint he said I was overly sensitive,"
"He said you were 'overly sensitive'?" I questioned.
"I'm not though!" shrilled Kate in a way that I should not at all describe as 'sensitive'.
"I'll have a word with him," I told Kate.
When I got to my desk there already was an email from Gareth, blinking politely in my inbox.
"Luke. Can I have a minute." He'd written. "It's about Kate..."
Kate intercepted me on my return and requested an audience in one of the empty meeting rooms.
"Gareth's out of control," She told me. "He won't listen to me. He won't do what I ask of him,"
Kate had demonstrated the first mistake that newly promoted staff make. She'd presumed that the team would blindly follow her requests like a group of squaddies that had just stepped from their passing out parade.
"Tell me exactly what happened," I asked Kate calmly.
"I gave him some of the file allocations to complete but he said that he had an urgent complaint case to clear. I told him that the file allocations were more urgent and should be his priority for the morning. But he still refused,"
"What did he say?"
"He said that you'd expected him to close off the complaint case today. When I asked him to drop the complaint he said I was overly sensitive,"
"He said you were 'overly sensitive'?" I questioned.
"I'm not though!" shrilled Kate in a way that I should not at all describe as 'sensitive'.
"I'll have a word with him," I told Kate.
When I got to my desk there already was an email from Gareth, blinking politely in my inbox.
"Luke. Can I have a minute." He'd written. "It's about Kate..."
25 January 2007
Thursday - Diamond Des Enters the Building
Anne was in a good mood this morning. A very good mood. And she was wearing her best black smock and had even spent a few minutes in the Ladies applying some make-up.
The reason was clearer at 11AM, when her boss, Diamond Des Diamond entered the building.
He was challenged by a new starter, who, having only been at work in the company a few days, didn't have a clue as to who he was. When Des finally got through reception his ego had been bruised like a peach.
We were called into a meeting about Customer Service with him but the timing of the meeting was cause for concern. The phones wouldn't be covered by any of the team but when I broached the issue with Anne. Her response was merely that he is on a tight schedule and we have to all fit around him. He is the boss and we all have to do as he says. Of course if he hadn't been slumming it on a expenses paid train trip in first class and then didn't have a return journey a few hours later maybe he could have been more accommodating.
More and more in my dealings with Directors I'm starting to realise that they seem to exhibit the temperament and behaviour of a spoilt 2-year old. Flatter their ego's and let them have whatever toys they want to play with and they're fine. But if you don't know who they are or question a decision then they'll throw themselves to the floor and beat their hands and feet in a corporate version of a temper tantrum.
Of course it could be that 'Yes-Women' like Anne who'll flirt around and tug at their forlock the instance she sees someone a payscale above her merely pander to this perception.
I think that is why I'll never get anywhere in this company. I'm not a militant but I just cannot bring myself to bow my head and wring a flat-cap between my hands. It doesn't matter if it's your boss or not. An idiot is still an idiot.
The reason was clearer at 11AM, when her boss, Diamond Des Diamond entered the building.
He was challenged by a new starter, who, having only been at work in the company a few days, didn't have a clue as to who he was. When Des finally got through reception his ego had been bruised like a peach.
We were called into a meeting about Customer Service with him but the timing of the meeting was cause for concern. The phones wouldn't be covered by any of the team but when I broached the issue with Anne. Her response was merely that he is on a tight schedule and we have to all fit around him. He is the boss and we all have to do as he says. Of course if he hadn't been slumming it on a expenses paid train trip in first class and then didn't have a return journey a few hours later maybe he could have been more accommodating.
More and more in my dealings with Directors I'm starting to realise that they seem to exhibit the temperament and behaviour of a spoilt 2-year old. Flatter their ego's and let them have whatever toys they want to play with and they're fine. But if you don't know who they are or question a decision then they'll throw themselves to the floor and beat their hands and feet in a corporate version of a temper tantrum.
Of course it could be that 'Yes-Women' like Anne who'll flirt around and tug at their forlock the instance she sees someone a payscale above her merely pander to this perception.
I think that is why I'll never get anywhere in this company. I'm not a militant but I just cannot bring myself to bow my head and wring a flat-cap between my hands. It doesn't matter if it's your boss or not. An idiot is still an idiot.
Wednesday - Crumbs
Ted was most disappointed. His wife, Mrs Ted hadn't prepared his usual sandwiches this morning as she had to leave home early to visit their son in Luton.
Ted slummed it with the rest of us at the baguette shop opposite the office. He sat at his desk trying to navigate his teeth around a peninsula sized french stick, dripping lettuce and red onion shavings like a ticker-tape parade around his chair. Most of these he plucked up off the carpet when he'd finished.
Shortly afterwards, Jez meandered over.
"I hope Ted is going to vacuum all of that up," he said referring to some barely visible bread crumbs left on the floor.
"There's only a few crumbs. You can hardly notice them. We do still have office cleaners don't we?" I told Jez.
"He's got to complete the file allocations." I added when I realised that he might just be serious. Ever since Jo had been placed under the magnifying glass of management scrutiny everyone else had to cover her workload while she proved that she was up to the job.
Jez wandered away. Later that afternoon I returned to my desk from tracking down a couple of files. Ted had the office Dyson out and was running the nozzle around his chair.
"Ted. What are you doing?"
"Just what I'm told," grumbled Ted. "Anne said I had to clear up the mess,"
I glanced over at Jez but before I could say anything Ane emerged from out of her cave.
"Jez was quite right. We can't have the place looking a disgusting mess, People need to clear up after themselves,"
You know. Sometimes words fail me.
Ted slummed it with the rest of us at the baguette shop opposite the office. He sat at his desk trying to navigate his teeth around a peninsula sized french stick, dripping lettuce and red onion shavings like a ticker-tape parade around his chair. Most of these he plucked up off the carpet when he'd finished.
Shortly afterwards, Jez meandered over.
"I hope Ted is going to vacuum all of that up," he said referring to some barely visible bread crumbs left on the floor.
"There's only a few crumbs. You can hardly notice them. We do still have office cleaners don't we?" I told Jez.
"He's got to complete the file allocations." I added when I realised that he might just be serious. Ever since Jo had been placed under the magnifying glass of management scrutiny everyone else had to cover her workload while she proved that she was up to the job.
Jez wandered away. Later that afternoon I returned to my desk from tracking down a couple of files. Ted had the office Dyson out and was running the nozzle around his chair.
"Ted. What are you doing?"
"Just what I'm told," grumbled Ted. "Anne said I had to clear up the mess,"
I glanced over at Jez but before I could say anything Ane emerged from out of her cave.
"Jez was quite right. We can't have the place looking a disgusting mess, People need to clear up after themselves,"
You know. Sometimes words fail me.
22 January 2007
Tuesday - Jo in the Firing Line
I consider that there is a role for everyone in my team.
Each executive has their own very individual strengths and I focus (listen to me getting all management speak on you) on magnifying those positives whilst at the same time developing the areas in which they are weakest.
Jo for instance, gives great phone. She is polite, professional, charming and positive to the person on the other end of the line. It doesn't matter that she's reading the latest issue of Heat when she's talking because the customer doesn't know, and will have melted like butter at the end of the call, no matter what their grievance, thinking they have just been hand-delivered exceptional customer service.
Which, they have. But Jo was reading about Jordan and Peter Andre when she provided it.
It's all about perception at the end of the day.
Likewise if I know I need a monotonous but high volume task completed. Then I know Jo's your (wo)man. She doesn't do detail, but she clears a backlog like it's a bar lined with vodka jellies.
But it was perception that called me into Anne's hole this morning. The perception that because Jo is loud, flirty and bubbly that she is vacuous, lazy and a waste of space. Anne had Jo's timesheet in hand as evidence to support her theory.
"What are your impressions of Jo?" Anne asked.
I almost told her how productive Jo was but knew how many bullets the timesheet Anne held had loaded. There were no categories on the sheets for the work that Jo output. Anne had had issues with her since she'd joined the team. It was probably these reservations that had placed her in my reporting line as opposed to Jez's.
"She cleared the November backlog pretty much single-handedly. She's kept the file allocation to a minimum. She's not working for a career but she'll process what's put in front of her," I told Anne.
Anne was blunt and to the point. "She's not processing anywhere near as much work as she should be with the amount of experience she has. She needs to improve or I'll have to manage her out,"
"But she's processing more of the backlog than anyone else, and file allocation has been kept up to date since she took it over."
"But she's not closing as many complaints as Gareth, Dan or even Ted for that matter."
"She's doing more than Kate,"
"Kate has other duties,"
At this point I knew that putting forward Jo's case was a pointless exercise.
"I'll get Jo up to speed," I told Anne.
So now Jo's working day is set on solely closing complaints. The backlog isn't being processed, the files are not getting allocated and the customers are missing out on Jo's great phone service. But if it can get Jo out of the firing line it'll be worth it.
There is a strapline that can be found throughout the company on numerous walls and posters. It is a quote from the CEO and it reads:
"Without the Customer, we are not a business. Without the Customer, we have no business. Our Business are our Customers. Remember this every day."
I did remember this, as I tasked Jo with ignoring the customers, just so she could appease Anne and avoid being fired.
Each executive has their own very individual strengths and I focus (listen to me getting all management speak on you) on magnifying those positives whilst at the same time developing the areas in which they are weakest.
Jo for instance, gives great phone. She is polite, professional, charming and positive to the person on the other end of the line. It doesn't matter that she's reading the latest issue of Heat when she's talking because the customer doesn't know, and will have melted like butter at the end of the call, no matter what their grievance, thinking they have just been hand-delivered exceptional customer service.
Which, they have. But Jo was reading about Jordan and Peter Andre when she provided it.
It's all about perception at the end of the day.
Likewise if I know I need a monotonous but high volume task completed. Then I know Jo's your (wo)man. She doesn't do detail, but she clears a backlog like it's a bar lined with vodka jellies.
But it was perception that called me into Anne's hole this morning. The perception that because Jo is loud, flirty and bubbly that she is vacuous, lazy and a waste of space. Anne had Jo's timesheet in hand as evidence to support her theory.
"What are your impressions of Jo?" Anne asked.
I almost told her how productive Jo was but knew how many bullets the timesheet Anne held had loaded. There were no categories on the sheets for the work that Jo output. Anne had had issues with her since she'd joined the team. It was probably these reservations that had placed her in my reporting line as opposed to Jez's.
"She cleared the November backlog pretty much single-handedly. She's kept the file allocation to a minimum. She's not working for a career but she'll process what's put in front of her," I told Anne.
Anne was blunt and to the point. "She's not processing anywhere near as much work as she should be with the amount of experience she has. She needs to improve or I'll have to manage her out,"
"But she's processing more of the backlog than anyone else, and file allocation has been kept up to date since she took it over."
"But she's not closing as many complaints as Gareth, Dan or even Ted for that matter."
"She's doing more than Kate,"
"Kate has other duties,"
At this point I knew that putting forward Jo's case was a pointless exercise.
"I'll get Jo up to speed," I told Anne.
So now Jo's working day is set on solely closing complaints. The backlog isn't being processed, the files are not getting allocated and the customers are missing out on Jo's great phone service. But if it can get Jo out of the firing line it'll be worth it.
There is a strapline that can be found throughout the company on numerous walls and posters. It is a quote from the CEO and it reads:
"Without the Customer, we are not a business. Without the Customer, we have no business. Our Business are our Customers. Remember this every day."
I did remember this, as I tasked Jo with ignoring the customers, just so she could appease Anne and avoid being fired.
Monday - 23 and a half
The new series of "24" began last night and as much as I have a rule about not blogging on anything unrelated to the daily grind, I can't resist making a few observations.
Jack Bauer has spent 20 months in a Chinese jail, presumably being starved, deprived of sleep and tortured.
Within two hours of being freed, he has showered, shaved, been driven to a storm drain, handcuffed to a grate, abducted, driven to a secret hideout, tortured again, chewed out a terrorist's throat, hotwired a car, driven to a another secret hideout - through traffic - faster than a pair of helicopters could fly there, persuaded some terrorists he's on their side, rescued them from the secret hideout, followed another terrorist, got onto a subway train, had a fight and then pushed the said terrorist out of the car through a very flimsy door just as he set off his suicide bomb.
Phew.
In two hours this morning, I've showered, shaved and waited for a delayed train. Sat at my desk, booted up my PC, waited for it to warm up, got a coffee, read some emails and have been called into a meeting.
If think I need to boost my productivity.
Also, how come anyone in the series can log onto any PC and in a tense 15 seconds, take control of a spy satellite and home its camera's on any given point on Earth or, delete an entire database just in the time that it takes someone else to wiggle their mouse to disable their screen's powersave.
Just hovering my pointer over an Access database causes my whole PC's system to grind to a complete and utter standstill.
I don't think CTU have been shopping at Dell for their IT equipment.
Jack Bauer has spent 20 months in a Chinese jail, presumably being starved, deprived of sleep and tortured.
Within two hours of being freed, he has showered, shaved, been driven to a storm drain, handcuffed to a grate, abducted, driven to a secret hideout, tortured again, chewed out a terrorist's throat, hotwired a car, driven to a another secret hideout - through traffic - faster than a pair of helicopters could fly there, persuaded some terrorists he's on their side, rescued them from the secret hideout, followed another terrorist, got onto a subway train, had a fight and then pushed the said terrorist out of the car through a very flimsy door just as he set off his suicide bomb.
Phew.
In two hours this morning, I've showered, shaved and waited for a delayed train. Sat at my desk, booted up my PC, waited for it to warm up, got a coffee, read some emails and have been called into a meeting.
If think I need to boost my productivity.
Also, how come anyone in the series can log onto any PC and in a tense 15 seconds, take control of a spy satellite and home its camera's on any given point on Earth or, delete an entire database just in the time that it takes someone else to wiggle their mouse to disable their screen's powersave.
Just hovering my pointer over an Access database causes my whole PC's system to grind to a complete and utter standstill.
I don't think CTU have been shopping at Dell for their IT equipment.
15 January 2007
Monday - 101 Ways to Brighten your Day
The topics of conversation from the team today were Leo Sayer's pants, Jade's mum and David Beckham's forthcoming transfer to America where he will play 'soccerball' in front of thousands of adoring Mexican immigrants.
I was called into an impromptu meeting in Anne's cave with the other team leaders. There was good news and bad news.
The bad news was that an auditor was going to visit the department this week. The good news was that he wasn't arriving until Wednesday, so we had two days in which to prepare for his visit.
We were all given the strictest of instructions to ensure that no-one in our teams' were to so much as break wind in a non-company way when he arrived.
When I sat back at my desk Dan was in the middle of explaining how he brightened his day.
"Sometimes, I lower my chair as far as it will go and look around the office. Its incredible how something as simple as a change of perspective can make a view more interesting," he told the team.
I've found a cupboard in which to lock Dan for the duration of the auditors visit.
I was called into an impromptu meeting in Anne's cave with the other team leaders. There was good news and bad news.
The bad news was that an auditor was going to visit the department this week. The good news was that he wasn't arriving until Wednesday, so we had two days in which to prepare for his visit.
We were all given the strictest of instructions to ensure that no-one in our teams' were to so much as break wind in a non-company way when he arrived.
When I sat back at my desk Dan was in the middle of explaining how he brightened his day.
"Sometimes, I lower my chair as far as it will go and look around the office. Its incredible how something as simple as a change of perspective can make a view more interesting," he told the team.
I've found a cupboard in which to lock Dan for the duration of the auditors visit.
05 January 2007
Friday - Now That's What I call Neuro Linguisitic Programming
This is probably one of those posts where I get a little too philosophical for my own good. For those of you that don't know, NLP is the scientific of the individual interpretation of language and even those who are not aware of its principles often find themselves using its techniques.
For instance, Anne couches her language in these ways - she refers to herself, in very positive powerful ways such as "I have solved this problem," "I understand what he really means," "I will give you the benefit of the doubt,".
When referring to others it is always the opposite. For example, "You cannot see the big picture," "People are incapable of following simple procedures," "You've got this completely wrong you absolute imbecile!" and so on.
None of this means that she is actually capable or any good at running a department efficiently but it certainly can help her to pull the wool over her superior's eyes. I can imagine the post interview review amongst the board.
"Wow, she is very positive,"
"Yes. She certainly knows her stuff,"
"You're right she was the loudest and brashest person we've interviewed. And she is a woman. She must be good. We'd better hire her!"
Another interesting fact about NLP is that Derren Brown uses it in his mind control performances. Those of you that saw the Special this Christmas would probably have been as astounded as I was when he got random members of an audience to pick a random word from a random cutting of a randomly selected newspaper. Of course it all became clear when he explained that he did it by suggesting rather obviously through his performance that they "Choose 'Daily Mail' a number from the board,".
I will try these techniques this year.
"Anne, I'll just bring that (promote Luke) report over right now,"
It just might work!
For instance, Anne couches her language in these ways - she refers to herself, in very positive powerful ways such as "I have solved this problem," "I understand what he really means," "I will give you the benefit of the doubt,".
When referring to others it is always the opposite. For example, "You cannot see the big picture," "People are incapable of following simple procedures," "You've got this completely wrong you absolute imbecile!" and so on.
None of this means that she is actually capable or any good at running a department efficiently but it certainly can help her to pull the wool over her superior's eyes. I can imagine the post interview review amongst the board.
"Wow, she is very positive,"
"Yes. She certainly knows her stuff,"
"You're right she was the loudest and brashest person we've interviewed. And she is a woman. She must be good. We'd better hire her!"
Another interesting fact about NLP is that Derren Brown uses it in his mind control performances. Those of you that saw the Special this Christmas would probably have been as astounded as I was when he got random members of an audience to pick a random word from a random cutting of a randomly selected newspaper. Of course it all became clear when he explained that he did it by suggesting rather obviously through his performance that they "Choose 'Daily Mail' a number from the board,".
I will try these techniques this year.
"Anne, I'll just bring that (promote Luke) report over right now,"
It just might work!
03 January 2007
Wednesday - Eastenders for beginners
As overheard in the team today when they were discussing the latest plotlines in the 'enders:
Jo: "So Martin thinks Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate: "No, Martin said I know who killed Pauline"
Jo: "I thought he said 'I know you killed Pauline,'"
Ted: "He said I know who killed Pauline because Rebecca saw Sonia hit Pauline,"
Kate: "And Sonia thinks that she killed Pauline,"
Jo: "I'm sure he said that 'I know you killed Pauline,"
Kate: " No it was 'I know who killed Pauline,'"
Jo: "So he doesn't think that Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate and Ted: "No. He thinks that Sonia killed Pauline,"
Dan: "Does anyone know how to get the sludgey stuff from chicken soup out of the end of a bic biro after they've stirred it?"
Jo: "So Martin thinks Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate: "No, Martin said I know who killed Pauline"
Jo: "I thought he said 'I know you killed Pauline,'"
Ted: "He said I know who killed Pauline because Rebecca saw Sonia hit Pauline,"
Kate: "And Sonia thinks that she killed Pauline,"
Jo: "I'm sure he said that 'I know you killed Pauline,"
Kate: " No it was 'I know who killed Pauline,'"
Jo: "So he doesn't think that Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate and Ted: "No. He thinks that Sonia killed Pauline,"
Dan: "Does anyone know how to get the sludgey stuff from chicken soup out of the end of a bic biro after they've stirred it?"
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