28 March 2007

Wednesday - Fork in the Toaster

I start to worry when certain individuals approach or email me with a simple but unexplained question about working practice, take the answer and then leave without further explanation.

Case in Point: Anne materialised at my shoulder and then asked. "Luke, how do you log MD complaints on the Feedback log?"

I answered, albeit slowly and by careful picking each word of my answer whilst watching for the slightest tic in Anne's enormous puff pastry face that might indicate if I was on the wrong track. I knew the answer but I didn't know if the answer I knew was the answer that Anne wanted.

"Ok" said Anne non-commitally as I'd placed the full-stop at the end of my sentence. She waddled back to her cave to chew over the remains of some temps.

Within two hours an email from Jez had pinged into my inbox. He simply asked the same question but there was no backstory to his question. Rather than simple fire off a reply, I approached his desk.

"Why do you want to know about the feedback log?" I asked him.

"Oh. Anne just wanted to know."

"But I told her this morning."

"I didn't know that," Jez said. "Still. I've told her what we do here. How do you deal with them. Just so I can make sure we're doing it right."

I had nothing to hide, I thought, my confidence growing, perhaps foolishly. I told Jez what I'd already told Anne. After all, both Kate and I had prepared an lengthy suggestion for improving this process, although our document probably now served as bedding in Anne's cave.

"Ok," said Jez. "Thanks."

Should I be worried? Sometimes I would be safer probing live electrical items with inappropriate tools than I would be going to work.

At least the danger is obvious.

Tuesday - The Obligatory Flashback Episode

I've been writing this blog for a year now and I'm still here! Plodding away with the occasional musing. With uncannily good timing the Sunday Times ran an article about blogs at the weekend and in particular the high number of blog abandonment, the internet is becoming a bit of a blog graveyard. With bloggers giving up the task of recording their own thoughts after just a couple of postings. Apathy will be the internets downfall!

You only have to look at my links on the right hand side - Rachel from North London is but a very suspicious 404 not found error, and Shuffling Chunks hasn't resurfaced since Christmas Day.

I suppose we have to consider why we do this. Am I so arrogant as to believe that anyone is really interested in what is happening in my life? My visitor count would suggest not. For me this is a form of therapy and if you've just stumbled upon this blog and get something out of your visit, then that's a bonus.

In true sitcom style I'm going to revisit some of my better postings. Have a read. See what you think.

'Hey do you remember that time when...'

wibble wibble wibble screen fade

Diary of a Wage Slave: Friday - Bogged Down by Detail

Diary of a Wage Slave: Wednesday - PG Rating

Diary of a Wage Slave: Tuesday - Wax on, wax off

Diary of a Wage Slave: Tuesday - I want it done and I want it done now!

Diary of a Wage Slave: Anne's Blog

Diary of a Wage Slave: Wednesday - Greener grass

See. This blog used to be much funnier!

26 March 2007

Monday - Stop the Clocks

Summertime began yesterday and with it, the loss of one hour.

As expected Jo, turned up marginally later than usual, the reason given that she hadn't adjusted her clock so thought it was an hour earlier than it was. She doesn't make my task of defending her easy.

Dan suggested that next year, the clocks go forward on a Monday rather than a Sunday, preferrably at 4PM. I told him I'd put his request to Tony.

12 March 2007

Monday - Every Office has 'em

If you really want to make yourself popular in your place of work, here are a few pointers that'll bestow the user with the reputation of having a rapier quick, Noel Coward style of wit.

1) If someone asks you if you want a drink from the drinks machine, tell them that you'd love a whisky or whatever alcoholic beverage takes your fancy. This way you'll be telling your colleagues that not only are you funny, but you're so stressed from working so hard that you're turning to drink!

2) When someone asks what day it is, inform them that it is (Mon/Tues/Wednes..etc day) and it will continue to be so ALL DAY!

3) If you have some blank wall space, please decorate it with an amusing cartoon of some men, rolling on the floor laughing with the caption 'You want it when?!" underneath. I never fail to raise a little chuckle whenever I see this amusing delight.

4) If you get the opportunity, send a select sample of your colleagues videos of people with fireworks up their arses that you've found on YouTube. Even better, send them a copy of that complaint letter to NTL that has been doing the e-rounds since 1998.

5) Write 'Happy Birthday' on Wedding Cards and 'Merry Christmas' on Birthday cards.

Do all of these and workplace popularity will be yours. Feel free to add any other suggestions in the comments!

08 March 2007

Wednesday - One of our knive's is missing

Another team leader meeting in the board room for added secrecy and away from attentive ears.

Jez must be slipping. It took him all of four minutes before he made a crack about Jo. Tracey had booked some holiday - her second already in the year and he'd commented that she was almost away from the office as often as Jo. I did the rightful thing and defended my team member.

"In the past twelve month's Jo has only been ill twice. Which is less than Steve in your team. She's improved a lot since our last little chat," I said, stating absolute facts that negated the reputation that had dogged Jo.

Jez appeared stunned as if I'd just hit him over the head with a giant mallet. But to be honest I've had enough of the snidey character assasinations that were so persistent in the office.

As Ted told me when he was my Mr Miyagi for that week last year, if you tell people something is true often enough, eventually they have no choice but to believe it.

"To be honest with you," I continued in the meeting. "Jo isn't a career person, she only wants to make some money so that she can go out and enjoy herself at the weekend."

Anne, who had left the womb aged 57, looked as me as if I'd just started talking in Mandarin. The concept of not living for work so totally alien to her I might as well have suggested that some people like to chew off their own heads.

"But she works really well when she's here," I continued. "But she's starting to feel that people are getting at her and this is affecting her work. I wouldn't want to lose her from the team."

Anne thought for a moment before speaking. "If someone can't take the strain they shouldn't be in this job. We need to start weeding out the shirkers that are dragging this department down. Don't be taken in by Jo.We can't continue to support people who just want to take from this company and don't want to give anything back. Be careful with your dealings with her, Luke. People like that are always judging others by their own standards and accusing colleagues of their own behaviors."

Quite. I thought.
"

07 March 2007

Tuesday - No Asshole's allowed

Not much of a blog today but Dan's has indicated that he might put an entry into the staff suggestion scheme that the company introduce a 'No Asshole's rule' as proposed by Robert Sutton.

I don't know who should be more worried - Anne or me.

01 March 2007

Thursday - Shhhhhh!

Some days I feel like I'm trapped in a cage with a sleeping bear. No matter how much I tip toe, I know that bear isn't going to stay asleep forever and soon it'll wake, notice me and it a fit of pique rip me to shreds just because didn't nod my head on cue.

Today was one of those days. Anne had imprinted the strategy for today at 8:30 when just Tracey, Jez and I were in.

"ITS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE IN HERE WITH ALL THIS NOISE OUT HERE. I'VE A LOT TO DO AND I DON'T EXPECT TO HAVE TO COME OUT HERE AGAIN!" She snarled at us before disappearing back into her dark and strangely smelling corner.

A damage limitation exercise followed. As the teams drifted in, I casually and quietly requested that they keep things down for today. Everyone was compliant apart from Gareth.

"What? Why? Does that mean we can't answer the phone?" He boomed in that deep Valleys accent of his.

"No," I mouthed in the vain hope that he might take a hint. "but no idle chit-chat about Eastenders or the six nations,"

"We need to be able to make small talk between calls. It helps morale,"

"She's always singling us out," added Jo, now following Gareth's lead and standing up for her rights. "Jez's team spent all yesterday afternoon talking about Steve's ingrowing toenail but Anne didn't say anything to them,"

"It doesn't matter what they do," I said. "We mustn't do anything to annoy Anne today,"

"I'm sorry but I can't be quiet all day. It's not practical," said Gareth, his voice getting louder and louder.

Jo and Dan joined in. They all started talking at once, creating the very row that I'd been so determined to avoid.

"Dan. Jo. Gareth. Please let me explain, " I said through gritted teeth but it was too late.

"Luke!" Bellowed Anne from the shadow of her nest. "I expect you to lead by example and all I can hear is your yapping. I don't want to have to say it again!"

Still. At least it shut the team up.