Monday - Vorsprung Durch Technik

Short shouty bloke has an Audi. He will only use the fast lane of the motorway and anyone foolish enough to drive in the same lane ahead of him will be flashed to pull over so that he can pass. Even if they're doing 90.

He's lived in the same house for 20 years. It's in a very dodgy area of town but he's comfortable there because that's where he grew up. He dislikes anyone that he considers 'posh' - which by his definition means someone who doesn't read the Sun - and he spends every single penny of his massive salary - and it is massive - on HD TV's, he now has two for every room in his house, and bingo nights with his family. Anything left over is squandered on lottery tickets.

I know I should give him a name - even a fake one, but to be honest with you, I can't really be bothered and short shouty bloke just feels so appropriate. As you will see.

I needed a file from our ----town office today. It was a case that they had been dealing with but an escalation of a complaint and a general breakdown of relationship with the customer had meant that it had to be transferred to me to independently investigate each point of the complaint. Short, shouty bloke had an interest in it as it was one of his accounts.

I'd phoned the office and asked for copies of the letters to be faxed down so I could see what had been written.

Foolishly, I beleived them when they said they'd do it straight away.

SSB was on my case immediately. "Have you got those letters yet?"

"I've phoned them. They're faxing them through."

An hour later and they still hadn't arrived on the machine. I made another call and was told that 'the temp hadn't got round to doing it yet'. I pressed home the urgency of the matter and was again promised that they would be sent immediately.

A sonic shockwave blasted through the office proceeding SSB's entry.

"I've chased them," I said hoping to head him off at the pass.

"So the top man is on the case," he said sarcastically. "I'll be back in ten,"

When he left I called the other office again. I pleaded. I begged. I threatened. "This is priority. Please send these letters through immediatley."

My victim on the end of the line recovered enough from the battering I'd given him to say "I'll get them and send them myself. I don't know where the temp has gone."

I finished the call with further threats of escalation if he hadn't complied. I namedropped the MD for effect. True to his word SSB was back in the office. He was already tutting before I'd spoke.

"I just chased them again. They're sending them as we speak."

"Not good enough. Get back on to them."

"But I just got off -"

Before I could finish SSB had unholstered his phone - yes, he really had a little pouch for his mobile that hung off his belt - and rang someone of authority. Someone he called Rickus Dickus.

"Rickus Dickus. Yeah. Short Shouty Bloke. This xx complaint. We're still awaiting the fax copies?"

At that point the fax machine started to rumble. It spewed out a white tongue of paper.

SSB killed his phone.

"There. That's how you get things done. " said Short Shouty Bloke.

I didn't tell him that the copy he requested from Rickus Dickus came through two hours later.