Emailed instructions from Anne today as she was away at Head Office: 1- Make sure that backlog's cleared. 2-Keep phone levels at 95% 3- Deal with Jez's temp hygiene problem.
I had to reread the third instruction three times before it sank in. She wasn't referring to Dave but Jez's other temp - Sue. Sitting over the other side of the office I wasn't aware that she had a hygiene problem and as she was Jez's temp I couldn't understand why I had to deal with it.
The trouble is how do you approach something like that? Just tell them they smell? Suggest they use deoderant? What if it's due to a medical condition? I don't want to hurt the woman's feelings and she always looks likes shes about to burst into tears.
I prepared my interview with her and plan exactly what I'm going to say. I even prepared responses to anticipated replies.
I took Sue into a meeting room, the odour was like a solid wall. I could have chewed on it if I'd dared to breath.
"Sue," I began. "I've been asked to speak to you -"
Before I could finish she interupted me.
"Oh sorry have I forgotten to spray again?"
I nod.
"Sorry I was in such a rush this morning. Can I nip out to Boots and sort myself out?"
I have no alternative but to let her go. Surprisingly she returns and balsts her pits in the middle of the office without any hint of embarrassment.
"Can you sort out Gareth's wind problem as well," Suggests Ted.
26 July 2006
25 July 2006
Tuesday - PC's of Fire
The quiet of the day was broken by a scream from Jo's desk.
"My PC's on fire," she told me in a panic.
She'd moved the base unit to free up some wires that had snagged at the back and had noticed an orange flame behind the grille at the back of the PC. I got to it just before Dan had thrown a cup of water over the machine.
A quick check revealed no smoke or burning and the orange glow was merely the result of an LED quietly doing its job and letting us know that the connection it monitored was indeed connected.
"No Jo, I don't think you're stupid." I said pre-empting her usual wail, "It is better to be safe than sorry and anyone could have made the same mistake."
"My PC's on fire," she told me in a panic.
She'd moved the base unit to free up some wires that had snagged at the back and had noticed an orange flame behind the grille at the back of the PC. I got to it just before Dan had thrown a cup of water over the machine.
A quick check revealed no smoke or burning and the orange glow was merely the result of an LED quietly doing its job and letting us know that the connection it monitored was indeed connected.
"No Jo, I don't think you're stupid." I said pre-empting her usual wail, "It is better to be safe than sorry and anyone could have made the same mistake."
24 July 2006
Monday - Dan's Free Scotch Egg of Doom
Only two days to go until IT have passed their SLA for delivery of my IT request. Of course I've not heard any thing from them on it since my last heated discussion with them. I suspect that no one has looked at it yet and it is probably won't be until the SLA has passed. To IT, the term 'Action by' translates as 'Instigate action on'.
Anne told us how lucky we were to have her as a boss this morning. Gary is looking more and more drawn with each passing day. I believe he may regret his decision to join this company and leave the service of his last employer. Anne has already started to drop hints about getting a troubleshooter in to sort our problems out. She seems to have forgotten that that was Gary's role when he joined us.
To cheer myself up I found myself tagging along with the staff on a foray at lunchtime. It wasn't that I deliberately went out with them, Dan and Gareth just happened to be walking in the same direction for lunch.
It was quite educational. Their greatest daily obstacle was endeavouring to make sure that they didn't miss any of the scantily clad women that seem to flood the streets when the temperature rose. They taught me how to forage for food from the freebie promotional people that occassionally hung around on the High Street. Yesterday it had been some tinned fruit drink that contained less citric acid and sodium benzoate than usual fruit flavoured soft-drinks but was made with almost 25% real fruit extract. Dan told me that after eighteen of those bad boys he'd spent most of yesterday afternoon on the toilet. Today it was a new scotch egg based snack that those other wage slaves with less pride than I queued up for at the stand put up for the promotional campaign.
Gareth and Dan nabbed twenty between them. I just got the two from the girls that pressed them into my hands as I passed. We saw Dave trying on his cheeky cockney charm with one of the promotional girls. He gave her his number promising that 'he'd show her a good time,'. He then saw us and then kept muttering that 'there were gonna be repercussions'.
Back at the office Jo told us how she was such a good judge of character. Dan politely ate his scotch-egg based snack without saying a word.
Anne told us how lucky we were to have her as a boss this morning. Gary is looking more and more drawn with each passing day. I believe he may regret his decision to join this company and leave the service of his last employer. Anne has already started to drop hints about getting a troubleshooter in to sort our problems out. She seems to have forgotten that that was Gary's role when he joined us.
To cheer myself up I found myself tagging along with the staff on a foray at lunchtime. It wasn't that I deliberately went out with them, Dan and Gareth just happened to be walking in the same direction for lunch.
It was quite educational. Their greatest daily obstacle was endeavouring to make sure that they didn't miss any of the scantily clad women that seem to flood the streets when the temperature rose. They taught me how to forage for food from the freebie promotional people that occassionally hung around on the High Street. Yesterday it had been some tinned fruit drink that contained less citric acid and sodium benzoate than usual fruit flavoured soft-drinks but was made with almost 25% real fruit extract. Dan told me that after eighteen of those bad boys he'd spent most of yesterday afternoon on the toilet. Today it was a new scotch egg based snack that those other wage slaves with less pride than I queued up for at the stand put up for the promotional campaign.
Gareth and Dan nabbed twenty between them. I just got the two from the girls that pressed them into my hands as I passed. We saw Dave trying on his cheeky cockney charm with one of the promotional girls. He gave her his number promising that 'he'd show her a good time,'. He then saw us and then kept muttering that 'there were gonna be repercussions'.
Back at the office Jo told us how she was such a good judge of character. Dan politely ate his scotch-egg based snack without saying a word.
12 July 2006
Wednesday - Greener grass
The battle of the IT request continues. After yesterday's fiasco I completed another online form. For good measure I phoned up the team in Glasgow to stress that it was treated as priority.
"We cannot escalate it yet," The voice on the end of the phone told me. "It hasn't passed its service level standard yet."
"What's the service level standard?" I asked foolishly.
"Ten working days,"
"So if its urgent I can't get it prioritised until its too late?"
"No. That's not what I said. You cannot escalate this IT request until it is over its SLA."
"So this should be complete in 10 working days then?"
"Yeah. Of course. It should be complete in 10 working days," The voice on the phone replied. His tone didn't fill me with confidence and I got the distinct impression that he kept putting me on mute to update his laughing colleagues about my naievity.
In the team, discussion was about the XYZ company that was currently sponsoring a massive recruitment drive. According to Gareth, they paid twice as much, had double the amount of holidays, better company perks, a staff gym that was free to use and provided a free bar for anyone working the weekend.
Dan joined in. He'd heard that they organised fully paid weekends away for staff at Alton Towers and Eurodisney. At lunchtime they'd both arranged to visit the agency advertising their vacancies and sign themselves up. The rumour spread across the office and soon most of the floor had visited the agency.
Anne wondered what was wrong. I told her that morale was low at the moment due to our rapidly increasing workloads. I couldn't tell her that all of her staff were deserting her for our biggest competitor. She was in a lighter mood than normal.
"I've just the solution," she said. She left the office with her handbag, unusual for daylight hours, to return half an hour later. Put these out for everyone," she said handing me four packets of chocolate 'Hob Nobs'. She almost winked at me as if she was some sort of magical chocolate biscuit fairy.
That'll reduce staff turnover I thought.
"We cannot escalate it yet," The voice on the end of the phone told me. "It hasn't passed its service level standard yet."
"What's the service level standard?" I asked foolishly.
"Ten working days,"
"So if its urgent I can't get it prioritised until its too late?"
"No. That's not what I said. You cannot escalate this IT request until it is over its SLA."
"So this should be complete in 10 working days then?"
"Yeah. Of course. It should be complete in 10 working days," The voice on the phone replied. His tone didn't fill me with confidence and I got the distinct impression that he kept putting me on mute to update his laughing colleagues about my naievity.
In the team, discussion was about the XYZ company that was currently sponsoring a massive recruitment drive. According to Gareth, they paid twice as much, had double the amount of holidays, better company perks, a staff gym that was free to use and provided a free bar for anyone working the weekend.
Dan joined in. He'd heard that they organised fully paid weekends away for staff at Alton Towers and Eurodisney. At lunchtime they'd both arranged to visit the agency advertising their vacancies and sign themselves up. The rumour spread across the office and soon most of the floor had visited the agency.
Anne wondered what was wrong. I told her that morale was low at the moment due to our rapidly increasing workloads. I couldn't tell her that all of her staff were deserting her for our biggest competitor. She was in a lighter mood than normal.
"I've just the solution," she said. She left the office with her handbag, unusual for daylight hours, to return half an hour later. Put these out for everyone," she said handing me four packets of chocolate 'Hob Nobs'. She almost winked at me as if she was some sort of magical chocolate biscuit fairy.
That'll reduce staff turnover I thought.
11 July 2006
Monday - IT Request Table Tennis
Surpisingly, there has been no fall-out from Jez about the inappropriately misdirected email. I've just played innocent and told him I was only following his request to email the team. How was I to know that he didn't want me to send the entire history of our discussion to Anne.
This brings me to another point. How come Anne didn't pick him up on his monthly reports absence? Tracey seems to think that she has it in for us and whatever we do will always be wrong, but I, perhaps naievely, believed that surely someone in Anne's position of authority would not behave so unprofessionally. Maybe she's not being so paranoid after all.
I've started the usual fun and games that begins with every request from IT for anything remotely to do with access or ID's. I've been lumbered with it as Tracey, Jez and I have been batting it to each other in the hope that someone else would do it. because, to be honest with you, the process is as much fun as extracting your own tongue with a blowtorch. I got stuck with this one as both Tracey and Jez have completed the last two.
The process starts with the completion of an online form which is sent to IT in Glasgow. There a mandarin, queries it, refers it and if you're lucky will then authorise it. From there it will be passed to various teams around the world in India, Ireland and eventually back to Glasgow. With any luck you'll end up with a completed IT request within the agreed service standards. This has never, ever been known to happen.
I was going to let the process defeat me. I would face it head on like a matador to a bull. I phoned the Glasgow office in the afternoon. That would have given them the few hours that they would have needed to at least authorise the request.
To my surprise I was told that the request had been rejected. The reason - that there was a piece of information missing from the five gig request that I'd completed.
"Why didn't you phone me?"
They had but had been unable to get an answer and so they'd closed the request.
"I have voice mail, why didn't you leave a message?"
The minion I was speaking to couldn't answer. His notes just said that I could not be contacted. I offered to provide the missing information but it was to no avail. They would not and could not reopen a closed request. I would have to start the entire process again.
First point to the IT request team.
This brings me to another point. How come Anne didn't pick him up on his monthly reports absence? Tracey seems to think that she has it in for us and whatever we do will always be wrong, but I, perhaps naievely, believed that surely someone in Anne's position of authority would not behave so unprofessionally. Maybe she's not being so paranoid after all.
I've started the usual fun and games that begins with every request from IT for anything remotely to do with access or ID's. I've been lumbered with it as Tracey, Jez and I have been batting it to each other in the hope that someone else would do it. because, to be honest with you, the process is as much fun as extracting your own tongue with a blowtorch. I got stuck with this one as both Tracey and Jez have completed the last two.
The process starts with the completion of an online form which is sent to IT in Glasgow. There a mandarin, queries it, refers it and if you're lucky will then authorise it. From there it will be passed to various teams around the world in India, Ireland and eventually back to Glasgow. With any luck you'll end up with a completed IT request within the agreed service standards. This has never, ever been known to happen.
I was going to let the process defeat me. I would face it head on like a matador to a bull. I phoned the Glasgow office in the afternoon. That would have given them the few hours that they would have needed to at least authorise the request.
To my surprise I was told that the request had been rejected. The reason - that there was a piece of information missing from the five gig request that I'd completed.
"Why didn't you phone me?"
They had but had been unable to get an answer and so they'd closed the request.
"I have voice mail, why didn't you leave a message?"
The minion I was speaking to couldn't answer. His notes just said that I could not be contacted. I offered to provide the missing information but it was to no avail. They would not and could not reopen a closed request. I would have to start the entire process again.
First point to the IT request team.
04 July 2006
Tuesday - Shot by your own side
Email from Jez Sansom to Luke Willshire:
Luke,
Anne is a bit concerned that the month-end reports have been moved from the Monthly Report folder on the network drive. Have you (accidentally) moved the files?
Jez.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
I haven't moved any files from the folder. I've just checked and my reports for last month are there, as are Tracey's. It appears that its yours that are missing and I haven't moved them. Where did you save them?
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
I'm not sure of the exact date. But they're not there now and Anne seems to think that stuff is being moved by unauthorised persons so I need to investigate.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
If you check your history you should be able to see where they were saved. Or you could ask IT to extract the files from the backup tapes.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
I don't think they'll find anything. Can you just email the teams and let them know that they must not move any files from the network drive. Make sure you cc Anne.
Thanks
Jez
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke back to Jez
Will do but I don't think anyone has moved your files. They all know that the network drive is off limits.
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez back to Luke.
I may not have completed my month end reports. But if you could just email the team advising them not to move or delete any files from the Network drive as originally requested.
Jez.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Email to All Staff from Luke. cc to Anne.
All,
Please make sure that none of you delete or move any files from the network drive with immediate effect.
Thanks
Luke.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
Thanks for sending that email to all staff and Anne. It appears you accidentally included the entire history of the emails at the same time.
Jez
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Luke to Jez,
Oops. Sorry Jez - it was an accident.
Luke,
Anne is a bit concerned that the month-end reports have been moved from the Monthly Report folder on the network drive. Have you (accidentally) moved the files?
Jez.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
I haven't moved any files from the folder. I've just checked and my reports for last month are there, as are Tracey's. It appears that its yours that are missing and I haven't moved them. Where did you save them?
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
I'm not sure of the exact date. But they're not there now and Anne seems to think that stuff is being moved by unauthorised persons so I need to investigate.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke to Jez.
Jez,
If you check your history you should be able to see where they were saved. Or you could ask IT to extract the files from the backup tapes.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez to Luke.
I don't think they'll find anything. Can you just email the teams and let them know that they must not move any files from the network drive. Make sure you cc Anne.
Thanks
Jez
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Luke back to Jez
Will do but I don't think anyone has moved your files. They all know that the network drive is off limits.
Luke
------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply from Jez back to Luke.
I may not have completed my month end reports. But if you could just email the team advising them not to move or delete any files from the Network drive as originally requested.
Jez.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Email to All Staff from Luke. cc to Anne.
All,
Please make sure that none of you delete or move any files from the network drive with immediate effect.
Thanks
Luke.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Jez to Luke.
Luke,
Thanks for sending that email to all staff and Anne. It appears you accidentally included the entire history of the emails at the same time.
Jez
--------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Luke to Jez,
Oops. Sorry Jez - it was an accident.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
