Jo came in today wearing something that - as Dan described it - 'looked like something that his Nana would use as a cushion,'
"You're always getting at me," Jo retorted. "You laugh at the things I do. Calling me Nicki. You made fun of my boyfriend and think that he's a git." She said.
"No. We don't think he's a git," I told her in my most concerned supervisory tone.
"I'm not seeing him anymore," Jo said.
"Ok," said Gareth. "Actually he is a git then. We always thought he was."
"You could do better than him," added Ted. Dan looked hopeful. The look on his face faded when Sue emerged from Jez's team. Her arm was in a plastercast. The result of a longwinded incident involving one of her cats, some worming tablets and a swivel chair.
"There's a funny smell coming from my PC," She told me eyeing up Kate's empty desk expectantly. This was a strange excuse from a woman to whom I'd had to explain the use of deoderant in a civilised society.
I asked her to tell Jez, but he was in a meeting.
"I don't want to use it in case it electrocutes me or summat," She said (Sue was from Leeds)
I was about to show her to Kate's empty desk but saw the look of extreme panic in Dan's eyes. I found another desk away from our team.
"You ever upset me and I'm requesting that she's transfered to our team," I told Dan.
31 August 2006
29 August 2006
Tuesday - Damage Limitation
Sue the temp - yes, she's still here - claimed that her PC was making a funny buzzing noise today. She was reluctant to sit at her desk in case the screen exploded and gave her a number of unwanted piercings.
Jez was on manoeuvres so I sat her in the Kate's old desk opposite Dan. For the rest of the afternoon, Sue battered Dan with a torrent of banal chatter about her dog, her mum and all of the accidents she keeps having. No wonder she was worried about the screen. She seemed to have taken a shine to Dan, much in the same way that a puppy likes to slobber over an old slipper. I phoned the helpdesk to get them to look into her buzzing PC.
Gary summoned me to his desk. "Anne's asked me to have a word with you," He said. I knew it must be bad because Anne always asked Gary to have a word when she was very, very, very, very angry and didn't want to do ten years for manslaughter.
"You raised an IT request a couple of weeks ago," Gary continued. I nodded. "The thing is, I, and Anne need to understand this IT request. And IT need to know who authorised it in this department."
"I authorised it. I've got departmental self-authorisation for up to £1000 spend. It's normal team leader authority level."
"But who gave you that authority?" Asked Gary.
"Anne did. She asked for it because she was fed up of having to authorise all IT requests herself."
"Ah. Right," Said Gary. "Anne wants to see all IT requests in future. Before you authorise them."
"So she wants to authorise them again?"
"No. You can still authorise them but Anne needs to see them first. And agree that they can be authorised."
Suddenly I understood what had happened. "This has all come about because of my complaints about IT not meeting with their service standards isn't it. Someone has started asking these questions to deflect attention away from their department and focus it on something completely inconsequential,"
"I don't know the ins and outs of the background of this," said Gary. "But Anne's asked that you don't do anything, or say anything, to anyone outside this department that may draw any sort of attention to us."
Jez was on manoeuvres so I sat her in the Kate's old desk opposite Dan. For the rest of the afternoon, Sue battered Dan with a torrent of banal chatter about her dog, her mum and all of the accidents she keeps having. No wonder she was worried about the screen. She seemed to have taken a shine to Dan, much in the same way that a puppy likes to slobber over an old slipper. I phoned the helpdesk to get them to look into her buzzing PC.
Gary summoned me to his desk. "Anne's asked me to have a word with you," He said. I knew it must be bad because Anne always asked Gary to have a word when she was very, very, very, very angry and didn't want to do ten years for manslaughter.
"You raised an IT request a couple of weeks ago," Gary continued. I nodded. "The thing is, I, and Anne need to understand this IT request. And IT need to know who authorised it in this department."
"I authorised it. I've got departmental self-authorisation for up to £1000 spend. It's normal team leader authority level."
"But who gave you that authority?" Asked Gary.
"Anne did. She asked for it because she was fed up of having to authorise all IT requests herself."
"Ah. Right," Said Gary. "Anne wants to see all IT requests in future. Before you authorise them."
"So she wants to authorise them again?"
"No. You can still authorise them but Anne needs to see them first. And agree that they can be authorised."
Suddenly I understood what had happened. "This has all come about because of my complaints about IT not meeting with their service standards isn't it. Someone has started asking these questions to deflect attention away from their department and focus it on something completely inconsequential,"
"I don't know the ins and outs of the background of this," said Gary. "But Anne's asked that you don't do anything, or say anything, to anyone outside this department that may draw any sort of attention to us."
23 August 2006
Wednesday - Viewing Habits
Big Brother is finally off the air so no longer do I have to put up with Ms Wage-Slave's 10 PM Channel 4 obsession but I also don't have to put up with Jo, Dan and Gareth bleating on about who they want to win every morning.
My relief this week has been shortlived. 'Love Island' has replaced conversation about how mad Nicky is (See I even know their names!) and Jo has reminded me that a new series of X-Factor began on Saturday so I have to endure yet more of Simon Cowell cruelly destroying the hopes of untalented people who clearly appear to have quite severe learning disabilities.
I've started socialising in the canteen with Ted. Despite the age gap I worry that I have more in common with him than the others. He is giving me grumbling lessons.
My relief this week has been shortlived. 'Love Island' has replaced conversation about how mad Nicky is (See I even know their names!) and Jo has reminded me that a new series of X-Factor began on Saturday so I have to endure yet more of Simon Cowell cruelly destroying the hopes of untalented people who clearly appear to have quite severe learning disabilities.
I've started socialising in the canteen with Ted. Despite the age gap I worry that I have more in common with him than the others. He is giving me grumbling lessons.
Tuesday - Easy to do business with
The new corporate buzz phrase is that 'we're easy to do business with' and the now ubiquitous phrase can be found in company magazines, promotional literature, advertising guff and on the toilet rolls in the company washrooms.
My own dealings, however, as a member of the company, and technically, an insider with assumed inside knowledge, have been far from easy. My encounter with Eastern Europe is a case in point. If even I can't get through to the right person in the corporation and am subjected to the 'one-way system' of telephonic technology, what hope is there for Distressed of Ealing? The inhouse phone directory was a dead-end, a friendly voice cutting me off after announcing that 'the person I need is not available right now. Please call again later.' and switchboard could not put me through because 'all lines to that department are now routed to the Baltic Sea.
My day was made worse by a friendly little email from the IT department stating that my IT request was now complete and had been closed. I opened my desktop and sure enough there was a new and shiny little icon just waiting to be clicked. But clicking on it only brought about a sudden snarl of agression from the PC , that unwelcome miskeyed chord that microsoft windows loves so much.
'You do not have the required access for this application. Please see your system administrator.'
Obviously IT were wrong and the IT request had not been completed. I phoned the number given in the email.
'Oh no,' said the officious IT request minion. "'Your IT request did not specify that you wanted to be able to use the application. You just requested the application on your desktop,'
'Well what do you think I wanted it there for? To make the desktop look pretty? Of course I wanted to use it,'
'Not on the request,' said the IT drone, knowing that if he could keep me from reinstating the IT request that there would be one less IT request on the outstanding IT request backlog report. 'If you want to use the application you'll have to complete a new IT request,' He said smugly. 'There's a 10 working day service level standard.'
Match point to IT.
My own dealings, however, as a member of the company, and technically, an insider with assumed inside knowledge, have been far from easy. My encounter with Eastern Europe is a case in point. If even I can't get through to the right person in the corporation and am subjected to the 'one-way system' of telephonic technology, what hope is there for Distressed of Ealing? The inhouse phone directory was a dead-end, a friendly voice cutting me off after announcing that 'the person I need is not available right now. Please call again later.' and switchboard could not put me through because 'all lines to that department are now routed to the Baltic Sea.
My day was made worse by a friendly little email from the IT department stating that my IT request was now complete and had been closed. I opened my desktop and sure enough there was a new and shiny little icon just waiting to be clicked. But clicking on it only brought about a sudden snarl of agression from the PC , that unwelcome miskeyed chord that microsoft windows loves so much.
'You do not have the required access for this application. Please see your system administrator.'
Obviously IT were wrong and the IT request had not been completed. I phoned the number given in the email.
'Oh no,' said the officious IT request minion. "'Your IT request did not specify that you wanted to be able to use the application. You just requested the application on your desktop,'
'Well what do you think I wanted it there for? To make the desktop look pretty? Of course I wanted to use it,'
'Not on the request,' said the IT drone, knowing that if he could keep me from reinstating the IT request that there would be one less IT request on the outstanding IT request backlog report. 'If you want to use the application you'll have to complete a new IT request,' He said smugly. 'There's a 10 working day service level standard.'
Match point to IT.
15 August 2006
Tuesday - Passage to Poland
As part of further investigation into 'Arrogant man's' complaint, I had to phone the Head Underwriting Office. Unfortunately a number of our most basic functions have been outsourced to the newly EU'd up Eastern European neighbours to 'improve customer service' under the new macho, Leopard Project. - Why do these project sponsors give them such agressive titles. Do they believe that they're really spies working for MI6? A reality check is needed urgently -
I called the external number for our Manchester office, an 0870 number, given to customers so that they can be happy in the fact that they are charged to phone up and complain.
The phone was answered, I needed to speak to a woman called Emma who had apparently dealt with 'arrogant man' before matters had escalated to their current meltdown status and 'arrogant man' started worrying about God jumping the queue in front of him.
"Goodafternoon. Youarethroughto'Michael', IamacustomerservicesrepresentativeintheCustomerServicesdepartment. MayIhaveapolicynumberplease?" Said a heavily accented voice that sounded as if he was auditioning for a school play.
"I need to speak to Emma - Can you put me through to her?"
This obviously threw 'Michael'.
"I'm-sorry-may-I-have-your-policy-number-please?"
"It's not about a policy. I need to speak to Emma in the Head Underwriters,"
"I'm-sorry," Michael said. I hadn't stuck to the script and he couldn't handle it. "I-am-not-able-to-understand-your-request. Please-can-you-provide-me-with-a-policy-number-so-that-I-may-assist-you?
"My name is Luke Willshire from the Company Complaints team in ---. I'm trying to get through to the Manchester Head Underwriting. Am I through to Gdansk?"
'Michael' seemed to relax a bit more now. "Which-department-does-he-work-in?"
"Manchester Head Underwriting," I said patiently.
"Yes. In which department does he work?"
"Don't worry. I'll try sonething else," I told 'Michael'.
I rang off and phoned through to switchboard. These ladies knew everything. I had a sneaky suspicion that they were the real controllers of the company. I explained my dilemma and asked if they could transfer me to Manchester Head Underwriting.
The phone rang. Someone answered.
"Goodafternoonyouarethroughto'Simon'Iamacustomerservicesrepresentativeincustomerserviceshowmayihelpyou?"
I called the external number for our Manchester office, an 0870 number, given to customers so that they can be happy in the fact that they are charged to phone up and complain.
The phone was answered, I needed to speak to a woman called Emma who had apparently dealt with 'arrogant man' before matters had escalated to their current meltdown status and 'arrogant man' started worrying about God jumping the queue in front of him.
"Goodafternoon. Youarethroughto'Michael', IamacustomerservicesrepresentativeintheCustomerServicesdepartment. MayIhaveapolicynumberplease?" Said a heavily accented voice that sounded as if he was auditioning for a school play.
"I need to speak to Emma - Can you put me through to her?"
This obviously threw 'Michael'.
"I'm-sorry-may-I-have-your-policy-number-please?"
"It's not about a policy. I need to speak to Emma in the Head Underwriters,"
"I'm-sorry," Michael said. I hadn't stuck to the script and he couldn't handle it. "I-am-not-able-to-understand-your-request. Please-can-you-provide-me-with-a-policy-number-so-that-I-may-assist-you?
"My name is Luke Willshire from the Company Complaints team in ---. I'm trying to get through to the Manchester Head Underwriting. Am I through to Gdansk?"
'Michael' seemed to relax a bit more now. "Which-department-does-he-work-in?"
"Manchester Head Underwriting," I said patiently.
"Yes. In which department does he work?"
"Don't worry. I'll try sonething else," I told 'Michael'.
I rang off and phoned through to switchboard. These ladies knew everything. I had a sneaky suspicion that they were the real controllers of the company. I explained my dilemma and asked if they could transfer me to Manchester Head Underwriting.
The phone rang. Someone answered.
"Goodafternoonyouarethroughto'Simon'Iamacustomerservicesrepresentativeincustomerserviceshowmayihelpyou?"
14 August 2006
Monday (again) - Suspicions about Anne
I'm getting really slack at keeping the blog up to date for which I can only apologise. The trouble is I have too much real life going on at the moment and sometimes writing this makes me feel like I'm just living all of the bad bits - twice!
I've noticed a couple of things about Anne. Maybe I'm a bit slow but it seems that Jez, and anyone in his team can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how little Anne thought of them prior to joining his team, once they're in they're angels. Kate is a case in point. I had to battle to get her efforts recognised when she was in my team. Now she's in Jez's, she only has to turn up and she's employee of the month. But it doesn't stop there.
After my run in with 'the most arrogant man in the world' last week. I had to provide Anne with a full investigation of the incidents leading up to his complaint. I can't go into detail here but it is partly although not entirely connected to a failure of one of our accounting processes. I explained this to Anne on my brief. She didn't believe me. She asked me questions about the account process. I answered them and explained exactly how it works and why in this case it didn't for this customer. She took my file and shooed me out of her cave, thanking me, but only as an afterthought from her 'getting the best from your employees training module.'
I overheard her putting the same questions to Jez a short while later, and Jez, knowing the same about processes as I do, gave her exactly the same answers that I did. With one difference.
She believed Jez.
Is it that I don't sound convincing? Does my nose grow and spout leaves when I talk to people? Why wouldn't Anne believe me but listen to Jez even though he is saying the same thing that I am.
It appears to both me and Tracey (I caught her crying after one nasty run-in with her earlier) that Anne judges people by her own perception of them rather than the reality. As a result, in Anne's mind, Jez is a hard-working, strong willed, disciplanarian who really brings his team on.
In my view, Jez is a bolshy slacker, who does what he can to appease his team members (ie; long lunches, leave agreed whenever they want it without department needs considered) and then
blags everything the rest of the time. But my view doesn't count. I'm not signing the appraisals.
If the most successful people in the company are the biggest bullshitters, someone had better have a large shovel handy.
I've noticed a couple of things about Anne. Maybe I'm a bit slow but it seems that Jez, and anyone in his team can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how little Anne thought of them prior to joining his team, once they're in they're angels. Kate is a case in point. I had to battle to get her efforts recognised when she was in my team. Now she's in Jez's, she only has to turn up and she's employee of the month. But it doesn't stop there.
After my run in with 'the most arrogant man in the world' last week. I had to provide Anne with a full investigation of the incidents leading up to his complaint. I can't go into detail here but it is partly although not entirely connected to a failure of one of our accounting processes. I explained this to Anne on my brief. She didn't believe me. She asked me questions about the account process. I answered them and explained exactly how it works and why in this case it didn't for this customer. She took my file and shooed me out of her cave, thanking me, but only as an afterthought from her 'getting the best from your employees training module.'
I overheard her putting the same questions to Jez a short while later, and Jez, knowing the same about processes as I do, gave her exactly the same answers that I did. With one difference.
She believed Jez.
Is it that I don't sound convincing? Does my nose grow and spout leaves when I talk to people? Why wouldn't Anne believe me but listen to Jez even though he is saying the same thing that I am.
It appears to both me and Tracey (I caught her crying after one nasty run-in with her earlier) that Anne judges people by her own perception of them rather than the reality. As a result, in Anne's mind, Jez is a hard-working, strong willed, disciplanarian who really brings his team on.
In my view, Jez is a bolshy slacker, who does what he can to appease his team members (ie; long lunches, leave agreed whenever they want it without department needs considered) and then
blags everything the rest of the time. But my view doesn't count. I'm not signing the appraisals.
If the most successful people in the company are the biggest bullshitters, someone had better have a large shovel handy.
01 August 2006
Tuesday - The most arrogant man in the world
We live in a 24 hour, want-it-now, customer-is-always-right society and it shows in the attitudes of some of our callers. I have been threatened with Watchdog, the severest of letters to MP's and even on one occassion 'to be sorted out' when I left the office, but most of the time its just a nod and a wink and a 'what can you do for me? '. Because everyone knows, if you don't complain, you don't get.
If we're in the wrong, its easy to deal with, apologise profusely, offer some sort of compensation - not neccessarily monetary, but if we're not then that's a different story. I've known of customers who've lost their houses and families through the most monumental corporate cock-ups and then apologise to us for inconveniencing us when they call in six months later to chase things up and then others who'll demand thousands of pounds in compensation because we've got an extra 'e' in their surname. Even though it was copied from their own handwritten proposal form.
This brings me to today's subject - Mr Arrogantarse - yes, you know who you are. No use hiding.
Ted called me over to his desk.
"I've got someone who insists on speaking to a team leader," Ted said. I nodded and switched into sympathetic but firm senior staff member mode and took the handset from Ted.
"Hello. My name is Luke Willshire. I'm Ted's team leader, how may I help you?"
"Are you a manager?" The voice asked.
"I'm a team leader," I said foolishly.
"I asked for a manager." His voice started to increase in pitch as if someone was winding him up. "I specifically asked for a manager. I don't believe this company,"
"I am Ted's direct line manager," said hoping to placate the caller. wasn't going to argue semantics and the corporate heirarchy.
"I don't want to speak to you. I asked for the most senior manager there. Are you the most senior person in your office?"
This could have gone two ways. I could have blagged it as other colleagues have done but this could backfire and badly.
"No. But I am the best person to help you with your enquiry. If you could tell me what it is about then -"
"Not good enough. I want to speak to the most senior manager. I want to speak to them now. I don't want to talk to you. You are not a manager."
I had enough of Anne telling me this everyday. Now the customers were too. Anne was in her cave scowling at bar charts whilst loading a heavy duty salmon and cream-cheese bagel into her mouth. Gary was at his desk reading e-mails.
"I'm afraid the manager is on the phone at the moment," I said. "Could you tell me what this is in realtion to?"
"What is his name?"
"Anne Sullivan," I said. She wouldn't be happy.
"Well she better be speaking to God because only he is more important than me," said the caller.
"I will get her to call you back," I said thinking that I could give her some breathing space.
"As soon as she is off the phone," the caller said and then hung up the phone. I didn't get his name or number. Was he that arrogant - or stupid to believe that we knew exactly who he was or what his number was.
I checked with Ted to see if he had any more information. He didn't. The only thing he'd said was that he wanted to speak to a manager.
"You could always tell Anne that Jesus called and she knows where he is," said Dan.
If we're in the wrong, its easy to deal with, apologise profusely, offer some sort of compensation - not neccessarily monetary, but if we're not then that's a different story. I've known of customers who've lost their houses and families through the most monumental corporate cock-ups and then apologise to us for inconveniencing us when they call in six months later to chase things up and then others who'll demand thousands of pounds in compensation because we've got an extra 'e' in their surname. Even though it was copied from their own handwritten proposal form.
This brings me to today's subject - Mr Arrogantarse - yes, you know who you are. No use hiding.
Ted called me over to his desk.
"I've got someone who insists on speaking to a team leader," Ted said. I nodded and switched into sympathetic but firm senior staff member mode and took the handset from Ted.
"Hello. My name is Luke Willshire. I'm Ted's team leader, how may I help you?"
"Are you a manager?" The voice asked.
"I'm a team leader," I said foolishly.
"I asked for a manager." His voice started to increase in pitch as if someone was winding him up. "I specifically asked for a manager. I don't believe this company,"
"I am Ted's direct line manager," said hoping to placate the caller. wasn't going to argue semantics and the corporate heirarchy.
"I don't want to speak to you. I asked for the most senior manager there. Are you the most senior person in your office?"
This could have gone two ways. I could have blagged it as other colleagues have done but this could backfire and badly.
"No. But I am the best person to help you with your enquiry. If you could tell me what it is about then -"
"Not good enough. I want to speak to the most senior manager. I want to speak to them now. I don't want to talk to you. You are not a manager."
I had enough of Anne telling me this everyday. Now the customers were too. Anne was in her cave scowling at bar charts whilst loading a heavy duty salmon and cream-cheese bagel into her mouth. Gary was at his desk reading e-mails.
"I'm afraid the manager is on the phone at the moment," I said. "Could you tell me what this is in realtion to?"
"What is his name?"
"Anne Sullivan," I said. She wouldn't be happy.
"Well she better be speaking to God because only he is more important than me," said the caller.
"I will get her to call you back," I said thinking that I could give her some breathing space.
"As soon as she is off the phone," the caller said and then hung up the phone. I didn't get his name or number. Was he that arrogant - or stupid to believe that we knew exactly who he was or what his number was.
I checked with Ted to see if he had any more information. He didn't. The only thing he'd said was that he wanted to speak to a manager.
"You could always tell Anne that Jesus called and she knows where he is," said Dan.
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