Our new televised marketing campaign was announced by Diamond Des today on one of his flying visits to the office to flash his orthodontal work at us. A couple of the okay-yah marketing bods joined him for a sneak preview of our new ads. I wish I could tell you what to look for but I can't for obvious reasons - maybe one day if I leave the company I'll let you know who we all are - but not yet.
The new campaign is designed to maximise customer awareness of our unique products and more specifically its special benefits according to okay-yah man. The marketing department has worked for three months on this campaign in close proximity to one of the largest and most prestigious advertising agencies in the world to create a strong brand name and awareness of it.
In layman's terms, the advert tells the viewer that our insurance is really, really cheap.
26 September 2006
Friday - Inspector Dreyfus
Posting this a few days late but you deserve an update.
Friday was dress down day and everyone turned up in green. Green tops, shirts, trousers, skirts and handkerchiefs. If there something green in the wardrobe then it was worn. Anne's comment that there was a consiracy against her had become, like all prophesies, self-fulfilling.
She made no more mention of our attire but I'm sure I saw the beginnings of a nervous twitch in her right eye.
Friday was dress down day and everyone turned up in green. Green tops, shirts, trousers, skirts and handkerchiefs. If there something green in the wardrobe then it was worn. Anne's comment that there was a consiracy against her had become, like all prophesies, self-fulfilling.
She made no more mention of our attire but I'm sure I saw the beginnings of a nervous twitch in her right eye.
18 September 2006
Monday - The Food Chain
"Who's doing the stats now that Sue's gone?" Jez asked me while leaning over my shoulder in that overbearing friendly way of his that brought to mind bears and picnic hampers.
How should I know? Why did he think this was my responsibility? Sue had been in his team, surely hers tasks were his to delegate.
Fatally I told him I'd ask Anne.
"Anne said that you were looking after it," Jez replied.
Fortunately my memory recall is good. Orders can often get lost in the fog of work.
"I was asked to provide a list of Sue's tasks. Twice. By Anne and Gary. Which I gave them. That was all. I wasn't asked to do anything with them."
By the time I got back to Anne to clarify my objective just to make sure that I was supposed to be delegating this task, something or someone had already got to her because the very mention of Sue's name was enough to send her into an apoplectic seizure.
"Its quite simple! Just choose a member of staff and ask them to record the stats. That's why I am a Manager and why you are where you are. And you're staying that way too," Anne said.
There's nothing like management motivational techniques to get me going.
How should I know? Why did he think this was my responsibility? Sue had been in his team, surely hers tasks were his to delegate.
Fatally I told him I'd ask Anne.
"Anne said that you were looking after it," Jez replied.
Fortunately my memory recall is good. Orders can often get lost in the fog of work.
"I was asked to provide a list of Sue's tasks. Twice. By Anne and Gary. Which I gave them. That was all. I wasn't asked to do anything with them."
By the time I got back to Anne to clarify my objective just to make sure that I was supposed to be delegating this task, something or someone had already got to her because the very mention of Sue's name was enough to send her into an apoplectic seizure.
"Its quite simple! Just choose a member of staff and ask them to record the stats. That's why I am a Manager and why you are where you are. And you're staying that way too," Anne said.
There's nothing like management motivational techniques to get me going.
15 September 2006
Friday - Style Council
Anne made it very clear today that she did not like the crew-collared earthy-hued jumpers that everyone is wearing at the moment. Emerging bear like from her cave to ask Gary to get her some drinks, she worryingly claimed that it was some sort of conspiracy against her. Anne I might add, was still in her usual black smock that in a previous life had hosted a trapeze act and performing elephants.
"Its not a conspiracy," Dan said. "Its just fashion."
Next week, for dress down day, everyone is going to wear a green coloured top. I've already pressed mine.
"Its not a conspiracy," Dan said. "Its just fashion."
Next week, for dress down day, everyone is going to wear a green coloured top. I've already pressed mine.
14 September 2006
Thursday - Conspiracy Theory
Gareth's being paranoid again. Several times today he's claimed that the reason the company is cracking down on absenteeism is to find reasons to sack people so that they don't have to pay out as much on redundancy when they make us all redundant. Which Gareth claims is imminent.
He's also told Ted that he should be worried as the new age discrimination laws come in soon and the company may decide to retire him before he can sue.
I challenged him immediately on this.
"So why would the CEO tell you all of this instead of his department heads and managers?"
Gareth shuffled off with his tail between his legs.
I may think the company is a lot of things, but I don't believe in this amoral corporate entity. It's too ineffective for that. I think that people judge others by their own standards.
Later Jo booked Friday afternoon off. Her fifteenth this year. She has to prepare for her weekend on the town. Unfortunately Anne noticed. She's already made comment of the fact that she doesn't like staff taking odd days here and there.
"The staff handbook says that staff should take a least one two week holiday a year," She said.
"Because it insists on staff having a full break to recharge," I said.
"No. It's actually so that we can find out if anyone is defrauding the company. You can check what people are up to when they've been off for a long time. Staff who are committing fraud usually don't take any time off to cover their tracks. My source in HR told me this."
"Really? " I said. "HR told you that?"
"Yes. " Anne said.
"HR told you that this is recommended in the staff handbook to cut down on fraud?"
"Yes," she said again. "But not openly. Not as such. But I can read between the lines. I know what they really meant." Anne said with a sly nudge.
He's also told Ted that he should be worried as the new age discrimination laws come in soon and the company may decide to retire him before he can sue.
I challenged him immediately on this.
"So why would the CEO tell you all of this instead of his department heads and managers?"
Gareth shuffled off with his tail between his legs.
I may think the company is a lot of things, but I don't believe in this amoral corporate entity. It's too ineffective for that. I think that people judge others by their own standards.
Later Jo booked Friday afternoon off. Her fifteenth this year. She has to prepare for her weekend on the town. Unfortunately Anne noticed. She's already made comment of the fact that she doesn't like staff taking odd days here and there.
"The staff handbook says that staff should take a least one two week holiday a year," She said.
"Because it insists on staff having a full break to recharge," I said.
"No. It's actually so that we can find out if anyone is defrauding the company. You can check what people are up to when they've been off for a long time. Staff who are committing fraud usually don't take any time off to cover their tracks. My source in HR told me this."
"Really? " I said. "HR told you that?"
"Yes. " Anne said.
"HR told you that this is recommended in the staff handbook to cut down on fraud?"
"Yes," she said again. "But not openly. Not as such. But I can read between the lines. I know what they really meant." Anne said with a sly nudge.
Wednesday - A Farewell to Arms
The conversations the team has!
Ted had watched 'Touching the Void' the other night and took delight in telling the team every gruesome detail. This led Gareth to recount the news item from a while back about the climber who'd trapped his arm under a rock and had then hacked it off using a penknife to escape.
The team was split into those who would be able to do the same and those who just couldn't do it. There was then some debate as to what people would be willing to lose - apparently, little toes score very lowly as bodily parts.
"What appendages would you cut off to avoid death?" Dan asked Jez when he wandered into the vicinity.
"Any of yours," was Jez's reply.
Ted had watched 'Touching the Void' the other night and took delight in telling the team every gruesome detail. This led Gareth to recount the news item from a while back about the climber who'd trapped his arm under a rock and had then hacked it off using a penknife to escape.
The team was split into those who would be able to do the same and those who just couldn't do it. There was then some debate as to what people would be willing to lose - apparently, little toes score very lowly as bodily parts.
"What appendages would you cut off to avoid death?" Dan asked Jez when he wandered into the vicinity.
"Any of yours," was Jez's reply.
11 September 2006
Monday - The 'M' word
Dan's smelly stalker has left the building after one very honest phone call to the Agency. The girl on the end of the line seemed resigned to the fact that Sue was incapable of keeping hold of temporary work with an indefinite finish date.
I told her that "She wasn't really suited to our working environment."
The agency girl just sighed and said "Did you have to talk to her about her hygiene? I keep telling her about this."
I've now provided Anne with a list of Sue's duties as she requested in readiness for the next temp to stand before the firing line. That didn't stop Gary - now officially signed to PROJECTS - from approaching me while he crossed the last of his Customer Service Team tasks from his 'to do list' to request the same information for Anne. I politely explained that I'd already emailed this information to her, to which Gary suggested that I give it to him again just in case.
After giving him the info (again) we chatted about his new role.
He is now a New Markets Business Project Manager.
How easily the M word is thrown at job titles. All my friends are managers of various degrees. Even the man who cleans the toilets is referred to in his job description as Bathroom Hygiene Manager.
Its strange how something as superficial and meaningless as the semantics of a title can mean so much to people. If only the Peasants in the Wat Tyler Revolt had been given the job description of 'Earth Production Managers' then maybe history would have been slightly different.
Anne, of course believes the opposite, and is keen to make sure that our staff have titles that accurately reflect their lowly status in the food chain.
I told her that "She wasn't really suited to our working environment."
The agency girl just sighed and said "Did you have to talk to her about her hygiene? I keep telling her about this."
I've now provided Anne with a list of Sue's duties as she requested in readiness for the next temp to stand before the firing line. That didn't stop Gary - now officially signed to PROJECTS - from approaching me while he crossed the last of his Customer Service Team tasks from his 'to do list' to request the same information for Anne. I politely explained that I'd already emailed this information to her, to which Gary suggested that I give it to him again just in case.
After giving him the info (again) we chatted about his new role.
He is now a New Markets Business Project Manager.
How easily the M word is thrown at job titles. All my friends are managers of various degrees. Even the man who cleans the toilets is referred to in his job description as Bathroom Hygiene Manager.
Its strange how something as superficial and meaningless as the semantics of a title can mean so much to people. If only the Peasants in the Wat Tyler Revolt had been given the job description of 'Earth Production Managers' then maybe history would have been slightly different.
Anne, of course believes the opposite, and is keen to make sure that our staff have titles that accurately reflect their lowly status in the food chain.
05 September 2006
Tuesday - Women Scorned
Kate sat with Jo at lunchtime and helped her to trawl through Jo's drawer of celebrity gossip magazines for cheating liars. Every paparazzi'd photo of male stardom was categorised either as a Bastard, Prat or 'probably up to something, just hasn't been caught yet'. A month ago they would have been drooling over Jude Law, David Beckham and Ewan MacGregor - now the stars faced the unflinching judicial scrutiny of Dave's cast offs. How unforgiving the memory of women.
"Of course it it had been the other way around , it would have still been the man's fault," I said standing up for my gender where Dan, Ted and Gareth wouldn't dare.
They just flicked me a look that would have had Medusa green with envy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anne has had enough of Sue the Smelly Temp with a Dan fixation. She's called the agency and told them that her services are no longer required and then asked me for a list of her daily tasks so that we can cover her work when she goes. I handed her the full roster of Sue's duties.
"Is that it? That's all she does? Are you sure you haven't missed anything? You are a man after all. I would expect it," She said in a condescending way that was her idea of a joke.
"You woman are all the same," I said in a playful mood. "Always generalising!"
Anne cast me a stoney look that clearly indicated I'd just stepped over the line.
I can't wait to get home to the gf tonight!
"Of course it it had been the other way around , it would have still been the man's fault," I said standing up for my gender where Dan, Ted and Gareth wouldn't dare.
They just flicked me a look that would have had Medusa green with envy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anne has had enough of Sue the Smelly Temp with a Dan fixation. She's called the agency and told them that her services are no longer required and then asked me for a list of her daily tasks so that we can cover her work when she goes. I handed her the full roster of Sue's duties.
"Is that it? That's all she does? Are you sure you haven't missed anything? You are a man after all. I would expect it," She said in a condescending way that was her idea of a joke.
"You woman are all the same," I said in a playful mood. "Always generalising!"
Anne cast me a stoney look that clearly indicated I'd just stepped over the line.
I can't wait to get home to the gf tonight!
04 September 2006
Monday - Dissent in the Ranks
Gareth's become very agressive lately. I held a long overdue team meeting today to hammer home to the team Anne's usual points of contention. Whereas before timesheets had too much detail, now she finds that there isn't enough information on them.
"I don't see why we have to complete timesheets. Does Anne have to fill in a timesheet when she works?" said Gareth.
Anne's reply to her team leaders would have simply been- I'm the manager. I don't need to justify my time to you. - but I couldn't have told the team less I risk being strung up from the aircon.
"The timesheets are needed to measure quantifiable workflow processes. Anne's role is to oversee processes and identify best working practices. You couldn't really measure her work with a timesheet," I told the team. I felt quite pleased with my snappy on-the-spot response.
"I still don't see why she can't complete a time sheet. She could have a section for shouting a people. One for making people feel small and insignificant." Gareth continued unwilling to submit.
"Another one for name dropping board members as if they were her best friends in phone conversations to other department heads," Added Jo in an uncharacteristically accurate observation.
"Anne should complete a timesheet every day just as we have to," said Gareth.
"Look," I said reasonably. "The only person who could assess Anne's use of her time is Des and he hasn't asked Anne to complete a timesheet. Anne is our boss and she wants use to complete them. Until Des asks Anne to do the same, it just isn't going to happen."
The team accepted my answer.
After the meeting I pulled Kate to one side to speak to her after returning to us from Jez's team. I asked her how she felt about rejoining my bunch of misfits after a brief moment in the ascendancy of Team Jez. I almost apologised to her.
"No. It's okay," Kate said. "Jez is alright but they don't get much work done," she said.
It was all I could do to stop myself from pumping my fist Tim Henman style. I was on a roll.
"I don't see why we have to complete timesheets. Does Anne have to fill in a timesheet when she works?" said Gareth.
Anne's reply to her team leaders would have simply been- I'm the manager. I don't need to justify my time to you. - but I couldn't have told the team less I risk being strung up from the aircon.
"The timesheets are needed to measure quantifiable workflow processes. Anne's role is to oversee processes and identify best working practices. You couldn't really measure her work with a timesheet," I told the team. I felt quite pleased with my snappy on-the-spot response.
"I still don't see why she can't complete a time sheet. She could have a section for shouting a people. One for making people feel small and insignificant." Gareth continued unwilling to submit.
"Another one for name dropping board members as if they were her best friends in phone conversations to other department heads," Added Jo in an uncharacteristically accurate observation.
"Anne should complete a timesheet every day just as we have to," said Gareth.
"Look," I said reasonably. "The only person who could assess Anne's use of her time is Des and he hasn't asked Anne to complete a timesheet. Anne is our boss and she wants use to complete them. Until Des asks Anne to do the same, it just isn't going to happen."
The team accepted my answer.
After the meeting I pulled Kate to one side to speak to her after returning to us from Jez's team. I asked her how she felt about rejoining my bunch of misfits after a brief moment in the ascendancy of Team Jez. I almost apologised to her.
"No. It's okay," Kate said. "Jez is alright but they don't get much work done," she said.
It was all I could do to stop myself from pumping my fist Tim Henman style. I was on a roll.
03 September 2006
New Look Site!
At last I've got around to rejigging the site, I hope you enjoy the 'new bluey-ish look'.
I've also taken the opportunity to add in some links that you may find interesting/relevant/funny. If it's your first time here then please make use of the Induction Course - the blog won't make sense otherwise!
If you're here looking for a different kind of slavery - and you know who you are - please hit that back button immediately!
I've also taken the opportunity to add in some links that you may find interesting/relevant/funny. If it's your first time here then please make use of the Induction Course - the blog won't make sense otherwise!
If you're here looking for a different kind of slavery - and you know who you are - please hit that back button immediately!
01 September 2006
Friday - Control Freak
Gary's been moved to Projects! Projects with a capital 'P'. This is bad news for Gary, although the emailed announcement puts the usual positive spin on the news about it being a transfer to utilise his knowledge and expertise, everyone really knows that a move to Projects is just a sideways shuffle closer to the exit. Already Anne is making noises about getting an new Assistant Manager in to replace him. Experience tells me we'll be collecting for Gary's leaving card soon. On the upside, Kate is coming back into my team, although I don't know how she will view this as she's been holidaying in Camp Jez for the past few weeks. I'll await her reaction.
Anne was moaning about the standard of clothing for dress-down Friday. She's now drawn up a list of 'guidelines' for us to issue to the workers. They are;
1) Jeans can be worn but must not have any holes, slashes or large textual designs.
2) Men must wear smart casual attire. eg Polo-shirts, tailored shirts with collars.
3) Women must wear clothing that covers the upper arms and must not show an excessive amount of flesh ie: cleavage.
4) There can be absolutely no: trainers, baseball caps, hoodies, shorts, crop tops, miniskirts, flip-flops or leggings.
The upshot of this now is that dress-down Friday is just a normal day with jeans.
Once started, Anne couldn't stop and inspired by her dress-down dress code she posted an email with more 'house-rules'. It continued,
1) Staff can only have one personal photograph on their desk.
2) Staff can no longer use their mobile phones in the canteen.
Gareth cut out some pictures of the CEO and pasted them over his workstation in response.
"Why can't we use our mobile phones in the canteen?" Jo complained. "Anne uses her mobile all the time in the office."
"That's because Anne has a company mobile," I told her repeating corporate mantra. "She only takes work related calls and you make calls to find out what time your mates will be at Yates' Wine Lodge."
Anne was moaning about the standard of clothing for dress-down Friday. She's now drawn up a list of 'guidelines' for us to issue to the workers. They are;
1) Jeans can be worn but must not have any holes, slashes or large textual designs.
2) Men must wear smart casual attire. eg Polo-shirts, tailored shirts with collars.
3) Women must wear clothing that covers the upper arms and must not show an excessive amount of flesh ie: cleavage.
4) There can be absolutely no: trainers, baseball caps, hoodies, shorts, crop tops, miniskirts, flip-flops or leggings.
The upshot of this now is that dress-down Friday is just a normal day with jeans.
Once started, Anne couldn't stop and inspired by her dress-down dress code she posted an email with more 'house-rules'. It continued,
1) Staff can only have one personal photograph on their desk.
2) Staff can no longer use their mobile phones in the canteen.
Gareth cut out some pictures of the CEO and pasted them over his workstation in response.
"Why can't we use our mobile phones in the canteen?" Jo complained. "Anne uses her mobile all the time in the office."
"That's because Anne has a company mobile," I told her repeating corporate mantra. "She only takes work related calls and you make calls to find out what time your mates will be at Yates' Wine Lodge."
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