One of the most important discoveries of quantum physics, is that it is nigh on impossible to measure particles, because the very act of measuring them - be they electrons or photons - changes them and skews your result. You can never truly know what a particle is doing before you measured it. This makes the act of measuring it pointless.
The same theory could be applied to business. The intention is meant well enough. The big bosses sit around in their ivory towers and I imagine that the discussion will go something like this;
Big boss 1: So, how can we increase our sales? Our shares are looking decidely peaky and I just put an order in on my new olympic sized swimming pool.
Big Boss 2: We need something to incentivise the staff. I have it. Why don't we encourage them to sell more products by - and get this - giving them a bonus when they achieve a pre-defined number of sales!
Big Boss 1: By George. You have it. This way our staff will sell more policies. Sod buying an olympic sized swimming pool. We could buy Lake Windermere!
Big Boss 2: Of course we'd need to measure how many products the staff were selling so that we know who should get the bonuses.
Big Boss 1: Not a problem. Now, Where are my speedos?
And so you get the gist. Now the intention is good. But what happens when staff are targeted on any objective? What will they focus on doing in their job. Something that'll give them a bit extra in their pay packet or something that'll get the job done right?
They'll do what they can to hit their targets. And if this means selling a life insurance policy to a terminally-ill arthritic nun then what do you think is going to happen? And who do you think has to pick up the pieces further down the line when complaints are made because the policy isn't really fit for the purpose for which it was sold.
Of course sometimes the Big Bosses take notice of what the little people are saying:
BB1: Great idea about the sales bonuses. Shame about the nun. Very messy. But why don't we provide a bonus to all staff who don't sell policies to nun's....
and on and on and on it goes - ad infinitum.
25 April 2006
24 April 2006
Monday - Kate goes over to the Dark Side
Kate has made herself at home in Jez's team. The air that 'she's one of us now' emanates smugly from his pack of coyotes. Call me paranoid but I can feel my one time ally beginning to switch allegiance.
Anne was late in today but she seemed to be in a surprisingly good mood. "Hello Luke. How are you?" she beamed at me in a way that had me looking aroudn to see if another Luke was behind me. "Ok, thanks." I said in a non-commital way.
Later, Gary pulled me to one side. "Anne said that you were extremely negative this morning when she said hello to you," I didn't know what to say. Ok. So I didn't jump up and down clapping my hands. I was busy. I had work to do. I'm a team leader not a game show presenter on speed. "I just said I was ok," I told him.
"Well she isn't too happy about it. You haven't done yourself any favours. Be more positive next time," Gary said.
This afternoon I sounded Ted out as a potential second to replace Kate. He thanked me but wasn't interested. He didn't want any responsibility. In his words, he'd been there, done that and bought the extortionately-priced limited-edition tea towel from the gift shop. I told him what had happened earlier. "Surely its more important to do a good job than to be an empty suit with a vacant smile," I said.
Ted just smiled and patted me on the shoulder. "Of course it is," he said. But his smile seemed to indicate that he was humouring me.
Anne was late in today but she seemed to be in a surprisingly good mood. "Hello Luke. How are you?" she beamed at me in a way that had me looking aroudn to see if another Luke was behind me. "Ok, thanks." I said in a non-commital way.
Later, Gary pulled me to one side. "Anne said that you were extremely negative this morning when she said hello to you," I didn't know what to say. Ok. So I didn't jump up and down clapping my hands. I was busy. I had work to do. I'm a team leader not a game show presenter on speed. "I just said I was ok," I told him.
"Well she isn't too happy about it. You haven't done yourself any favours. Be more positive next time," Gary said.
This afternoon I sounded Ted out as a potential second to replace Kate. He thanked me but wasn't interested. He didn't want any responsibility. In his words, he'd been there, done that and bought the extortionately-priced limited-edition tea towel from the gift shop. I told him what had happened earlier. "Surely its more important to do a good job than to be an empty suit with a vacant smile," I said.
Ted just smiled and patted me on the shoulder. "Of course it is," he said. But his smile seemed to indicate that he was humouring me.
21 April 2006
Friday - Bogged Down by Detail
It was Kate's last day in the team. She was clearing her desk ready for the move across to Yez when I noticed the post-it note on her monitor which she'd scrawled the word - 'Bum!'
'It's just so I don't forget my diet,' she explained. 'The vending machine is far too close,'
Gareth arrived in the pod. 'Alright, Butt,' he said to Dan.
'Alright but what?' was Dan's response.
'No not alright but - Alright, Butt.' Gareth explained slowly.
'Yes. But Alright but what?'
'Alright, Butt. Not but. Butt' He said in a thick Welsh valleys accent that draped his vowels over his tongue like a German's beach towel on a sun lounger.
'But what? What follows but?' exclaimed Dan in frustration.
It went on like that for the rest of the day. I think it might be a Welsh thing. Maybe I'll ask Gareth about it when I'm not so sober and he is. If anyone wants to email to explain then please do so and put me out of my misery.
Every day I plan my to do list, recording the number of Quality Checks I'll carry out, factor in some time for queries, and that is pretty much my day covered. Today as always, the total number of QC's performed by the end of play was nil.
The first distraction, AS wanted some information on a complaint that had been escalated to her.
Then midway through collating that Gary called another of his favoured impromptu meetings to discuss call figures.
AS then asked for input on sickness records, even though I hadn't finished the first piece of work that she'd added to my 'to do list' and I found myself wasting another hour in a meeting instead of doing my day job.
When I'd got out Jez had emailed me to ask that I clear Kate's backlogs prior to her move into his team.
I was so proud of myself. Using my finely tuned time management skills, I responded to Jez and managed his expectations by explaining that I did not have the time available to do that right now as I had work to complete for Anne. All I got in reply was a curt email back explaining why I had to do this and why I should drop everything else in order to complete it. Everyone within the three levels above me was copied in.
To top it off, at the end of the day AS escaped from her cave.
'Can you tell me how many QC's you've carried out today?' She blurted out across the room before she'd even got to my desk.
I feebly tried to explain to her how the other work that she'd offloaded on me had had a negative impact upon my core duty efficiency.
'Don't give me excuses. How many have you done,' She said bluntly.
I told her.
She looked displeased. 'You know what you need,' She said. 'I'm going to arrange a time management course for you,'
'It's just so I don't forget my diet,' she explained. 'The vending machine is far too close,'
Gareth arrived in the pod. 'Alright, Butt,' he said to Dan.
'Alright but what?' was Dan's response.
'No not alright but - Alright, Butt.' Gareth explained slowly.
'Yes. But Alright but what?'
'Alright, Butt. Not but. Butt' He said in a thick Welsh valleys accent that draped his vowels over his tongue like a German's beach towel on a sun lounger.
'But what? What follows but?' exclaimed Dan in frustration.
It went on like that for the rest of the day. I think it might be a Welsh thing. Maybe I'll ask Gareth about it when I'm not so sober and he is. If anyone wants to email to explain then please do so and put me out of my misery.
Every day I plan my to do list, recording the number of Quality Checks I'll carry out, factor in some time for queries, and that is pretty much my day covered. Today as always, the total number of QC's performed by the end of play was nil.
The first distraction, AS wanted some information on a complaint that had been escalated to her.
Then midway through collating that Gary called another of his favoured impromptu meetings to discuss call figures.
AS then asked for input on sickness records, even though I hadn't finished the first piece of work that she'd added to my 'to do list' and I found myself wasting another hour in a meeting instead of doing my day job.
When I'd got out Jez had emailed me to ask that I clear Kate's backlogs prior to her move into his team.
I was so proud of myself. Using my finely tuned time management skills, I responded to Jez and managed his expectations by explaining that I did not have the time available to do that right now as I had work to complete for Anne. All I got in reply was a curt email back explaining why I had to do this and why I should drop everything else in order to complete it. Everyone within the three levels above me was copied in.
To top it off, at the end of the day AS escaped from her cave.
'Can you tell me how many QC's you've carried out today?' She blurted out across the room before she'd even got to my desk.
I feebly tried to explain to her how the other work that she'd offloaded on me had had a negative impact upon my core duty efficiency.
'Don't give me excuses. How many have you done,' She said bluntly.
I told her.
She looked displeased. 'You know what you need,' She said. 'I'm going to arrange a time management course for you,'
20 April 2006
Thursday - Chirpy cockney geezer
It was time to feedback Anne's comments on the timesheets. Difficult to do when no-one really knew what her issue was. All we understood was that she didn't want the information we provided even though it was what she'd originally asked for. But that was the way of Anne - a menopausal dinosaur of a woman - bending the world so that it fit her interpretation of it.
Yez has a new temp in his team, Dave, and like Emma before him, he spends all of his time in our pod. Not scratching around for work but sniffing around Jo, which has really put Dan's nose out of joint. The temp is from Harrow and he seems to be a real-live caricature of a chirpy, cockney geezer.
"He calls me the 'company man', Dan the 'Monkeyboy' and Jo, 'Tiger'. When we take offence he then brazenly insists that its all 'just a bit of ban'urr' losing his T's at some point around the M25 .
We just call him the git in return. Which he seems to take personally.
Yez has a new temp in his team, Dave, and like Emma before him, he spends all of his time in our pod. Not scratching around for work but sniffing around Jo, which has really put Dan's nose out of joint. The temp is from Harrow and he seems to be a real-live caricature of a chirpy, cockney geezer.
"He calls me the 'company man', Dan the 'Monkeyboy' and Jo, 'Tiger'. When we take offence he then brazenly insists that its all 'just a bit of ban'urr' losing his T's at some point around the M25 .
We just call him the git in return. Which he seems to take personally.
19 April 2006
Wednesday - Time Management
A storm broke out over the office today. I was in early and as the team arrived they picked up on the tension brewing in much the same way that animals fall silent just before a heavy thunderstorm.
Then at 10:14 AM, the negative ions zipping around the department broke and Anne exploded at Gary's desk.
'We're going to need to do something about these timesheets. They're crap! I can't see from them what we're spending our time on!' she complained to Gary. Her speech was a verbal form of finger jabbing, each word poking him hard in the eye.
The team carried on grazing at their intrays, looking uneasy and not saying a word in case Anne's lightning found them her target.
When she'd finished Gary called an impromtu meeting to discuss the issue of the time sheets. I'm starting to change my mind about Gary. I don't think he's a bad guy after all and most of the time he has a look about him that seems to suggest he was duped into taking this job. Jez lived up to his nickname of Yez. So called, because he was such a Yes man that it was a wonder he didn't burst into a rendition of prog rock hits from the seventies.
Gary told us that Anne didn't like the way the time sheets were being completed. He picked one up off the pile that Anne had scrawled on in angry green pen, in much the same way that a thug of a toddler would scrawl over someone elses carefully coloured drawings. I spotted Ted's name on it.
'This one for instance. It has 5 minutes on a phone call. 10 minutes on a letter. Another 5 minutes on discussing an endowment policy with the underwriters. And then at the end of this, an entry at the end here, for 10 minutes - filling in time sheet!'
Gary was serious. Tracey and I surpressed a laugh.
'Anne's not very happy about the way these timesheets are being completed,' Gary continued.
'But that's the way it is. That's what they do. The executives will be in the middle of something when they'll get another piece of work given to them. It's an accurate reflection of how their day is broken up,' I told Gary. 'They've not been told how to complete these timesheets. They've just been given them and told to get on with them,'
'I think that what Anne wants is...' began Gary.
'What do you mean you think? You either know or you don't know. If Anne wants these completed in a certain way then she needs to tell us what it is exactly that she wants. Not go ranting and raving about them to you and leave you none the wiser.' I said. I wasn't having a go at Gary. It wasn't his fault. He was merely Anne's stooge.
'Could we set up a spreadsheet?' was Tracey's offering.
'Don't worry,' said Jez seizing another opportunity to make a name for himself. 'I'll ask Anne if she can organise a workshop for you all,' He said with a winking that said he was coming to the rescue again.
Then at 10:14 AM, the negative ions zipping around the department broke and Anne exploded at Gary's desk.
'We're going to need to do something about these timesheets. They're crap! I can't see from them what we're spending our time on!' she complained to Gary. Her speech was a verbal form of finger jabbing, each word poking him hard in the eye.
The team carried on grazing at their intrays, looking uneasy and not saying a word in case Anne's lightning found them her target.
When she'd finished Gary called an impromtu meeting to discuss the issue of the time sheets. I'm starting to change my mind about Gary. I don't think he's a bad guy after all and most of the time he has a look about him that seems to suggest he was duped into taking this job. Jez lived up to his nickname of Yez. So called, because he was such a Yes man that it was a wonder he didn't burst into a rendition of prog rock hits from the seventies.
Gary told us that Anne didn't like the way the time sheets were being completed. He picked one up off the pile that Anne had scrawled on in angry green pen, in much the same way that a thug of a toddler would scrawl over someone elses carefully coloured drawings. I spotted Ted's name on it.
'This one for instance. It has 5 minutes on a phone call. 10 minutes on a letter. Another 5 minutes on discussing an endowment policy with the underwriters. And then at the end of this, an entry at the end here, for 10 minutes - filling in time sheet!'
Gary was serious. Tracey and I surpressed a laugh.
'Anne's not very happy about the way these timesheets are being completed,' Gary continued.
'But that's the way it is. That's what they do. The executives will be in the middle of something when they'll get another piece of work given to them. It's an accurate reflection of how their day is broken up,' I told Gary. 'They've not been told how to complete these timesheets. They've just been given them and told to get on with them,'
'I think that what Anne wants is...' began Gary.
'What do you mean you think? You either know or you don't know. If Anne wants these completed in a certain way then she needs to tell us what it is exactly that she wants. Not go ranting and raving about them to you and leave you none the wiser.' I said. I wasn't having a go at Gary. It wasn't his fault. He was merely Anne's stooge.
'Could we set up a spreadsheet?' was Tracey's offering.
'Don't worry,' said Jez seizing another opportunity to make a name for himself. 'I'll ask Anne if she can organise a workshop for you all,' He said with a winking that said he was coming to the rescue again.
18 April 2006
Tuesday - No 'I' in Team
Back to work after the long Easter weekend. The main topics of conversation from the team were - in order of the amount of distress they caused -
the fact that Kate's new diet was ruined by the copious amounts of chocolate she'd consumed on Sunday.
Dan - a lifelong Spurs fan bemoaning the loss to Man United.
The new series of 'Doctor Who'. According to Ted it will never be as good as the William Hartnell era.
Still after the chatter, the team got busily to work. The phones began to ring and faxes and letters were deposited into intrays. I was pleased with their professionalism. It was such a shame that I had to lose Kate from the team.
I took her to one side and explained that she was going to be working for Jez. Her eyes started to water. She appeared distant.
'Are you all right with that?' I said, while guiltily hoping that she wasn't.
'Yes. Yes. I'm fine. I just had a bit of an argument with my boyfriend at the weekend,' she answered.
We returned to the pod deciding that I would have to keep an eye on her in case this piece of news was going to affect her as well. She seemed to keep her chin up for the rest of the day apart from one lengthy and very heated phone call to the said boyfriend.
One of Jez's team - Steve, wandered over as I sat down. 'Mr Ash called. He's not very happy. He wanted to speak to a supervisor in your team but you weren't around. He's going to make a complaint.' He said smugly.
'I was in a meeting. Couldn't Jez have dealt with it?'
'We can't keep sorting out all of your crap. We wouldn't get any time to do our own work,' Steve said and he returned to Jez's team.
'He said we were rubbish when you were in your meeting,' added Gareth as I thumbed the curtly written note in my hand. 'He said that they're taking Kate because only the top people work in Jez's team.'
'Don't listen to anything Steve says.' I told Gareth and then I meandered over to Jez and informed him that Kate couldn't transfer until the end of the week.
'You're just not a team player,' was Jez's response.
the fact that Kate's new diet was ruined by the copious amounts of chocolate she'd consumed on Sunday.
Dan - a lifelong Spurs fan bemoaning the loss to Man United.
The new series of 'Doctor Who'. According to Ted it will never be as good as the William Hartnell era.
Still after the chatter, the team got busily to work. The phones began to ring and faxes and letters were deposited into intrays. I was pleased with their professionalism. It was such a shame that I had to lose Kate from the team.
I took her to one side and explained that she was going to be working for Jez. Her eyes started to water. She appeared distant.
'Are you all right with that?' I said, while guiltily hoping that she wasn't.
'Yes. Yes. I'm fine. I just had a bit of an argument with my boyfriend at the weekend,' she answered.
We returned to the pod deciding that I would have to keep an eye on her in case this piece of news was going to affect her as well. She seemed to keep her chin up for the rest of the day apart from one lengthy and very heated phone call to the said boyfriend.
One of Jez's team - Steve, wandered over as I sat down. 'Mr Ash called. He's not very happy. He wanted to speak to a supervisor in your team but you weren't around. He's going to make a complaint.' He said smugly.
'I was in a meeting. Couldn't Jez have dealt with it?'
'We can't keep sorting out all of your crap. We wouldn't get any time to do our own work,' Steve said and he returned to Jez's team.
'He said we were rubbish when you were in your meeting,' added Gareth as I thumbed the curtly written note in my hand. 'He said that they're taking Kate because only the top people work in Jez's team.'
'Don't listen to anything Steve says.' I told Gareth and then I meandered over to Jez and informed him that Kate couldn't transfer until the end of the week.
'You're just not a team player,' was Jez's response.
13 April 2006
Thursday - Throne rooms
Thank god it's the bank holiday weekend. I've got 4 days off yet already I'm starting to dread that Monday morning feeling.
It looks like Gary's been a bit put out by the size of Jez's throne room. Only Anne has a bigger one and there's a bit of a 'Civilisation' style battle for territory going on at the moment. Gary's defensive tactic has been to add some pedestals to his domain as all the free desks have been commandeered by Jez in his battle for office supremacy. Even Anne has added an extra filing cabinet to her cave to keep the lead in distance.
The new buzz-phrase this week has been 'improving customer experience' and as part of the 'Shooting you up the Arse' strategy this has meant getting the executives to log every minute of their work on a printed word document. The other brilliant idea has been a staff reshuffle. We knew that this has been on the cards as AS has been ranting about it for weeks but has never instructed anyone to do it.
Jez had sloped off with Gary and I tracked them down in Meeting Room 2. They were both planning the department reshuffle alone.
"Surely I need to be involved as well," I told them when I found them. "Jez is a team leader. I am too. Surely I should have some say in what happens?"
They looked at each other, complicit in their plans but caught in the act. They motioned for me to join them. I took a seat at the table and then remembered: "Tracey needs to be part of this as well," They sighed as I got her to join us.
They'd already made a quite a start on the plan before their discovery and already it had appeared that Jez was building his own supersized empire of wonder-executives leaving Tracey and me with the remaining dribbles of the department. After much debate both Tracey and I clawed back some balance across the teams and we took our plans up to Anne.
She mulled over the proposal for a second before crossing through the entire plan with a sweep of her pen.
"Kate goes to Jez. That's all we need for now," was all she said.
It looks like Gary's been a bit put out by the size of Jez's throne room. Only Anne has a bigger one and there's a bit of a 'Civilisation' style battle for territory going on at the moment. Gary's defensive tactic has been to add some pedestals to his domain as all the free desks have been commandeered by Jez in his battle for office supremacy. Even Anne has added an extra filing cabinet to her cave to keep the lead in distance.
The new buzz-phrase this week has been 'improving customer experience' and as part of the 'Shooting you up the Arse' strategy this has meant getting the executives to log every minute of their work on a printed word document. The other brilliant idea has been a staff reshuffle. We knew that this has been on the cards as AS has been ranting about it for weeks but has never instructed anyone to do it.
Jez had sloped off with Gary and I tracked them down in Meeting Room 2. They were both planning the department reshuffle alone.
"Surely I need to be involved as well," I told them when I found them. "Jez is a team leader. I am too. Surely I should have some say in what happens?"
They looked at each other, complicit in their plans but caught in the act. They motioned for me to join them. I took a seat at the table and then remembered: "Tracey needs to be part of this as well," They sighed as I got her to join us.
They'd already made a quite a start on the plan before their discovery and already it had appeared that Jez was building his own supersized empire of wonder-executives leaving Tracey and me with the remaining dribbles of the department. After much debate both Tracey and I clawed back some balance across the teams and we took our plans up to Anne.
She mulled over the proposal for a second before crossing through the entire plan with a sweep of her pen.
"Kate goes to Jez. That's all we need for now," was all she said.
12 April 2006
Wednesday - Time for Txting
I briefed the team about the new timesheets in the morning. In reality, there wasn't a lot to brief. Gary's brainwave was simply a printed word document with a table containing columns for Activity and the amount of time spent on that activity.
"Jo. Are you texting under your desk?" I asked in the middle of my explanation. Jo lifted her gaze from the dinky pink pad in her hands. "It's on vibrate," she said as way of explanation.
"That's not the point. If you're texting, then you're not paying attention and you're not working," I said. "Who would you be texting now anyway?"
Suddenly there was loud rattle from Dan's desk as his phone started to rumble its way across the surface.
"But Dan's just sat next to you," I sighed. They both looked sheepish.
"Jo. Are you texting under your desk?" I asked in the middle of my explanation. Jo lifted her gaze from the dinky pink pad in her hands. "It's on vibrate," she said as way of explanation.
"That's not the point. If you're texting, then you're not paying attention and you're not working," I said. "Who would you be texting now anyway?"
Suddenly there was loud rattle from Dan's desk as his phone started to rumble its way across the surface.
"But Dan's just sat next to you," I sighed. They both looked sheepish.
11 April 2006
Tuesday - Too big for their boots
Gareth couldn't log on to his PC today. He spent a good few minutes enduring Handel's water music before he slammed down the phone and marched upstairs to IT.
In the meantime Anne called her usual Tuesday morning meeting. Gary, the new bloke was at her side.
'I don't understand their lack of commitment,' she moaned. 'We're not clearing these backlogs and yet, by a second past 5 o'clock. Their PC's are switched off and they're out the door.'
I tried to explain that most of them were young and all they wanted to do was work their hours, and collect their paycheck so they could go out on a Friday night. This wasn't a career for them and they weren't paid enough to care too much about it. But Anne didn't comprehend. I half expected her to exclaim- 'A nightclub? What's a nightclub?' in the style of Lady Bracknell.
AS continued. 'It's our own fault for giving them the job title of Customer Service Executives. We're asking for trouble. They've all got ideas above their station and think they're more important than they are. They're too big for their own boots.'
At this point Jez, Tracey and Gary were nodding like those dogs you see in the back of cars. Gary piped up. Smiling as always. Determined to make an impression.
'I recommend that establish a way of managing the productivity of the team on a daily basis. Perhaps we need to introduce a methodology that would measure the output of each executive so that we can assess effectiveness.' He said.
Anne liked it.
'You mean a time sheet?' I said.
'That's it,' said Gary enthusiastically.
I returned to the team where Gareth was sulking. He'd gone up to IT in his usual brash manner and told them his PC wasn't working. In no uncertain terms the techie guy had said to him: 'What do you mean it's not working? What isn't working? Turn around. Walk out the door. Come back in again and then explain to me exactly what has happened,' Gareth was told.
They fixed his machine and he could log on again.
'I don't understand it,' said Gareth. 'I changed my password yesterday as it was end of month. And today I couldn't log on. Same thing happened last month as well. And the month before that. In fact it happens every month.'
'And when you logged back on this morning did you use your old password or the new one you set yesterday?' I asked him.
Gareth looked puzzled for a moment. 'Ahhh!' He said as the penny dropped.
In the meantime Anne called her usual Tuesday morning meeting. Gary, the new bloke was at her side.
'I don't understand their lack of commitment,' she moaned. 'We're not clearing these backlogs and yet, by a second past 5 o'clock. Their PC's are switched off and they're out the door.'
I tried to explain that most of them were young and all they wanted to do was work their hours, and collect their paycheck so they could go out on a Friday night. This wasn't a career for them and they weren't paid enough to care too much about it. But Anne didn't comprehend. I half expected her to exclaim- 'A nightclub? What's a nightclub?' in the style of Lady Bracknell.
AS continued. 'It's our own fault for giving them the job title of Customer Service Executives. We're asking for trouble. They've all got ideas above their station and think they're more important than they are. They're too big for their own boots.'
At this point Jez, Tracey and Gary were nodding like those dogs you see in the back of cars. Gary piped up. Smiling as always. Determined to make an impression.
'I recommend that establish a way of managing the productivity of the team on a daily basis. Perhaps we need to introduce a methodology that would measure the output of each executive so that we can assess effectiveness.' He said.
Anne liked it.
'You mean a time sheet?' I said.
'That's it,' said Gary enthusiastically.
I returned to the team where Gareth was sulking. He'd gone up to IT in his usual brash manner and told them his PC wasn't working. In no uncertain terms the techie guy had said to him: 'What do you mean it's not working? What isn't working? Turn around. Walk out the door. Come back in again and then explain to me exactly what has happened,' Gareth was told.
They fixed his machine and he could log on again.
'I don't understand it,' said Gareth. 'I changed my password yesterday as it was end of month. And today I couldn't log on. Same thing happened last month as well. And the month before that. In fact it happens every month.'
'And when you logged back on this morning did you use your old password or the new one you set yesterday?' I asked him.
Gareth looked puzzled for a moment. 'Ahhh!' He said as the penny dropped.
10 April 2006
Monday - Mini-Anne
A train was cancelled this morning, leaving the commuters and me to squish into the next overcrowded carriage that was sent down the line. If we'd had hooves and needed shearing instead of boots and Next coats we'd have had a throng of animal rights protesters rioting outside the station. But we weren't. We were wage slaves and it was Monday morning.
Anne and Jez were already in when I arrived. He appeared to be building his own managers office from a number of unused desks. Tracey commented that he felt threatened by the new bloke. "Empire building," she said cryptically. His new throne sat in an acre of space, in the middle of his team. I looked at my own desk - buried under a pile of paperwork and merely tagged on to the end of my teams pod like an afterthought - with disappointment.
The new troubleshooter arrived. Gary was not what I expected, and not from Jo's disappointment, what she'd hoped for either. He was bald but smartly dressed. Not much older than me. He was introduced to everyone by Anne and shook my hand with a rock solid grip that was contrary to the chunky gold bracelet that dripped off it. He used sentences that lasted for weeks and included phrases like 'synergising' and 'going forward'.
"This is Luke," said Anne. "I need you to sort him out for me." She laughed out loud.
Gary beamed.
I grinned meekly.
Anne and Jez were already in when I arrived. He appeared to be building his own managers office from a number of unused desks. Tracey commented that he felt threatened by the new bloke. "Empire building," she said cryptically. His new throne sat in an acre of space, in the middle of his team. I looked at my own desk - buried under a pile of paperwork and merely tagged on to the end of my teams pod like an afterthought - with disappointment.
The new troubleshooter arrived. Gary was not what I expected, and not from Jo's disappointment, what she'd hoped for either. He was bald but smartly dressed. Not much older than me. He was introduced to everyone by Anne and shook my hand with a rock solid grip that was contrary to the chunky gold bracelet that dripped off it. He used sentences that lasted for weeks and included phrases like 'synergising' and 'going forward'.
"This is Luke," said Anne. "I need you to sort him out for me." She laughed out loud.
Gary beamed.
I grinned meekly.
08 April 2006
Friday - Jedi Master
I was determined to deal with whatever Jez and Anne threw at me today. I got in even earlier than usual and crafted the finest of 'to do lists'. If it was a work of art it would have won the Turner Prize.
I was like a demon possessed. Using all of my training, I planned my workloads and co-ordinated my schedule. It went well at first. I had the unusual experience of crossing things off the list instead of adding more things on to it. I made sure Emma was fully occupied even though she wasn't in my team to avoid a reoccurance of yesterdays events. Even when Anne called her impromptu meetings and off-loaded her 'Takes immediate priority and has to be done now' tasks on me I was able to keep up focused on the list.
I spent some time with Kate, teaching her the ways of a Jedi master.
For negative feedback, find and report back on three positives, then deliver the negative, but as a development need rather than a mistake. Avoid apportioning blame. Explain the impact of the negative on the company. Kate took it all in. I truly was her Obi Wan Kenobi. But then the dark lord intervened. 'I am fed up of paying the wages of staff who can't be bothered to do a simple days work,' Anne bellowed across the room. I was summoned and then commanded to sack Emma. I asked why Jez couldn't to do it as she was his temp. The reply was just for me to get on with it.
Collecting myself I sat down with Emma and gave her the bullet. It wasn't working out, we needed someone who was more reliable I told her.
'That's ok.' Emma said understandingly. 'I needed to work for a company that's more reliable as well. And you're being closed down in a few months,' she said.
I was like a demon possessed. Using all of my training, I planned my workloads and co-ordinated my schedule. It went well at first. I had the unusual experience of crossing things off the list instead of adding more things on to it. I made sure Emma was fully occupied even though she wasn't in my team to avoid a reoccurance of yesterdays events. Even when Anne called her impromptu meetings and off-loaded her 'Takes immediate priority and has to be done now' tasks on me I was able to keep up focused on the list.
I spent some time with Kate, teaching her the ways of a Jedi master.
For negative feedback, find and report back on three positives, then deliver the negative, but as a development need rather than a mistake. Avoid apportioning blame. Explain the impact of the negative on the company. Kate took it all in. I truly was her Obi Wan Kenobi. But then the dark lord intervened. 'I am fed up of paying the wages of staff who can't be bothered to do a simple days work,' Anne bellowed across the room. I was summoned and then commanded to sack Emma. I asked why Jez couldn't to do it as she was his temp. The reply was just for me to get on with it.
Collecting myself I sat down with Emma and gave her the bullet. It wasn't working out, we needed someone who was more reliable I told her.
'That's ok.' Emma said understandingly. 'I needed to work for a company that's more reliable as well. And you're being closed down in a few months,' she said.
06 April 2006
Thursday - Perception is Reality
Emma - Jez's temp filing clerk - asked me for work this morning. I started to explain that I wasn't her team leader but then Jez wasn't at his desk and she had nothing to do. I handed her some of Dan's long forgotten faxes. Suddenly he seemed much more interested in them.
Jez was standing in Anne's cave in conversation. He laughed with her, sharing a joke as if she were his best buddy and they were at the bar of the Squire and Bumpkin. I wandered over lazily. They both stopped their chat when they noticed me hovering at the border of her territory. Call me paranoid if you will but this made me even more suspicious.
'I've got this weeks time sheets for the temps,' I said as an excuse. AS motioned for me to deposit them on her desk.
'Jo was late in again today,' said Jez with the precision and timing of an satellite-guided smart bomb. 'She said that you knew about it. She had an appointment. Dentists or doctors I think,'
'Yes.' I lied. 'Dentists. Quarterly check up. She asked me yesterday,' I lied yet again. I would deal with Jo in my own time when they weren't around.
I'm not one to play the game but if Jez was going to serve an Ace in my direction, then I was going to bat it right back at him.
"The new temp hasn't got any work," I volleyed back to him and awaited his return.
Jez tutted and Anne rolled her eyes.
"She hasn't?" He said. "Don't worry then," He sighed. "I'LL sort it out for you. I've got some things she can be getting on with if you don't have anything.'
Anne looked on in disdain as Jez went to gather Emma up.
A little voice inside me cried out - 'But she's not my temp! She's not my responsibility!' But even in my own head no-one was listening.
Jez was standing in Anne's cave in conversation. He laughed with her, sharing a joke as if she were his best buddy and they were at the bar of the Squire and Bumpkin. I wandered over lazily. They both stopped their chat when they noticed me hovering at the border of her territory. Call me paranoid if you will but this made me even more suspicious.
'I've got this weeks time sheets for the temps,' I said as an excuse. AS motioned for me to deposit them on her desk.
'Jo was late in again today,' said Jez with the precision and timing of an satellite-guided smart bomb. 'She said that you knew about it. She had an appointment. Dentists or doctors I think,'
'Yes.' I lied. 'Dentists. Quarterly check up. She asked me yesterday,' I lied yet again. I would deal with Jo in my own time when they weren't around.
I'm not one to play the game but if Jez was going to serve an Ace in my direction, then I was going to bat it right back at him.
"The new temp hasn't got any work," I volleyed back to him and awaited his return.
Jez tutted and Anne rolled her eyes.
"She hasn't?" He said. "Don't worry then," He sighed. "I'LL sort it out for you. I've got some things she can be getting on with if you don't have anything.'
Anne looked on in disdain as Jez went to gather Emma up.
A little voice inside me cried out - 'But she's not my temp! She's not my responsibility!' But even in my own head no-one was listening.
05 April 2006
Wednesday - Rumour Control
I held my weekly team meeting today and told them about Anne's new 'troubleshooter'. I didn't expect the barrage of questions that followed.
'What will his job title be?' Kate asked.
'I don't know,'
'If he is going to be above you but under Anne. Will that make him Assistant Customer Service Manager. Or will he be Customer Service Manager and Anne become Customer Service Manager Manager?' From Dan.
'I haven't been advised of his official job title,'
'He's one of these hatchet men isn't he? He's going to be assessing our jobs so that they know who to cut,' said Gareth. 'It's P45's all round when he's finished!'
'Whatever happens will happen,' was Ted's fatalistic addition.
'Now that's just speculation. There are no plans to make anyone redundant.' I said. I felt like George to their Lenny.
Jo was quiet.
'Jo, do you have any questions about the new guy?'
She thought about this for a moment before answering.
'Is he good looking?' She said.
'What will his job title be?' Kate asked.
'I don't know,'
'If he is going to be above you but under Anne. Will that make him Assistant Customer Service Manager. Or will he be Customer Service Manager and Anne become Customer Service Manager Manager?' From Dan.
'I haven't been advised of his official job title,'
'He's one of these hatchet men isn't he? He's going to be assessing our jobs so that they know who to cut,' said Gareth. 'It's P45's all round when he's finished!'
'Whatever happens will happen,' was Ted's fatalistic addition.
'Now that's just speculation. There are no plans to make anyone redundant.' I said. I felt like George to their Lenny.
Jo was quiet.
'Jo, do you have any questions about the new guy?'
She thought about this for a moment before answering.
'Is he good looking?' She said.
04 April 2006
Tuesday - The Troubleshooter
Following Anne's day in the sunshine of Des's 'Shooting you up the Arse' strategy, she's back to her usual self today.
Her team leaders - Jez, Tracey and I are summoned to her cubicle for a quick announcement. She tells us that someone is needed to fill the gap between us and her. Jez's response is immediate. He sits up ramrod straight like a meerkat only to be picked off by Annes vulture like talons.
'I've recruited someone to take this troubleshooting role and support me. He's starting next Monday,' She says. 'I can't spend every second of my time mollycoddling you all. I've got more important things to be dealing with.'
We leave deflated, demotivated and dejected. When I return to the team, Dan and Gareth are in the middle of a water cooler stand-off. There is a pile of plastic cups the size of the EU butter mountain on their desks. Gareth's legs are juddering frantically under his desk. 'They're seeing how long they can last before they have to go to the toilet,' Jo says as explanation.
Later AS comes over to complain about Jez's new admin clerk that I showed around yesterday. 'Are you responsible for her? She has been on a personal call for 20 minutes. Sort it out. Explain the house rules to her,' Jez is nowhere to be seen so I deal with it.
'I'll be so glad when the new guy starts,' announce AS loudly when she returns to her hole.
Her team leaders - Jez, Tracey and I are summoned to her cubicle for a quick announcement. She tells us that someone is needed to fill the gap between us and her. Jez's response is immediate. He sits up ramrod straight like a meerkat only to be picked off by Annes vulture like talons.
'I've recruited someone to take this troubleshooting role and support me. He's starting next Monday,' She says. 'I can't spend every second of my time mollycoddling you all. I've got more important things to be dealing with.'
We leave deflated, demotivated and dejected. When I return to the team, Dan and Gareth are in the middle of a water cooler stand-off. There is a pile of plastic cups the size of the EU butter mountain on their desks. Gareth's legs are juddering frantically under his desk. 'They're seeing how long they can last before they have to go to the toilet,' Jo says as explanation.
Later AS comes over to complain about Jez's new admin clerk that I showed around yesterday. 'Are you responsible for her? She has been on a personal call for 20 minutes. Sort it out. Explain the house rules to her,' Jez is nowhere to be seen so I deal with it.
'I'll be so glad when the new guy starts,' announce AS loudly when she returns to her hole.
03 April 2006
Monday - Shooting for the Stars
Anne's boss, Diamond Des, has made an impromptu visit to the office. As a result AS flounced around the building as if she is Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. There are rare reports of a smile seen in the vicinity of the coffee machine and she is actually pleasant to the temps.
Meanwhile Dan, disappeared and was found loitering around reception. The reason was sitting in one of the comfy chairs that we offer to visitors, flicking idly through the corporate marketing blurb and was very, very blonde. I dragged him back to the team, resisting the urge to twist his ear like a frustrated woodwork teacher as I escorted him back and was met by Jez, my fellow team leader.
Dan's honeypot had a name - Emma, and she was supposed to be starting work in Jez's team today, but would I mind giving her the guided tour for him. I agreed. Dan was spitting blood.
I pointed out the areas of note - the toilets, the coffee machine, the cave where AS lives before depositing her at a desk in Jez's team.
The reason for Des's appearance this far from London is clear later when we were all herded into the 2nd floor boardroom. He smugly presented a flashily edited DVD about the future strategy of the company. The new corporate buzz-phrase is "Shooting for the Stars" and this explodes on screen in a display of pyrotechnic wonder. The CE is a talking head as the DVD plays. We are to become the number one provider of financial services in the UK by 2010. He spouts the stock exchange pleasing verbiage of improving efficiency and maximising profits. Aside from Kate, the team look bored. No one seems to notice that in the plan, operating costs will be reduced to 312 million from 380 and yet we will have twice as many customers. How are we going to achieve this when we struggle with the customers we have now? Des looks very pleased with himself as he appears on screen talking about 'personalising the customer experience'. At the end we all walk out. The strategy has already been renamed 'Shooting you in the Arse' by Dan. Jo giggles silently.
In a moment of uncharacteristic venom, Ted comments that they could have maximised profits 'by not wasting their money on that bloody DVD'.
Meanwhile Dan, disappeared and was found loitering around reception. The reason was sitting in one of the comfy chairs that we offer to visitors, flicking idly through the corporate marketing blurb and was very, very blonde. I dragged him back to the team, resisting the urge to twist his ear like a frustrated woodwork teacher as I escorted him back and was met by Jez, my fellow team leader.
Dan's honeypot had a name - Emma, and she was supposed to be starting work in Jez's team today, but would I mind giving her the guided tour for him. I agreed. Dan was spitting blood.
I pointed out the areas of note - the toilets, the coffee machine, the cave where AS lives before depositing her at a desk in Jez's team.
The reason for Des's appearance this far from London is clear later when we were all herded into the 2nd floor boardroom. He smugly presented a flashily edited DVD about the future strategy of the company. The new corporate buzz-phrase is "Shooting for the Stars" and this explodes on screen in a display of pyrotechnic wonder. The CE is a talking head as the DVD plays. We are to become the number one provider of financial services in the UK by 2010. He spouts the stock exchange pleasing verbiage of improving efficiency and maximising profits. Aside from Kate, the team look bored. No one seems to notice that in the plan, operating costs will be reduced to 312 million from 380 and yet we will have twice as many customers. How are we going to achieve this when we struggle with the customers we have now? Des looks very pleased with himself as he appears on screen talking about 'personalising the customer experience'. At the end we all walk out. The strategy has already been renamed 'Shooting you in the Arse' by Dan. Jo giggles silently.
In a moment of uncharacteristic venom, Ted comments that they could have maximised profits 'by not wasting their money on that bloody DVD'.
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