Monday - Shooting for the Stars

Anne's boss, Diamond Des, has made an impromptu visit to the office. As a result AS flounced around the building as if she is Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. There are rare reports of a smile seen in the vicinity of the coffee machine and she is actually pleasant to the temps.

Meanwhile Dan, disappeared and was found loitering around reception. The reason was sitting in one of the comfy chairs that we offer to visitors, flicking idly through the corporate marketing blurb and was very, very blonde. I dragged him back to the team, resisting the urge to twist his ear like a frustrated woodwork teacher as I escorted him back and was met by Jez, my fellow team leader.

Dan's honeypot had a name - Emma, and she was supposed to be starting work in Jez's team today, but would I mind giving her the guided tour for him. I agreed. Dan was spitting blood.

I pointed out the areas of note - the toilets, the coffee machine, the cave where AS lives before depositing her at a desk in Jez's team.

The reason for Des's appearance this far from London is clear later when we were all herded into the 2nd floor boardroom. He smugly presented a flashily edited DVD about the future strategy of the company. The new corporate buzz-phrase is "Shooting for the Stars" and this explodes on screen in a display of pyrotechnic wonder. The CE is a talking head as the DVD plays. We are to become the number one provider of financial services in the UK by 2010. He spouts the stock exchange pleasing verbiage of improving efficiency and maximising profits. Aside from Kate, the team look bored. No one seems to notice that in the plan, operating costs will be reduced to 312 million from 380 and yet we will have twice as many customers. How are we going to achieve this when we struggle with the customers we have now? Des looks very pleased with himself as he appears on screen talking about 'personalising the customer experience'. At the end we all walk out. The strategy has already been renamed 'Shooting you in the Arse' by Dan. Jo giggles silently.

In a moment of uncharacteristic venom, Ted comments that they could have maximised profits 'by not wasting their money on that bloody DVD'.