DO THIS NOW!

For the second time in a week I find myself blogging on stuff unrelated to my job but I make no excuses for this. More importantly this will affect you, whoever you are and wherever you are.

We only have one planet to live on and like it or not, climate change is real and it's happening. If you live in the UK you can register with I Count who are petitioning the public to email their local MP's and to put in place legislation to reduce carbon emissions.

The I Count website states:

"Together we can help stop climate chaos by cutting carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions.

We want to see a Climate Change Bill passed by Parliament which will make year-on-year cuts in CO2 a law. This has never happened before.

The idea of a Bill is backed by thousands and thousands of people across the UK, and by over half our MPs. After much campaigning the Government has responded by saying it will introduce a Bill at some point – although we don’t yet know what the wording will be.

Speed is of the essence. We want the government to include a truly effective Bill in the Queen's Speech on 15th November. And this will only happen if the government feels the heat from all 646 MPs.

That's why we're asking you to send an email to your MP. It's their job to represent you - help make sure they do."

I urge everyone of you from the UK to do this. The site will even work out who your local MP is and generate the email for you.

If you're not from the UK then please contact your local Government Representatives and start a similar campaign. We have to make a difference because no-one else is going to save our world.

We've all heard the excuses - that its no good doing it if China/America/Russia (Add the large national CO2 cuplrit of choice) doesn't, but this has to start somewhere and doing something is a million times better than doing nothing at all.

There. I've had my say. Please now have yours.

Monday - Gary Has Left the Building

Gary handed his notice in today. I think going from second-in-command to tea boy was just one kick too many.

"Don't give too much to the company," He told me when I asked him about his news. "You won't get any thanks for it."

"At least there'll now be someone to blame for everything that goes wrong for the next six months," Gareth commented in a rather insightful way once Gary had left the office.

Friday - Gareth Gets his Groove Back

I've done it. I've blogged everyday this week.

Of course I am tempted to just leave today's blog at that, but this, I think would be cheating.

It was Gareth's turn in the interview room for his performance review meeting. Anne and Jez would say that he's a mouthy and opinionated little git but I can see beyond that. He's just a very passionate person who cares about his work. Its just his approach that requires revision.

I explained that the meeting is just an open two-way discussion.

"How do you think your colleagues see you?" I began.

"With their eyes," Gareth laughs. "No only joking. Hard-working. knowledgeable. Helpful." He recalled his CV from memory.

Trying different tact I ask: "Has there been anything that has annoyed you over the year. In respect of working practices?"

Gareth chewed on this before answering. "Yeah. There's been a few things that I've not agreed with,"

"And how have you dealt with these situations?" I probed.

Gareth now looked uneasy. Not really a position I wanted him to be in.

"Ok. You may not agree with something but you have to do it at the end of the day," He said.

"So you wouldn't tell Anne that something is a 'load of bollocks and whoever thought of this is an idiot'?"

"I wouldn't say anything like that," said Gareth defensively.

"No. But you did on an email to her," I told him whilst handing him my evidence. A hardcopy of a message sent by Gareth on the 3rd of October,"

"Ah," said Gareth.

From that point on it was easier to get my point across. Gareth had to watch what he said and stop his overheated emotional outbursts. His responses to things that he didn't agree with had to measured and handled professionally. By all means question his colleagues, I didn't want him to stop that and if he could do this and stop asking every new recruit what their salary was then he'd be a little closer to the next rung of the ladder.

------------------------

I peered into Anne's cave later that afternoon.

"Have you had a chance to look at Kate's recommendations yet?" I asked cheerily.

Anne waved me away. "I'll have to look at it next week,"

Thursday - Africa Screams

Its not the place fo this blog to comment on events in the 'real world' but I have to make an exception today.

No sooner had I mused upon a method of changing society for the better and suddenly Mo Ibrahim has offered a prize to the African head of state that leaves office after providing the most benefit to their nation whilst they were in office. See the full story here.

Its a commendable act but for it to work the prize has to be worth more than the kickbacks from corrupt practice. I don't know how much you can earn from taking bribes from toxic chemical companies but I imagine it can be quite substantial.

The leaders also have to believe that they are in with a shout until the finish otherwise you'll get even greater apathy from those that do not believe they have a chance of winning.

Niger: "I'm not even going to bother with this. Kenya's a shoe-in for the prize. Now who wants these AK-47's?"

And finally Harvard University is going to assess which leader has provided the greatest improvements in Security, Health, Welfare and Education to their country. But how are they going to assess this. If we're talking about the head of state then who has overall control of the statistics they can provide? Will they be sending in Price Waterhouse Coopers to do a quick audit on their healthcare?

"So last year 300,000 were HIV positive and now you have only 2?"

"Yes,"

"And the Ebola virus?"

"We've cured it. I'll show you. Visit our hospitals. There is no-one in the wards. We have some lovely landscape gardening in the grounds. Its a bit 'hilly' but very pretty."

On the whole the idea is great. As I said earlier, I recommended it but my faith in human nature isn't that high. I've no great knowledge on Africa and I don't pretend to be but this isn't about that continent. Its about the way people are and the way that those who seek power tend to be.

If anything I'd like to see the same scheme introduced here.

What decisions would Tony Blair have made if the same prize had been available to him I wonder?

Anyway. This is enough of this diversion from the usual blog-like witterings. I apologise. I have Gareth's performance review to look forward to tomorrow and can assure you that service will be back to normal by the weekend.

Wednesday - All Systems are Go

Despite the start, Kate's performance review meeting ended a lot better than it had began. It's so much easier to incentivise someone when they are interested in what they do and want to do it well. I impressed myself with my creativity in setting Kate's objectives and I would hope that she left the meeting feeling energised and motivated.

One of Kate's bugbears was the application we use to record complaints. As a system, it was designed by real IT geeks whose concept of the term 'user friendly' is that the user doesn't swear at their system and has an indepth working knowledge of C# and SQL. I have a rudimentary knowledge which means that I'm treated with slightly less contempt than the other users.

There were a number of minor issues with the system that although are not massive, do impact on the effectiveness of users working with it. If anyone was inspired I was - Kate had motivated me to do something about them. It was an inhouse system anyway so it wasn't as if we were trying to rewrite Microsoft Windows. I asked Kate to prepare a list of 'suggested improvements' and then from this drafted a business case including cost savings.

Anne almost fell off her chair when I approached her cave with our document in hand.

"I'll look at this some point this week," Anne said.

You know. I almost feel like she just might.

Tuesday - Dan with the Plan

"So," I began in Dan's performance review meeting. "Where would you like to be in two years time?"

Dan pondered it for a second before answering; "On a beach somewhere hot, sipping a cold stella,"

"Ah," I said, slightly taken aback. "What about work?" I probed.

"No. I wouldn't be working. I would probably own a bar or something and spend all day lounging around the pool and then in the evening I would entertain young lady friends."

"Right," I said desperately trying to think of a way to introduce the company's role in realising his dreams. "And what are you doing to achieve this goal? I mean, you are here now. How do you get from here to the pool and the bar?"

"I dunno. Probably my DJ'ing?"

"You DJ?"

"Yeah. Got a couple of decks," He motioned spinning a record with his reight hand.

"Do you play any clubs?"

"No. Not yet. Just practice in my bedroom mostly." Dan said without the slightest hint of embarrassment.

"Dan. Why do you work for this company?"

"Dunno. Its a job isn't it. It's money at the end of the day,"

As Anne had previously instructed, I gave Dan a solid 3.

After shepherding Dan out of the interview room, I brought Kate in for her performance review meeting.

"Kate. Where do you see yourself in two years time?" I asked her.

"In Anne's chair telling you what to do" Kate said.

Monday - Turning Negatives into Positives

This is my first Monday blog for a while.

I do mean to keep these up on a daily basis but sometimes I'm just so blown away by the inordinate amount of banal insanity that the start of the week can throw at you that I don't get round to it. Its the same every Monday morning. I gripe around the house hoping that I going to get a phonecall advising me not to go in as the office has been contaminated by some toxic biological fall-out, but it never happens and the GF has to prise me away from the doorjamb by telling me soothingly that it really isn't that bad and that I'll be ok once I'm at my desk.

Of course I fall for it every week. I should know better by now.

Case in point. The 'company' carries out a staff survey every year. It is carried out by a third party company that specialises in these sorts of things and it is supposedly anonymous but no-one really believes it. Perhaps they don't quite believe that the unique and individual identification number given to every staff member to log onto the website and log their survey cannot be used to trace back to the staff member.

One of the things that the department fell down on last year (One of Anne's objectives is her staff survey score) was that very few of us would recommend our own company products to our friends and family. Given that we have inside knowledge on the service that they would get and that the company isn't really interested in providing a service to the benefit to its customers but more in how many pounds they can squeeze out of their grasp then this, I believe, is an accurate reflection of staff's own view of our products - and no we don't get a discount either!

Now I would of thought that if this was the feedback given to the company, the natural response would be to find out more and hopefully change things. But the company is not a rational entity. The directors have their heads rammed firmly in the sand. The action point that Diamond Des Diamond has set Anne as a result of this feedback is to make sure that we understand our products fully because we obviously don't.

Well Des, its like this. I understand a pile of doggie doo but this doesn't mean I want to tread in it.

Tuesday epilogue - Adsense does it again

I really hope that you cannot see the Adsense advert on my blog that I'm looking at right now - 'Into cross dressing? Do you enjoy cross-dressing? Meet women that are into cross-dressing too'

Now I've no idea why this is here.

I haven't performed any searches on cross-dressing. I haven't. I promise. Of course I've now just sabotaged myself by encouraging the type of hits I'm going to get on the above paragraph. It's like some sort of perverse paradox.

Oh well.

Tuesday - Everyone's average

It's appraisal time. This is the one part of the year where I actually feel like I'm earning my teamleaders salary. This is my chance to assess each team members' contribution for the year and score it accordingly. But more importantly, its time for me to have a lengthy one to one with them so that we can identify any strengths and weaknesses and then by targeting them, motivate them for the coming year. In my view the entire process is about the staff and allows them to get a say in their work. I find that this really helps morale.

As with most appraisal systems there is a grading structure running from 1 to 5, with 1 meaning exceeding expectations and 5 being out the door sometime soon. It also has an impact on pay and for this reason can be controversial so its all the more important that the assessment is right and that I'm able to get the buy-in of the staff.

I'd already started thinking about gradings - the final grading comes after the appraisal meeting and the staff member has been able to put their case across - when Anne told all of her team leaders that this year everyone is to get a 3 irrespective of performance. Tracey, feeling brave, challenged this. But Anne's decision was final. Everyone in her department gets a '3' and no-one in the company is allowed a 1.

"So why have a five point grading system? Why not have just 4 if no-one is allowed a 1?" I asked.

"Because the highest performers have got to have something to aim towards," said Anne.

I know. It didn't make any sense to me either but there you go. I'm sure someone somewhere feels that there is a logic to this.

Saturday - First Time Ever

I lay in bed this morning drifting through that halfway house between sleep and panic sticken wakefulness. Even though I've been off work all week, my thoughts were stuck on my job like a wheel in a rut. I imagine as my return to the office on Monday looms ominously closer, my thoughts gear themselves up to getting back into 'workmode'.

As I lay there, it all became clear. The whole concept of the corporate work ethic is flawed. If I could break it down into a single rule it would be this.

'If people are encouraged to succeed at work in return for personal reward, then the company will also prosper.'

Of course this is complete crap because it assumes that the individuals aims are the same as the companies, which of course they are not.

Anne's goal is to avoid getting sacked. She doesn't need any more money at the moment and all she does is with this aim in mind. Jez's objective is to gain more power, authority and money.

Neither of these goals benefit the company. The company probably would prosper if Anne were sacked as it would save in salary and improve the morale and efficiency of the department that she runs. Jez's objective means that he backstabs his peers and works on whatever he thinks will impress those that can enhance his career path. Again this will not benefit the company. Now multiply that by the thousands that work for the business across the globe and you have a group of individuals all pulling in completely different directions. The company is just going to get pulled apart.

Even the CEO, just works to impress the shareholders. He doesn't work to improve company profits, not really, impressing the shareholders and the market to increase share price is his sole aim.

This all goes back to my original theory of quantum objectives and I realised as I lay in bed, can be found in all walks of life. But there has to be a different way. When I was at school my class was given an exercise to create the ideal utopian society. Everyone agreed that money was the route of all evil and then reinvented systems based upon communism and barterism.

Now, a good few years older, I wonder if perhaps money isn't the problem but the way in which we distribute it is. Perhaps we need to step back from the detail and understand exactly what it is we want to achieve. And then I had an idea.

What if we didn't reward people on the basis of meaningless and unmeasurable objectives that were vaguely attached to some corporate work ethic. What if people were solely remunerated based upon good deeds? Would the world be a nicer place then? Would more people give up a seat on a train or be complimentary about someones haircut if it meant they got an extra tenner in their karma based salary that month. This could also be extended to the workplace, where position and salaries were based solely on niceness. I daresay that Jez - who is playing the game by the rules purely for his benefit would change tact and likewise his manner in the office. And then who could begrudge him his post.

Now you're probably asking yourself how this will boost company profits, but we have to make a complete paradigm shift in our thought processes. Company profits as we know them will not exist because companies will not exist for the same reasons. They will make profits based upon every good action they take. They will still manufacture products and sell financial products for the benefit of mankind but will be rewarded by the way in which they benefit the human race. It will be simply a question of measuring and rewarding the how and not the why.

Of course there is one slight flaw in this plan, in that those who have attained power and status through more traditional means would then have to give it up and by their very nature, they're not likely to do so. But if we ask nicely they just might comply.

Buy Gareth Gates on Ebay

I've just gone into the blog to check its ok and the Google Adsense advert has offered to sell me Gareth Gates on ebay! I'm not sure if you can see this or not. But What....?
Why would anyone want to buy Gareth Gates on ebay? Have things been so bad for him these few years that he has resorted to selling himself to internet bargain hunters? But more importantly what relevance does Gareth Gates have to this blog?

I've included these ads in the vague but receding hope of making some extra cash on t'interweb but their part of the bargain has to be that they do not advertise crap!

Anyway, enuff said. BBC2 beckons.

Thursday - Saved by the Divot

I know I'm not at work but I've had a lovely day off today. The GF and I went to the shops, spent lots of money, had a nice meal, played on the PS2, watched a DVD and all the time pretending that the lumpy Croatian pitch hadn't conspired so meanly against Paul Robinson last night.

Kate only called the once, to check where some files were. After that I stopped answering the phone.

Anyway, going to go now. Extra's is on in 15 minutes but my minds been idle. It's been wandering. What if Ricky Gervaise's Andy Millman character met the real life Ricky Gervais in the show? How would that work? What sort of charcter flaws could Ricky invent for his own personna to send himself up on his own show? Perhaps an arrogant slef-depreciating humility - "Oh I'm so crap but I'm still better than all of you. Go on laugh at me, but are you laughing at me or am I laughing at you, laughing at me."

Go on Ricky, do it. I might even write in to the BBC to suggest it.

Tuesday - R n R

I'm on holiday this week. Not doing anything special or going anywhere nice, just not going into work, so don't expect any work blogs.

I wonder how they're all getting on without me?

Wednesday - The Way Things Are

And lo, the Chief Executive - He Who Is Always Right Until the Shareholders Decide Otherwise - decreed that we should form an alliance with Company Zed. They are a good company and profitable and it will be rewarding for us, He declared. Their Chief Executive also frequents my club.

And so he called forth his lieutenants and he told them of his plans and the date by which he wanted them to be complete. And they knew that they were bad and his plans did not exist in the realm of reality but they did not tell him this because he was the Chief Executive - He Who Is Always Right Until the Shareholders Decide Otherwise - and they feared for their positions of authority and their weighty salaries for which they had skillfully licked many arses and stabbed numerous backs.

And so the lieutenants beckoned their sub-ordinates and told them of the plans of the chief executive which had now been named 'Project Leaping Panther'. And their sub-ordinates knew that the plans were bad and could not be complete by the date by which they needed to be complete but they held their tongues because He Who Is Always Right Until the Shareholders Decide Otherwise had decreed that this be so and he lives in a dimension where they word 'No' is never uttered.

And so the sub-ordinates called forth their teams and told them of 'Project Leaping Panther'. And their teams - whose feet walked upon the Earth - knew that these plans were bad and that they could not be achieved and because their feet walked upon the Earth they told the sub-ordinates this but the sub-ordinates told them that this will be achieved because He Who Is Always Right Until the Shareholders Decide Otherwise had decreed this be so and if that was the case it would and anyone who would not obey would be deemed an outsider and cast out to 'Projects' never to be seen again.

And so the teams began work on the plans for 'Project Leaping Panther' knowing that they would not be achieved, in the hope that another team would stand up and tell the sub-ordinates that they could not be achieved. But they could not do this because they feared for their jobs, but their colleagues also, were in the same position and held their tongues and so work continued even though it was fruitless.

And the teams and sub-ordinates gathered on many an occassion to discuss 'Project Leaping Panther' and although they all knew that the plans were bad they persisted. And they offered enough evidence to each other to cease their work on 'Project Leaping Panther' but because they feared for their jobs and He Who Is Always Right Until the Shareholders Decide Otherwise had decreed that this be so no one spoke out because he did not know the word 'No' and lived in a alternate dimension.

And so the work was finished but it was not completed and those that were given it saw that it was bad and that it did not work and they said so. And those that were customers of the work saw that it was bad and that it did not work and they said so too. And they wrote many letters of complaint. And He Who Is Always Right Until the Shareholder Decide Otherwise got to know about this and he called forth his lieutenants and said: 'Find He Who is Responsible for this and punish him accordingly.'

And so the lieutenants went forth and spake unto their sub-ordinates and issued the command from He Who Is Always Right Until the Shareholders Decide Otherwise.

And the sub-ordinates called forth their teams and declared that He Who is Repsonsible is to be punished. And those that had not spoken out because they had feared for their jobs now spoke out against their colleagues until such a time as one of them had been selected and was justly punished and moved to Projects until such a time as they left the company.

And it was so.

Tuesday - Tower of Terror

"Mine's six," said Dan.
"Not as big as mine. I've seven," Gareth replied.
I wanted it to ask but I didn't like the look on Jo's face as she gazed down at her desk between them.
"Shall we see how big we can get?" asked Dan.
"Yeah. But no cheating. You can only stack cups that you've drunk out of," replied Gareth.

I breathed a sigh of relief. On their desks were two stacks of drained plastic cups from the drinks machine. Urged on by their usual, competitive stag-like rutting behaviour, Gareth and Dan were going to see how high they could build their cup-towers.

I left them to their devices to attend the department meeting held in the conference room. Anne was in attendance, as was Tracey and Jez. Gary made an appearance. But only so someone could take minutes. He tried to add more input in a pathetic attempt to impress Anne. He doesn't realise that once her mind's made up, there's no going back.

We covered the usual topics. The backlogs, the complaints, the IT issues, outsourcing to Poland and India. It started to become clear that Jez's team wasn't pulling their weight when it came to workloads. Of course Jez did what all good shirkers do in this situation. He drew the management's attention to something unrelated and irrelevant to deflect attention away from himself. He made several disguised barbed comments about my team. He mentioned, Jo's punctuality although she hasn't been late for months. Not since my last chat. He commented on Dan's laziness and Gareth's inherent militancy.

I wasn't going to have this. You would have been proud. I defended my team. Only I can point out their shortcomings. I told them about Jo's handling of a complaint and Dan's idea's for improving the post distribution. Anne appeared astounded. Jez was put out.

"They may have a bit of a laugh now and again. But there's is no question about their commitment when it comes to it," I said.

The meeting ended with me several feet taller and my teams reputation glowing. I opened the conference room door.

"Timber!!" I heard Dan shouting.

Monday - "You Are Just Not Able To See The Bigger Picture"

There are a few phrases bandied about by our 'superiors' that seem to be common stock as answers for managers, that I suspect are used whenever the minions get a little too close to the truth. The one in the title of this entry is a case in point. As a get out clause it covers everything and leaves the recipients wondering to what incredible other dimensions our magical and sage-like overseers have access to.

Anne's used it on many an occassion. Most notable in the recent offshoring of credit control functions. Whereas before, a quick phone query on a direct debit mandate would take a minute at most, since relocating credit control to the other side of the Earth, the same query now takes
twenty times that as our colleagues - who only speak English as a second language - very carefully follow each detailed step of the scripted procedure.

"It's a waste of time," said Gareth. "It may cost us a quarter of what it cost to run a UK based credit control department, but its taken six-times the amount of my time and theirs. How much is that costing the company?"

Overhearing this Anne popped her head over the partition of her lair and offered the management advice "There's more to it than that," She told Gareth. And then to qualify her answer said "You're just not able to see the bigger picture."

"Still seems ridiculous. I've wasted my time on this phone call." He muttered out of earshot once Anne had ducked back down.

"Of course its only expensive because your hourly rate is so high," Ted told Gareth. "If they moved our jobs to India as well it wouldn't matter so much would it?"