I've spent the last two days working as some sort of Human Berlin Wall, making sure that Kate and Gareth's bullets don't hit each other. In the end, despite various degrees of negotiation and reasoning with each of them individually - with Gareth explaining that Kate is the senior member of the team and with Kate coaching her in getting team members to perform there still didn't seem to be any kind of breakthrough. It had gone beyond a simple disagreement now, petty as it was, to quote the movie trailer's (adopt big gruff American trailer voice) 'This time it's personal!'
Unlike the time when I was first asked to deputise for my team leader - when I was told that I was in charge of the team, but I couldn't actually let any of the team know, I had explained Kate's position and seniority in my absence. But this wasn't enough for Gareth.
In the end I had no alternative but to browse the internet for trust exercises and finding one, put one into action in my team meeting. One at a time, each team member was blindfolded and then directed around an obstacle course of chairs and tables by spoken instructions from their exercise partner. In this case I placed Gareth and Kate together and I think it might have worked. I'll just have to see how things pan out. I mean a bond has to develop between someone when you're trusting them to guide you around a room without impaling yourself on a haphazard chairleg and they do it without any harm to your person.
And I'm sure Jo didn't really mean to let me walk into the corner of that table.
31 January 2007
26 January 2007
Friday - Man in the Middle
Two hours. That's all it takes for the team to fall apart in my absence. This may sound a little arrogant on my part, assuming that the team could not function in a responsible and rational way without my presence to oversee things, but sometimes this is one of the joys of teamleadership.
Kate intercepted me on my return and requested an audience in one of the empty meeting rooms.
"Gareth's out of control," She told me. "He won't listen to me. He won't do what I ask of him,"
Kate had demonstrated the first mistake that newly promoted staff make. She'd presumed that the team would blindly follow her requests like a group of squaddies that had just stepped from their passing out parade.
"Tell me exactly what happened," I asked Kate calmly.
"I gave him some of the file allocations to complete but he said that he had an urgent complaint case to clear. I told him that the file allocations were more urgent and should be his priority for the morning. But he still refused,"
"What did he say?"
"He said that you'd expected him to close off the complaint case today. When I asked him to drop the complaint he said I was overly sensitive,"
"He said you were 'overly sensitive'?" I questioned.
"I'm not though!" shrilled Kate in a way that I should not at all describe as 'sensitive'.
"I'll have a word with him," I told Kate.
When I got to my desk there already was an email from Gareth, blinking politely in my inbox.
"Luke. Can I have a minute." He'd written. "It's about Kate..."
Kate intercepted me on my return and requested an audience in one of the empty meeting rooms.
"Gareth's out of control," She told me. "He won't listen to me. He won't do what I ask of him,"
Kate had demonstrated the first mistake that newly promoted staff make. She'd presumed that the team would blindly follow her requests like a group of squaddies that had just stepped from their passing out parade.
"Tell me exactly what happened," I asked Kate calmly.
"I gave him some of the file allocations to complete but he said that he had an urgent complaint case to clear. I told him that the file allocations were more urgent and should be his priority for the morning. But he still refused,"
"What did he say?"
"He said that you'd expected him to close off the complaint case today. When I asked him to drop the complaint he said I was overly sensitive,"
"He said you were 'overly sensitive'?" I questioned.
"I'm not though!" shrilled Kate in a way that I should not at all describe as 'sensitive'.
"I'll have a word with him," I told Kate.
When I got to my desk there already was an email from Gareth, blinking politely in my inbox.
"Luke. Can I have a minute." He'd written. "It's about Kate..."
25 January 2007
Thursday - Diamond Des Enters the Building
Anne was in a good mood this morning. A very good mood. And she was wearing her best black smock and had even spent a few minutes in the Ladies applying some make-up.
The reason was clearer at 11AM, when her boss, Diamond Des Diamond entered the building.
He was challenged by a new starter, who, having only been at work in the company a few days, didn't have a clue as to who he was. When Des finally got through reception his ego had been bruised like a peach.
We were called into a meeting about Customer Service with him but the timing of the meeting was cause for concern. The phones wouldn't be covered by any of the team but when I broached the issue with Anne. Her response was merely that he is on a tight schedule and we have to all fit around him. He is the boss and we all have to do as he says. Of course if he hadn't been slumming it on a expenses paid train trip in first class and then didn't have a return journey a few hours later maybe he could have been more accommodating.
More and more in my dealings with Directors I'm starting to realise that they seem to exhibit the temperament and behaviour of a spoilt 2-year old. Flatter their ego's and let them have whatever toys they want to play with and they're fine. But if you don't know who they are or question a decision then they'll throw themselves to the floor and beat their hands and feet in a corporate version of a temper tantrum.
Of course it could be that 'Yes-Women' like Anne who'll flirt around and tug at their forlock the instance she sees someone a payscale above her merely pander to this perception.
I think that is why I'll never get anywhere in this company. I'm not a militant but I just cannot bring myself to bow my head and wring a flat-cap between my hands. It doesn't matter if it's your boss or not. An idiot is still an idiot.
The reason was clearer at 11AM, when her boss, Diamond Des Diamond entered the building.
He was challenged by a new starter, who, having only been at work in the company a few days, didn't have a clue as to who he was. When Des finally got through reception his ego had been bruised like a peach.
We were called into a meeting about Customer Service with him but the timing of the meeting was cause for concern. The phones wouldn't be covered by any of the team but when I broached the issue with Anne. Her response was merely that he is on a tight schedule and we have to all fit around him. He is the boss and we all have to do as he says. Of course if he hadn't been slumming it on a expenses paid train trip in first class and then didn't have a return journey a few hours later maybe he could have been more accommodating.
More and more in my dealings with Directors I'm starting to realise that they seem to exhibit the temperament and behaviour of a spoilt 2-year old. Flatter their ego's and let them have whatever toys they want to play with and they're fine. But if you don't know who they are or question a decision then they'll throw themselves to the floor and beat their hands and feet in a corporate version of a temper tantrum.
Of course it could be that 'Yes-Women' like Anne who'll flirt around and tug at their forlock the instance she sees someone a payscale above her merely pander to this perception.
I think that is why I'll never get anywhere in this company. I'm not a militant but I just cannot bring myself to bow my head and wring a flat-cap between my hands. It doesn't matter if it's your boss or not. An idiot is still an idiot.
Wednesday - Crumbs
Ted was most disappointed. His wife, Mrs Ted hadn't prepared his usual sandwiches this morning as she had to leave home early to visit their son in Luton.
Ted slummed it with the rest of us at the baguette shop opposite the office. He sat at his desk trying to navigate his teeth around a peninsula sized french stick, dripping lettuce and red onion shavings like a ticker-tape parade around his chair. Most of these he plucked up off the carpet when he'd finished.
Shortly afterwards, Jez meandered over.
"I hope Ted is going to vacuum all of that up," he said referring to some barely visible bread crumbs left on the floor.
"There's only a few crumbs. You can hardly notice them. We do still have office cleaners don't we?" I told Jez.
"He's got to complete the file allocations." I added when I realised that he might just be serious. Ever since Jo had been placed under the magnifying glass of management scrutiny everyone else had to cover her workload while she proved that she was up to the job.
Jez wandered away. Later that afternoon I returned to my desk from tracking down a couple of files. Ted had the office Dyson out and was running the nozzle around his chair.
"Ted. What are you doing?"
"Just what I'm told," grumbled Ted. "Anne said I had to clear up the mess,"
I glanced over at Jez but before I could say anything Ane emerged from out of her cave.
"Jez was quite right. We can't have the place looking a disgusting mess, People need to clear up after themselves,"
You know. Sometimes words fail me.
Ted slummed it with the rest of us at the baguette shop opposite the office. He sat at his desk trying to navigate his teeth around a peninsula sized french stick, dripping lettuce and red onion shavings like a ticker-tape parade around his chair. Most of these he plucked up off the carpet when he'd finished.
Shortly afterwards, Jez meandered over.
"I hope Ted is going to vacuum all of that up," he said referring to some barely visible bread crumbs left on the floor.
"There's only a few crumbs. You can hardly notice them. We do still have office cleaners don't we?" I told Jez.
"He's got to complete the file allocations." I added when I realised that he might just be serious. Ever since Jo had been placed under the magnifying glass of management scrutiny everyone else had to cover her workload while she proved that she was up to the job.
Jez wandered away. Later that afternoon I returned to my desk from tracking down a couple of files. Ted had the office Dyson out and was running the nozzle around his chair.
"Ted. What are you doing?"
"Just what I'm told," grumbled Ted. "Anne said I had to clear up the mess,"
I glanced over at Jez but before I could say anything Ane emerged from out of her cave.
"Jez was quite right. We can't have the place looking a disgusting mess, People need to clear up after themselves,"
You know. Sometimes words fail me.
22 January 2007
Tuesday - Jo in the Firing Line
I consider that there is a role for everyone in my team.
Each executive has their own very individual strengths and I focus (listen to me getting all management speak on you) on magnifying those positives whilst at the same time developing the areas in which they are weakest.
Jo for instance, gives great phone. She is polite, professional, charming and positive to the person on the other end of the line. It doesn't matter that she's reading the latest issue of Heat when she's talking because the customer doesn't know, and will have melted like butter at the end of the call, no matter what their grievance, thinking they have just been hand-delivered exceptional customer service.
Which, they have. But Jo was reading about Jordan and Peter Andre when she provided it.
It's all about perception at the end of the day.
Likewise if I know I need a monotonous but high volume task completed. Then I know Jo's your (wo)man. She doesn't do detail, but she clears a backlog like it's a bar lined with vodka jellies.
But it was perception that called me into Anne's hole this morning. The perception that because Jo is loud, flirty and bubbly that she is vacuous, lazy and a waste of space. Anne had Jo's timesheet in hand as evidence to support her theory.
"What are your impressions of Jo?" Anne asked.
I almost told her how productive Jo was but knew how many bullets the timesheet Anne held had loaded. There were no categories on the sheets for the work that Jo output. Anne had had issues with her since she'd joined the team. It was probably these reservations that had placed her in my reporting line as opposed to Jez's.
"She cleared the November backlog pretty much single-handedly. She's kept the file allocation to a minimum. She's not working for a career but she'll process what's put in front of her," I told Anne.
Anne was blunt and to the point. "She's not processing anywhere near as much work as she should be with the amount of experience she has. She needs to improve or I'll have to manage her out,"
"But she's processing more of the backlog than anyone else, and file allocation has been kept up to date since she took it over."
"But she's not closing as many complaints as Gareth, Dan or even Ted for that matter."
"She's doing more than Kate,"
"Kate has other duties,"
At this point I knew that putting forward Jo's case was a pointless exercise.
"I'll get Jo up to speed," I told Anne.
So now Jo's working day is set on solely closing complaints. The backlog isn't being processed, the files are not getting allocated and the customers are missing out on Jo's great phone service. But if it can get Jo out of the firing line it'll be worth it.
There is a strapline that can be found throughout the company on numerous walls and posters. It is a quote from the CEO and it reads:
"Without the Customer, we are not a business. Without the Customer, we have no business. Our Business are our Customers. Remember this every day."
I did remember this, as I tasked Jo with ignoring the customers, just so she could appease Anne and avoid being fired.
Each executive has their own very individual strengths and I focus (listen to me getting all management speak on you) on magnifying those positives whilst at the same time developing the areas in which they are weakest.
Jo for instance, gives great phone. She is polite, professional, charming and positive to the person on the other end of the line. It doesn't matter that she's reading the latest issue of Heat when she's talking because the customer doesn't know, and will have melted like butter at the end of the call, no matter what their grievance, thinking they have just been hand-delivered exceptional customer service.
Which, they have. But Jo was reading about Jordan and Peter Andre when she provided it.
It's all about perception at the end of the day.
Likewise if I know I need a monotonous but high volume task completed. Then I know Jo's your (wo)man. She doesn't do detail, but she clears a backlog like it's a bar lined with vodka jellies.
But it was perception that called me into Anne's hole this morning. The perception that because Jo is loud, flirty and bubbly that she is vacuous, lazy and a waste of space. Anne had Jo's timesheet in hand as evidence to support her theory.
"What are your impressions of Jo?" Anne asked.
I almost told her how productive Jo was but knew how many bullets the timesheet Anne held had loaded. There were no categories on the sheets for the work that Jo output. Anne had had issues with her since she'd joined the team. It was probably these reservations that had placed her in my reporting line as opposed to Jez's.
"She cleared the November backlog pretty much single-handedly. She's kept the file allocation to a minimum. She's not working for a career but she'll process what's put in front of her," I told Anne.
Anne was blunt and to the point. "She's not processing anywhere near as much work as she should be with the amount of experience she has. She needs to improve or I'll have to manage her out,"
"But she's processing more of the backlog than anyone else, and file allocation has been kept up to date since she took it over."
"But she's not closing as many complaints as Gareth, Dan or even Ted for that matter."
"She's doing more than Kate,"
"Kate has other duties,"
At this point I knew that putting forward Jo's case was a pointless exercise.
"I'll get Jo up to speed," I told Anne.
So now Jo's working day is set on solely closing complaints. The backlog isn't being processed, the files are not getting allocated and the customers are missing out on Jo's great phone service. But if it can get Jo out of the firing line it'll be worth it.
There is a strapline that can be found throughout the company on numerous walls and posters. It is a quote from the CEO and it reads:
"Without the Customer, we are not a business. Without the Customer, we have no business. Our Business are our Customers. Remember this every day."
I did remember this, as I tasked Jo with ignoring the customers, just so she could appease Anne and avoid being fired.
Monday - 23 and a half
The new series of "24" began last night and as much as I have a rule about not blogging on anything unrelated to the daily grind, I can't resist making a few observations.
Jack Bauer has spent 20 months in a Chinese jail, presumably being starved, deprived of sleep and tortured.
Within two hours of being freed, he has showered, shaved, been driven to a storm drain, handcuffed to a grate, abducted, driven to a secret hideout, tortured again, chewed out a terrorist's throat, hotwired a car, driven to a another secret hideout - through traffic - faster than a pair of helicopters could fly there, persuaded some terrorists he's on their side, rescued them from the secret hideout, followed another terrorist, got onto a subway train, had a fight and then pushed the said terrorist out of the car through a very flimsy door just as he set off his suicide bomb.
Phew.
In two hours this morning, I've showered, shaved and waited for a delayed train. Sat at my desk, booted up my PC, waited for it to warm up, got a coffee, read some emails and have been called into a meeting.
If think I need to boost my productivity.
Also, how come anyone in the series can log onto any PC and in a tense 15 seconds, take control of a spy satellite and home its camera's on any given point on Earth or, delete an entire database just in the time that it takes someone else to wiggle their mouse to disable their screen's powersave.
Just hovering my pointer over an Access database causes my whole PC's system to grind to a complete and utter standstill.
I don't think CTU have been shopping at Dell for their IT equipment.
Jack Bauer has spent 20 months in a Chinese jail, presumably being starved, deprived of sleep and tortured.
Within two hours of being freed, he has showered, shaved, been driven to a storm drain, handcuffed to a grate, abducted, driven to a secret hideout, tortured again, chewed out a terrorist's throat, hotwired a car, driven to a another secret hideout - through traffic - faster than a pair of helicopters could fly there, persuaded some terrorists he's on their side, rescued them from the secret hideout, followed another terrorist, got onto a subway train, had a fight and then pushed the said terrorist out of the car through a very flimsy door just as he set off his suicide bomb.
Phew.
In two hours this morning, I've showered, shaved and waited for a delayed train. Sat at my desk, booted up my PC, waited for it to warm up, got a coffee, read some emails and have been called into a meeting.
If think I need to boost my productivity.
Also, how come anyone in the series can log onto any PC and in a tense 15 seconds, take control of a spy satellite and home its camera's on any given point on Earth or, delete an entire database just in the time that it takes someone else to wiggle their mouse to disable their screen's powersave.
Just hovering my pointer over an Access database causes my whole PC's system to grind to a complete and utter standstill.
I don't think CTU have been shopping at Dell for their IT equipment.
15 January 2007
Monday - 101 Ways to Brighten your Day
The topics of conversation from the team today were Leo Sayer's pants, Jade's mum and David Beckham's forthcoming transfer to America where he will play 'soccerball' in front of thousands of adoring Mexican immigrants.
I was called into an impromptu meeting in Anne's cave with the other team leaders. There was good news and bad news.
The bad news was that an auditor was going to visit the department this week. The good news was that he wasn't arriving until Wednesday, so we had two days in which to prepare for his visit.
We were all given the strictest of instructions to ensure that no-one in our teams' were to so much as break wind in a non-company way when he arrived.
When I sat back at my desk Dan was in the middle of explaining how he brightened his day.
"Sometimes, I lower my chair as far as it will go and look around the office. Its incredible how something as simple as a change of perspective can make a view more interesting," he told the team.
I've found a cupboard in which to lock Dan for the duration of the auditors visit.
I was called into an impromptu meeting in Anne's cave with the other team leaders. There was good news and bad news.
The bad news was that an auditor was going to visit the department this week. The good news was that he wasn't arriving until Wednesday, so we had two days in which to prepare for his visit.
We were all given the strictest of instructions to ensure that no-one in our teams' were to so much as break wind in a non-company way when he arrived.
When I sat back at my desk Dan was in the middle of explaining how he brightened his day.
"Sometimes, I lower my chair as far as it will go and look around the office. Its incredible how something as simple as a change of perspective can make a view more interesting," he told the team.
I've found a cupboard in which to lock Dan for the duration of the auditors visit.
05 January 2007
Friday - Now That's What I call Neuro Linguisitic Programming
This is probably one of those posts where I get a little too philosophical for my own good. For those of you that don't know, NLP is the scientific of the individual interpretation of language and even those who are not aware of its principles often find themselves using its techniques.
For instance, Anne couches her language in these ways - she refers to herself, in very positive powerful ways such as "I have solved this problem," "I understand what he really means," "I will give you the benefit of the doubt,".
When referring to others it is always the opposite. For example, "You cannot see the big picture," "People are incapable of following simple procedures," "You've got this completely wrong you absolute imbecile!" and so on.
None of this means that she is actually capable or any good at running a department efficiently but it certainly can help her to pull the wool over her superior's eyes. I can imagine the post interview review amongst the board.
"Wow, she is very positive,"
"Yes. She certainly knows her stuff,"
"You're right she was the loudest and brashest person we've interviewed. And she is a woman. She must be good. We'd better hire her!"
Another interesting fact about NLP is that Derren Brown uses it in his mind control performances. Those of you that saw the Special this Christmas would probably have been as astounded as I was when he got random members of an audience to pick a random word from a random cutting of a randomly selected newspaper. Of course it all became clear when he explained that he did it by suggesting rather obviously through his performance that they "Choose 'Daily Mail' a number from the board,".
I will try these techniques this year.
"Anne, I'll just bring that (promote Luke) report over right now,"
It just might work!
For instance, Anne couches her language in these ways - she refers to herself, in very positive powerful ways such as "I have solved this problem," "I understand what he really means," "I will give you the benefit of the doubt,".
When referring to others it is always the opposite. For example, "You cannot see the big picture," "People are incapable of following simple procedures," "You've got this completely wrong you absolute imbecile!" and so on.
None of this means that she is actually capable or any good at running a department efficiently but it certainly can help her to pull the wool over her superior's eyes. I can imagine the post interview review amongst the board.
"Wow, she is very positive,"
"Yes. She certainly knows her stuff,"
"You're right she was the loudest and brashest person we've interviewed. And she is a woman. She must be good. We'd better hire her!"
Another interesting fact about NLP is that Derren Brown uses it in his mind control performances. Those of you that saw the Special this Christmas would probably have been as astounded as I was when he got random members of an audience to pick a random word from a random cutting of a randomly selected newspaper. Of course it all became clear when he explained that he did it by suggesting rather obviously through his performance that they "Choose 'Daily Mail' a number from the board,".
I will try these techniques this year.
"Anne, I'll just bring that (promote Luke) report over right now,"
It just might work!
03 January 2007
Wednesday - Eastenders for beginners
As overheard in the team today when they were discussing the latest plotlines in the 'enders:
Jo: "So Martin thinks Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate: "No, Martin said I know who killed Pauline"
Jo: "I thought he said 'I know you killed Pauline,'"
Ted: "He said I know who killed Pauline because Rebecca saw Sonia hit Pauline,"
Kate: "And Sonia thinks that she killed Pauline,"
Jo: "I'm sure he said that 'I know you killed Pauline,"
Kate: " No it was 'I know who killed Pauline,'"
Jo: "So he doesn't think that Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate and Ted: "No. He thinks that Sonia killed Pauline,"
Dan: "Does anyone know how to get the sludgey stuff from chicken soup out of the end of a bic biro after they've stirred it?"
Jo: "So Martin thinks Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate: "No, Martin said I know who killed Pauline"
Jo: "I thought he said 'I know you killed Pauline,'"
Ted: "He said I know who killed Pauline because Rebecca saw Sonia hit Pauline,"
Kate: "And Sonia thinks that she killed Pauline,"
Jo: "I'm sure he said that 'I know you killed Pauline,"
Kate: " No it was 'I know who killed Pauline,'"
Jo: "So he doesn't think that Joe killed Pauline?"
Kate and Ted: "No. He thinks that Sonia killed Pauline,"
Dan: "Does anyone know how to get the sludgey stuff from chicken soup out of the end of a bic biro after they've stirred it?"
02 December 2006
Tuesday - One Resolution Too Many
My New Year's Resolution is to maintain the blog on a more regular basis.
I will do this.
I will not be distracted by video's of thirteen year olds philosophising on YouTube or MySpace.
I will not play Java games that involve catapulting penguins into snowploughs.
I will blog. It will be on a regular basis and I will not be on too much of a downer.
Now if only I could persuade my audience to read this, instead of being distracted by home made webcam videos of thirteen years olds philosophising on Youtube and Myspace or playing java games that catapult penguins into snowploughs then I'll be really happy!
I will do this.
I will not be distracted by video's of thirteen year olds philosophising on YouTube or MySpace.
I will not play Java games that involve catapulting penguins into snowploughs.
I will blog. It will be on a regular basis and I will not be on too much of a downer.
Now if only I could persuade my audience to read this, instead of being distracted by home made webcam videos of thirteen years olds philosophising on Youtube and Myspace or playing java games that catapult penguins into snowploughs then I'll be really happy!
09 November 2006
Thursday - Our Staff Are Our Most Valuable Asset
We've been under the kosh this week due to a sickness bug that has decimated the customer complaints team. Both Jo and Gareth have been off since Monday. Kate and Ted, as expected have battled on but Dan has hinted that he too, is starting to suffer. I expect he's planning a long weekend.
We had our weekly team leader meeting in Anne's hole in the morning. Anne berated the staff for their absence levels, ulimately worried about how this looks with head office. Its all reported back to them monthly.
"We've got to tighten up on sickness related absence," said Anne. "Its always the same names letting everyone else down and increasing workloads for the whole department."
"You've got to look at the underlying cause," I commented. "If staff are happy in their work then they will make the extra effort to come in if they're feeling a bit run down. But at the moment morale is low and backlogs are excessive. They feel unappreciated and no-one is listening to them."
Anne thought over this. Jez appeared a little shocked but Tracey was nodding.
"Well," said Anne sternly. "If they don't like it they can just go and get another job." She said, proving my point.
We had our weekly team leader meeting in Anne's hole in the morning. Anne berated the staff for their absence levels, ulimately worried about how this looks with head office. Its all reported back to them monthly.
"We've got to tighten up on sickness related absence," said Anne. "Its always the same names letting everyone else down and increasing workloads for the whole department."
"You've got to look at the underlying cause," I commented. "If staff are happy in their work then they will make the extra effort to come in if they're feeling a bit run down. But at the moment morale is low and backlogs are excessive. They feel unappreciated and no-one is listening to them."
Anne thought over this. Jez appeared a little shocked but Tracey was nodding.
"Well," said Anne sternly. "If they don't like it they can just go and get another job." She said, proving my point.
03 November 2006
Friday - Ol' Beardy Face
Gareth and Dan are going to have a beard growing competition. They've asked Ted and me to join in but I've had to turn them down citing earlier gf statements that she wouldn't kiss me when I had a bit of stubbley growth on my chin. Ted doesn't want to look like Santa Claus's anorexic younger brother so he's also turned them down.
"I can feel it itching already, " said Dan stoking his cheeks. "I don't know if I can keep this up."
Kate, eager to please, chased up her system enhancements document, that was currently buried beneath a mountain of invoices on Anne's desk. I glanced towards Anne's cave, where she prowled like a hungry bear with a hangover. The dark clouds above her alcove did not bode well and I didn't want to be the person to be prodding her with a short stick.
Kate looked at me expectantly.
"I'll go and see if Anne's reviewed it yet," I said bravely
I peered over the partition and asked Anne in my most inoffensive tone, whether she'd looked at Kate's document.
At first she appeared to be taken aback and didn't remember the document I was referring to.
"I know. Yes. There's some detail missing from it," She said.
"What's that?"
"I need a cost/savings analysis."
"That's already in the report."
Anne blinked in surprise before regaining her composure.
"No." She said firmly as if I was the one who wasn't listening. "I need more detail." She said.
"Sorry, what detail?"
"I've got some telephone conferences to attend. Can we discuss this Monday?" She answered.
"I can feel it itching already, " said Dan stoking his cheeks. "I don't know if I can keep this up."
Kate, eager to please, chased up her system enhancements document, that was currently buried beneath a mountain of invoices on Anne's desk. I glanced towards Anne's cave, where she prowled like a hungry bear with a hangover. The dark clouds above her alcove did not bode well and I didn't want to be the person to be prodding her with a short stick.
Kate looked at me expectantly.
"I'll go and see if Anne's reviewed it yet," I said bravely
I peered over the partition and asked Anne in my most inoffensive tone, whether she'd looked at Kate's document.
At first she appeared to be taken aback and didn't remember the document I was referring to.
"I know. Yes. There's some detail missing from it," She said.
"What's that?"
"I need a cost/savings analysis."
"That's already in the report."
Anne blinked in surprise before regaining her composure.
"No." She said firmly as if I was the one who wasn't listening. "I need more detail." She said.
"Sorry, what detail?"
"I've got some telephone conferences to attend. Can we discuss this Monday?" She answered.
02 November 2006
Thursday - Kid Gloves
Jo's appraisal. I tracked her down in the rest room and overheard her talking to Dan before I dragged her along to the interview room.
"I'm really nervous," Jo told Dan.
"You'll be all right. You'll just flutter those eyelashes and he'll forgive you anything."
"I'm not like that. He had to have a word with me about lateness and sickness this year,"
"Oh sorry Luke. I promise I'll be a good girl from now on," Dan said bending backwards and fluttering his eyelashes at Jo.
I cleared my throat to give them warning and entered the room. Dan almost spilt his coffee over himself.
"Ready Jo?" I said, pretending that I hadn't heard any of the earlier conversation.
She cast Dan a look as we left for the interview room, like that of the condemned (wo)man walking the green mile.
Jo was right in that the main issue with her work output was her loose grasp of the concept of punctuality and the number of hangovers she'd had to face under the guise of food poisonings, migraines and viral infections. Jo wasn't as dispassionate as she appeared. She had been known on rare occassions to burst into a flood of tears, usually after one of Anne's barbed comments. I had to raise this subject with her and after overhearing her earlier concerns, very, very, carefully and with a immense amount of compassion.
Fifteen minutes later and I'd run out of tissues.
"It's ok," I said. "You just need to be careful of your sickness levels,"
"But you said I'd be sacked," Jo cried, he face burried within a crumpled mass of kleenex.
"No. I said that if you take too many days then as you know your performance will be reviewed under second level sickness procedures which can lead to a dismissal for ineffective performance,"
"You're saying I'm ineffective," wailed Jo.
I was fed up of this. "It's ok," I said, for once thanking Anne. "You've got a 3 anyway,"
"I'm really nervous," Jo told Dan.
"You'll be all right. You'll just flutter those eyelashes and he'll forgive you anything."
"I'm not like that. He had to have a word with me about lateness and sickness this year,"
"Oh sorry Luke. I promise I'll be a good girl from now on," Dan said bending backwards and fluttering his eyelashes at Jo.
I cleared my throat to give them warning and entered the room. Dan almost spilt his coffee over himself.
"Ready Jo?" I said, pretending that I hadn't heard any of the earlier conversation.
She cast Dan a look as we left for the interview room, like that of the condemned (wo)man walking the green mile.
Jo was right in that the main issue with her work output was her loose grasp of the concept of punctuality and the number of hangovers she'd had to face under the guise of food poisonings, migraines and viral infections. Jo wasn't as dispassionate as she appeared. She had been known on rare occassions to burst into a flood of tears, usually after one of Anne's barbed comments. I had to raise this subject with her and after overhearing her earlier concerns, very, very, carefully and with a immense amount of compassion.
Fifteen minutes later and I'd run out of tissues.
"It's ok," I said. "You just need to be careful of your sickness levels,"
"But you said I'd be sacked," Jo cried, he face burried within a crumpled mass of kleenex.
"No. I said that if you take too many days then as you know your performance will be reviewed under second level sickness procedures which can lead to a dismissal for ineffective performance,"
"You're saying I'm ineffective," wailed Jo.
I was fed up of this. "It's ok," I said, for once thanking Anne. "You've got a 3 anyway,"
31 October 2006
DO THIS NOW!
For the second time in a week I find myself blogging on stuff unrelated to my job but I make no excuses for this. More importantly this will affect you, whoever you are and wherever you are.
We only have one planet to live on and like it or not, climate change is real and it's happening. If you live in the UK you can register with I Count who are petitioning the public to email their local MP's and to put in place legislation to reduce carbon emissions.
The I Count website states:
"Together we can help stop climate chaos by cutting carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions.
We want to see a Climate Change Bill passed by Parliament which will make year-on-year cuts in CO2 a law. This has never happened before.
The idea of a Bill is backed by thousands and thousands of people across the UK, and by over half our MPs. After much campaigning the Government has responded by saying it will introduce a Bill at some point – although we don’t yet know what the wording will be.
Speed is of the essence. We want the government to include a truly effective Bill in the Queen's Speech on 15th November. And this will only happen if the government feels the heat from all 646 MPs.
That's why we're asking you to send an email to your MP. It's their job to represent you - help make sure they do."
I urge everyone of you from the UK to do this. The site will even work out who your local MP is and generate the email for you.
If you're not from the UK then please contact your local Government Representatives and start a similar campaign. We have to make a difference because no-one else is going to save our world.
We've all heard the excuses - that its no good doing it if China/America/Russia (Add the large national CO2 cuplrit of choice) doesn't, but this has to start somewhere and doing something is a million times better than doing nothing at all.
There. I've had my say. Please now have yours.
We only have one planet to live on and like it or not, climate change is real and it's happening. If you live in the UK you can register with I Count who are petitioning the public to email their local MP's and to put in place legislation to reduce carbon emissions.
The I Count website states:
"Together we can help stop climate chaos by cutting carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions.
We want to see a Climate Change Bill passed by Parliament which will make year-on-year cuts in CO2 a law. This has never happened before.
The idea of a Bill is backed by thousands and thousands of people across the UK, and by over half our MPs. After much campaigning the Government has responded by saying it will introduce a Bill at some point – although we don’t yet know what the wording will be.
Speed is of the essence. We want the government to include a truly effective Bill in the Queen's Speech on 15th November. And this will only happen if the government feels the heat from all 646 MPs.
That's why we're asking you to send an email to your MP. It's their job to represent you - help make sure they do."
I urge everyone of you from the UK to do this. The site will even work out who your local MP is and generate the email for you.
If you're not from the UK then please contact your local Government Representatives and start a similar campaign. We have to make a difference because no-one else is going to save our world.
We've all heard the excuses - that its no good doing it if China/America/Russia (Add the large national CO2 cuplrit of choice) doesn't, but this has to start somewhere and doing something is a million times better than doing nothing at all.
There. I've had my say. Please now have yours.
30 October 2006
Monday - Gary Has Left the Building
Gary handed his notice in today. I think going from second-in-command to tea boy was just one kick too many.
"Don't give too much to the company," He told me when I asked him about his news. "You won't get any thanks for it."
"At least there'll now be someone to blame for everything that goes wrong for the next six months," Gareth commented in a rather insightful way once Gary had left the office.
"Don't give too much to the company," He told me when I asked him about his news. "You won't get any thanks for it."
"At least there'll now be someone to blame for everything that goes wrong for the next six months," Gareth commented in a rather insightful way once Gary had left the office.
27 October 2006
Friday - Gareth Gets his Groove Back
I've done it. I've blogged everyday this week.
Of course I am tempted to just leave today's blog at that, but this, I think would be cheating.
It was Gareth's turn in the interview room for his performance review meeting. Anne and Jez would say that he's a mouthy and opinionated little git but I can see beyond that. He's just a very passionate person who cares about his work. Its just his approach that requires revision.
I explained that the meeting is just an open two-way discussion.
"How do you think your colleagues see you?" I began.
"With their eyes," Gareth laughs. "No only joking. Hard-working. knowledgeable. Helpful." He recalled his CV from memory.
Trying different tact I ask: "Has there been anything that has annoyed you over the year. In respect of working practices?"
Gareth chewed on this before answering. "Yeah. There's been a few things that I've not agreed with,"
"And how have you dealt with these situations?" I probed.
Gareth now looked uneasy. Not really a position I wanted him to be in.
"Ok. You may not agree with something but you have to do it at the end of the day," He said.
"So you wouldn't tell Anne that something is a 'load of bollocks and whoever thought of this is an idiot'?"
"I wouldn't say anything like that," said Gareth defensively.
"No. But you did on an email to her," I told him whilst handing him my evidence. A hardcopy of a message sent by Gareth on the 3rd of October,"
"Ah," said Gareth.
From that point on it was easier to get my point across. Gareth had to watch what he said and stop his overheated emotional outbursts. His responses to things that he didn't agree with had to measured and handled professionally. By all means question his colleagues, I didn't want him to stop that and if he could do this and stop asking every new recruit what their salary was then he'd be a little closer to the next rung of the ladder.
------------------------
I peered into Anne's cave later that afternoon.
"Have you had a chance to look at Kate's recommendations yet?" I asked cheerily.
Anne waved me away. "I'll have to look at it next week,"
Of course I am tempted to just leave today's blog at that, but this, I think would be cheating.
It was Gareth's turn in the interview room for his performance review meeting. Anne and Jez would say that he's a mouthy and opinionated little git but I can see beyond that. He's just a very passionate person who cares about his work. Its just his approach that requires revision.
I explained that the meeting is just an open two-way discussion.
"How do you think your colleagues see you?" I began.
"With their eyes," Gareth laughs. "No only joking. Hard-working. knowledgeable. Helpful." He recalled his CV from memory.
Trying different tact I ask: "Has there been anything that has annoyed you over the year. In respect of working practices?"
Gareth chewed on this before answering. "Yeah. There's been a few things that I've not agreed with,"
"And how have you dealt with these situations?" I probed.
Gareth now looked uneasy. Not really a position I wanted him to be in.
"Ok. You may not agree with something but you have to do it at the end of the day," He said.
"So you wouldn't tell Anne that something is a 'load of bollocks and whoever thought of this is an idiot'?"
"I wouldn't say anything like that," said Gareth defensively.
"No. But you did on an email to her," I told him whilst handing him my evidence. A hardcopy of a message sent by Gareth on the 3rd of October,"
"Ah," said Gareth.
From that point on it was easier to get my point across. Gareth had to watch what he said and stop his overheated emotional outbursts. His responses to things that he didn't agree with had to measured and handled professionally. By all means question his colleagues, I didn't want him to stop that and if he could do this and stop asking every new recruit what their salary was then he'd be a little closer to the next rung of the ladder.
------------------------
I peered into Anne's cave later that afternoon.
"Have you had a chance to look at Kate's recommendations yet?" I asked cheerily.
Anne waved me away. "I'll have to look at it next week,"
26 October 2006
Thursday - Africa Screams
Its not the place fo this blog to comment on events in the 'real world' but I have to make an exception today.
No sooner had I mused upon a method of changing society for the better and suddenly Mo Ibrahim has offered a prize to the African head of state that leaves office after providing the most benefit to their nation whilst they were in office. See the full story here.
Its a commendable act but for it to work the prize has to be worth more than the kickbacks from corrupt practice. I don't know how much you can earn from taking bribes from toxic chemical companies but I imagine it can be quite substantial.
The leaders also have to believe that they are in with a shout until the finish otherwise you'll get even greater apathy from those that do not believe they have a chance of winning.
Niger: "I'm not even going to bother with this. Kenya's a shoe-in for the prize. Now who wants these AK-47's?"
And finally Harvard University is going to assess which leader has provided the greatest improvements in Security, Health, Welfare and Education to their country. But how are they going to assess this. If we're talking about the head of state then who has overall control of the statistics they can provide? Will they be sending in Price Waterhouse Coopers to do a quick audit on their healthcare?
"So last year 300,000 were HIV positive and now you have only 2?"
"Yes,"
"And the Ebola virus?"
"We've cured it. I'll show you. Visit our hospitals. There is no-one in the wards. We have some lovely landscape gardening in the grounds. Its a bit 'hilly' but very pretty."
On the whole the idea is great. As I said earlier, I recommended it but my faith in human nature isn't that high. I've no great knowledge on Africa and I don't pretend to be but this isn't about that continent. Its about the way people are and the way that those who seek power tend to be.
If anything I'd like to see the same scheme introduced here.
What decisions would Tony Blair have made if the same prize had been available to him I wonder?
Anyway. This is enough of this diversion from the usual blog-like witterings. I apologise. I have Gareth's performance review to look forward to tomorrow and can assure you that service will be back to normal by the weekend.
No sooner had I mused upon a method of changing society for the better and suddenly Mo Ibrahim has offered a prize to the African head of state that leaves office after providing the most benefit to their nation whilst they were in office. See the full story here.
Its a commendable act but for it to work the prize has to be worth more than the kickbacks from corrupt practice. I don't know how much you can earn from taking bribes from toxic chemical companies but I imagine it can be quite substantial.
The leaders also have to believe that they are in with a shout until the finish otherwise you'll get even greater apathy from those that do not believe they have a chance of winning.
Niger: "I'm not even going to bother with this. Kenya's a shoe-in for the prize. Now who wants these AK-47's?"
And finally Harvard University is going to assess which leader has provided the greatest improvements in Security, Health, Welfare and Education to their country. But how are they going to assess this. If we're talking about the head of state then who has overall control of the statistics they can provide? Will they be sending in Price Waterhouse Coopers to do a quick audit on their healthcare?
"So last year 300,000 were HIV positive and now you have only 2?"
"Yes,"
"And the Ebola virus?"
"We've cured it. I'll show you. Visit our hospitals. There is no-one in the wards. We have some lovely landscape gardening in the grounds. Its a bit 'hilly' but very pretty."
On the whole the idea is great. As I said earlier, I recommended it but my faith in human nature isn't that high. I've no great knowledge on Africa and I don't pretend to be but this isn't about that continent. Its about the way people are and the way that those who seek power tend to be.
If anything I'd like to see the same scheme introduced here.
What decisions would Tony Blair have made if the same prize had been available to him I wonder?
Anyway. This is enough of this diversion from the usual blog-like witterings. I apologise. I have Gareth's performance review to look forward to tomorrow and can assure you that service will be back to normal by the weekend.
25 October 2006
Wednesday - All Systems are Go
Despite the start, Kate's performance review meeting ended a lot better than it had began. It's so much easier to incentivise someone when they are interested in what they do and want to do it well. I impressed myself with my creativity in setting Kate's objectives and I would hope that she left the meeting feeling energised and motivated.
One of Kate's bugbears was the application we use to record complaints. As a system, it was designed by real IT geeks whose concept of the term 'user friendly' is that the user doesn't swear at their system and has an indepth working knowledge of C# and SQL. I have a rudimentary knowledge which means that I'm treated with slightly less contempt than the other users.
There were a number of minor issues with the system that although are not massive, do impact on the effectiveness of users working with it. If anyone was inspired I was - Kate had motivated me to do something about them. It was an inhouse system anyway so it wasn't as if we were trying to rewrite Microsoft Windows. I asked Kate to prepare a list of 'suggested improvements' and then from this drafted a business case including cost savings.
Anne almost fell off her chair when I approached her cave with our document in hand.
"I'll look at this some point this week," Anne said.
You know. I almost feel like she just might.
One of Kate's bugbears was the application we use to record complaints. As a system, it was designed by real IT geeks whose concept of the term 'user friendly' is that the user doesn't swear at their system and has an indepth working knowledge of C# and SQL. I have a rudimentary knowledge which means that I'm treated with slightly less contempt than the other users.
There were a number of minor issues with the system that although are not massive, do impact on the effectiveness of users working with it. If anyone was inspired I was - Kate had motivated me to do something about them. It was an inhouse system anyway so it wasn't as if we were trying to rewrite Microsoft Windows. I asked Kate to prepare a list of 'suggested improvements' and then from this drafted a business case including cost savings.
Anne almost fell off her chair when I approached her cave with our document in hand.
"I'll look at this some point this week," Anne said.
You know. I almost feel like she just might.
24 October 2006
Tuesday - Dan with the Plan
"So," I began in Dan's performance review meeting. "Where would you like to be in two years time?"
Dan pondered it for a second before answering; "On a beach somewhere hot, sipping a cold stella,"
"Ah," I said, slightly taken aback. "What about work?" I probed.
"No. I wouldn't be working. I would probably own a bar or something and spend all day lounging around the pool and then in the evening I would entertain young lady friends."
"Right," I said desperately trying to think of a way to introduce the company's role in realising his dreams. "And what are you doing to achieve this goal? I mean, you are here now. How do you get from here to the pool and the bar?"
"I dunno. Probably my DJ'ing?"
"You DJ?"
"Yeah. Got a couple of decks," He motioned spinning a record with his reight hand.
"Do you play any clubs?"
"No. Not yet. Just practice in my bedroom mostly." Dan said without the slightest hint of embarrassment.
"Dan. Why do you work for this company?"
"Dunno. Its a job isn't it. It's money at the end of the day,"
As Anne had previously instructed, I gave Dan a solid 3.
After shepherding Dan out of the interview room, I brought Kate in for her performance review meeting.
"Kate. Where do you see yourself in two years time?" I asked her.
"In Anne's chair telling you what to do" Kate said.
Dan pondered it for a second before answering; "On a beach somewhere hot, sipping a cold stella,"
"Ah," I said, slightly taken aback. "What about work?" I probed.
"No. I wouldn't be working. I would probably own a bar or something and spend all day lounging around the pool and then in the evening I would entertain young lady friends."
"Right," I said desperately trying to think of a way to introduce the company's role in realising his dreams. "And what are you doing to achieve this goal? I mean, you are here now. How do you get from here to the pool and the bar?"
"I dunno. Probably my DJ'ing?"
"You DJ?"
"Yeah. Got a couple of decks," He motioned spinning a record with his reight hand.
"Do you play any clubs?"
"No. Not yet. Just practice in my bedroom mostly." Dan said without the slightest hint of embarrassment.
"Dan. Why do you work for this company?"
"Dunno. Its a job isn't it. It's money at the end of the day,"
As Anne had previously instructed, I gave Dan a solid 3.
After shepherding Dan out of the interview room, I brought Kate in for her performance review meeting.
"Kate. Where do you see yourself in two years time?" I asked her.
"In Anne's chair telling you what to do" Kate said.
23 October 2006
Monday - Turning Negatives into Positives
This is my first Monday blog for a while.
I do mean to keep these up on a daily basis but sometimes I'm just so blown away by the inordinate amount of banal insanity that the start of the week can throw at you that I don't get round to it. Its the same every Monday morning. I gripe around the house hoping that I going to get a phonecall advising me not to go in as the office has been contaminated by some toxic biological fall-out, but it never happens and the GF has to prise me away from the doorjamb by telling me soothingly that it really isn't that bad and that I'll be ok once I'm at my desk.
Of course I fall for it every week. I should know better by now.
Case in point. The 'company' carries out a staff survey every year. It is carried out by a third party company that specialises in these sorts of things and it is supposedly anonymous but no-one really believes it. Perhaps they don't quite believe that the unique and individual identification number given to every staff member to log onto the website and log their survey cannot be used to trace back to the staff member.
One of the things that the department fell down on last year (One of Anne's objectives is her staff survey score) was that very few of us would recommend our own company products to our friends and family. Given that we have inside knowledge on the service that they would get and that the company isn't really interested in providing a service to the benefit to its customers but more in how many pounds they can squeeze out of their grasp then this, I believe, is an accurate reflection of staff's own view of our products - and no we don't get a discount either!
Now I would of thought that if this was the feedback given to the company, the natural response would be to find out more and hopefully change things. But the company is not a rational entity. The directors have their heads rammed firmly in the sand. The action point that Diamond Des Diamond has set Anne as a result of this feedback is to make sure that we understand our products fully because we obviously don't.
Well Des, its like this. I understand a pile of doggie doo but this doesn't mean I want to tread in it.
I do mean to keep these up on a daily basis but sometimes I'm just so blown away by the inordinate amount of banal insanity that the start of the week can throw at you that I don't get round to it. Its the same every Monday morning. I gripe around the house hoping that I going to get a phonecall advising me not to go in as the office has been contaminated by some toxic biological fall-out, but it never happens and the GF has to prise me away from the doorjamb by telling me soothingly that it really isn't that bad and that I'll be ok once I'm at my desk.
Of course I fall for it every week. I should know better by now.
Case in point. The 'company' carries out a staff survey every year. It is carried out by a third party company that specialises in these sorts of things and it is supposedly anonymous but no-one really believes it. Perhaps they don't quite believe that the unique and individual identification number given to every staff member to log onto the website and log their survey cannot be used to trace back to the staff member.
One of the things that the department fell down on last year (One of Anne's objectives is her staff survey score) was that very few of us would recommend our own company products to our friends and family. Given that we have inside knowledge on the service that they would get and that the company isn't really interested in providing a service to the benefit to its customers but more in how many pounds they can squeeze out of their grasp then this, I believe, is an accurate reflection of staff's own view of our products - and no we don't get a discount either!
Now I would of thought that if this was the feedback given to the company, the natural response would be to find out more and hopefully change things. But the company is not a rational entity. The directors have their heads rammed firmly in the sand. The action point that Diamond Des Diamond has set Anne as a result of this feedback is to make sure that we understand our products fully because we obviously don't.
Well Des, its like this. I understand a pile of doggie doo but this doesn't mean I want to tread in it.
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