Our new televised marketing campaign was announced by Diamond Des today on one of his flying visits to the office to flash his orthodontal work at us. A couple of the okay-yah marketing bods joined him for a sneak preview of our new ads. I wish I could tell you what to look for but I can't for obvious reasons - maybe one day if I leave the company I'll let you know who we all are - but not yet.
The new campaign is designed to maximise customer awareness of our unique products and more specifically its special benefits according to okay-yah man. The marketing department has worked for three months on this campaign in close proximity to one of the largest and most prestigious advertising agencies in the world to create a strong brand name and awareness of it.
In layman's terms, the advert tells the viewer that our insurance is really, really cheap.
26 September 2006
Friday - Inspector Dreyfus
Posting this a few days late but you deserve an update.
Friday was dress down day and everyone turned up in green. Green tops, shirts, trousers, skirts and handkerchiefs. If there something green in the wardrobe then it was worn. Anne's comment that there was a consiracy against her had become, like all prophesies, self-fulfilling.
She made no more mention of our attire but I'm sure I saw the beginnings of a nervous twitch in her right eye.
Friday was dress down day and everyone turned up in green. Green tops, shirts, trousers, skirts and handkerchiefs. If there something green in the wardrobe then it was worn. Anne's comment that there was a consiracy against her had become, like all prophesies, self-fulfilling.
She made no more mention of our attire but I'm sure I saw the beginnings of a nervous twitch in her right eye.
18 September 2006
Monday - The Food Chain
"Who's doing the stats now that Sue's gone?" Jez asked me while leaning over my shoulder in that overbearing friendly way of his that brought to mind bears and picnic hampers.
How should I know? Why did he think this was my responsibility? Sue had been in his team, surely hers tasks were his to delegate.
Fatally I told him I'd ask Anne.
"Anne said that you were looking after it," Jez replied.
Fortunately my memory recall is good. Orders can often get lost in the fog of work.
"I was asked to provide a list of Sue's tasks. Twice. By Anne and Gary. Which I gave them. That was all. I wasn't asked to do anything with them."
By the time I got back to Anne to clarify my objective just to make sure that I was supposed to be delegating this task, something or someone had already got to her because the very mention of Sue's name was enough to send her into an apoplectic seizure.
"Its quite simple! Just choose a member of staff and ask them to record the stats. That's why I am a Manager and why you are where you are. And you're staying that way too," Anne said.
There's nothing like management motivational techniques to get me going.
How should I know? Why did he think this was my responsibility? Sue had been in his team, surely hers tasks were his to delegate.
Fatally I told him I'd ask Anne.
"Anne said that you were looking after it," Jez replied.
Fortunately my memory recall is good. Orders can often get lost in the fog of work.
"I was asked to provide a list of Sue's tasks. Twice. By Anne and Gary. Which I gave them. That was all. I wasn't asked to do anything with them."
By the time I got back to Anne to clarify my objective just to make sure that I was supposed to be delegating this task, something or someone had already got to her because the very mention of Sue's name was enough to send her into an apoplectic seizure.
"Its quite simple! Just choose a member of staff and ask them to record the stats. That's why I am a Manager and why you are where you are. And you're staying that way too," Anne said.
There's nothing like management motivational techniques to get me going.
15 September 2006
Friday - Style Council
Anne made it very clear today that she did not like the crew-collared earthy-hued jumpers that everyone is wearing at the moment. Emerging bear like from her cave to ask Gary to get her some drinks, she worryingly claimed that it was some sort of conspiracy against her. Anne I might add, was still in her usual black smock that in a previous life had hosted a trapeze act and performing elephants.
"Its not a conspiracy," Dan said. "Its just fashion."
Next week, for dress down day, everyone is going to wear a green coloured top. I've already pressed mine.
"Its not a conspiracy," Dan said. "Its just fashion."
Next week, for dress down day, everyone is going to wear a green coloured top. I've already pressed mine.
14 September 2006
Thursday - Conspiracy Theory
Gareth's being paranoid again. Several times today he's claimed that the reason the company is cracking down on absenteeism is to find reasons to sack people so that they don't have to pay out as much on redundancy when they make us all redundant. Which Gareth claims is imminent.
He's also told Ted that he should be worried as the new age discrimination laws come in soon and the company may decide to retire him before he can sue.
I challenged him immediately on this.
"So why would the CEO tell you all of this instead of his department heads and managers?"
Gareth shuffled off with his tail between his legs.
I may think the company is a lot of things, but I don't believe in this amoral corporate entity. It's too ineffective for that. I think that people judge others by their own standards.
Later Jo booked Friday afternoon off. Her fifteenth this year. She has to prepare for her weekend on the town. Unfortunately Anne noticed. She's already made comment of the fact that she doesn't like staff taking odd days here and there.
"The staff handbook says that staff should take a least one two week holiday a year," She said.
"Because it insists on staff having a full break to recharge," I said.
"No. It's actually so that we can find out if anyone is defrauding the company. You can check what people are up to when they've been off for a long time. Staff who are committing fraud usually don't take any time off to cover their tracks. My source in HR told me this."
"Really? " I said. "HR told you that?"
"Yes. " Anne said.
"HR told you that this is recommended in the staff handbook to cut down on fraud?"
"Yes," she said again. "But not openly. Not as such. But I can read between the lines. I know what they really meant." Anne said with a sly nudge.
He's also told Ted that he should be worried as the new age discrimination laws come in soon and the company may decide to retire him before he can sue.
I challenged him immediately on this.
"So why would the CEO tell you all of this instead of his department heads and managers?"
Gareth shuffled off with his tail between his legs.
I may think the company is a lot of things, but I don't believe in this amoral corporate entity. It's too ineffective for that. I think that people judge others by their own standards.
Later Jo booked Friday afternoon off. Her fifteenth this year. She has to prepare for her weekend on the town. Unfortunately Anne noticed. She's already made comment of the fact that she doesn't like staff taking odd days here and there.
"The staff handbook says that staff should take a least one two week holiday a year," She said.
"Because it insists on staff having a full break to recharge," I said.
"No. It's actually so that we can find out if anyone is defrauding the company. You can check what people are up to when they've been off for a long time. Staff who are committing fraud usually don't take any time off to cover their tracks. My source in HR told me this."
"Really? " I said. "HR told you that?"
"Yes. " Anne said.
"HR told you that this is recommended in the staff handbook to cut down on fraud?"
"Yes," she said again. "But not openly. Not as such. But I can read between the lines. I know what they really meant." Anne said with a sly nudge.
Wednesday - A Farewell to Arms
The conversations the team has!
Ted had watched 'Touching the Void' the other night and took delight in telling the team every gruesome detail. This led Gareth to recount the news item from a while back about the climber who'd trapped his arm under a rock and had then hacked it off using a penknife to escape.
The team was split into those who would be able to do the same and those who just couldn't do it. There was then some debate as to what people would be willing to lose - apparently, little toes score very lowly as bodily parts.
"What appendages would you cut off to avoid death?" Dan asked Jez when he wandered into the vicinity.
"Any of yours," was Jez's reply.
Ted had watched 'Touching the Void' the other night and took delight in telling the team every gruesome detail. This led Gareth to recount the news item from a while back about the climber who'd trapped his arm under a rock and had then hacked it off using a penknife to escape.
The team was split into those who would be able to do the same and those who just couldn't do it. There was then some debate as to what people would be willing to lose - apparently, little toes score very lowly as bodily parts.
"What appendages would you cut off to avoid death?" Dan asked Jez when he wandered into the vicinity.
"Any of yours," was Jez's reply.
11 September 2006
Monday - The 'M' word
Dan's smelly stalker has left the building after one very honest phone call to the Agency. The girl on the end of the line seemed resigned to the fact that Sue was incapable of keeping hold of temporary work with an indefinite finish date.
I told her that "She wasn't really suited to our working environment."
The agency girl just sighed and said "Did you have to talk to her about her hygiene? I keep telling her about this."
I've now provided Anne with a list of Sue's duties as she requested in readiness for the next temp to stand before the firing line. That didn't stop Gary - now officially signed to PROJECTS - from approaching me while he crossed the last of his Customer Service Team tasks from his 'to do list' to request the same information for Anne. I politely explained that I'd already emailed this information to her, to which Gary suggested that I give it to him again just in case.
After giving him the info (again) we chatted about his new role.
He is now a New Markets Business Project Manager.
How easily the M word is thrown at job titles. All my friends are managers of various degrees. Even the man who cleans the toilets is referred to in his job description as Bathroom Hygiene Manager.
Its strange how something as superficial and meaningless as the semantics of a title can mean so much to people. If only the Peasants in the Wat Tyler Revolt had been given the job description of 'Earth Production Managers' then maybe history would have been slightly different.
Anne, of course believes the opposite, and is keen to make sure that our staff have titles that accurately reflect their lowly status in the food chain.
I told her that "She wasn't really suited to our working environment."
The agency girl just sighed and said "Did you have to talk to her about her hygiene? I keep telling her about this."
I've now provided Anne with a list of Sue's duties as she requested in readiness for the next temp to stand before the firing line. That didn't stop Gary - now officially signed to PROJECTS - from approaching me while he crossed the last of his Customer Service Team tasks from his 'to do list' to request the same information for Anne. I politely explained that I'd already emailed this information to her, to which Gary suggested that I give it to him again just in case.
After giving him the info (again) we chatted about his new role.
He is now a New Markets Business Project Manager.
How easily the M word is thrown at job titles. All my friends are managers of various degrees. Even the man who cleans the toilets is referred to in his job description as Bathroom Hygiene Manager.
Its strange how something as superficial and meaningless as the semantics of a title can mean so much to people. If only the Peasants in the Wat Tyler Revolt had been given the job description of 'Earth Production Managers' then maybe history would have been slightly different.
Anne, of course believes the opposite, and is keen to make sure that our staff have titles that accurately reflect their lowly status in the food chain.
05 September 2006
Tuesday - Women Scorned
Kate sat with Jo at lunchtime and helped her to trawl through Jo's drawer of celebrity gossip magazines for cheating liars. Every paparazzi'd photo of male stardom was categorised either as a Bastard, Prat or 'probably up to something, just hasn't been caught yet'. A month ago they would have been drooling over Jude Law, David Beckham and Ewan MacGregor - now the stars faced the unflinching judicial scrutiny of Dave's cast offs. How unforgiving the memory of women.
"Of course it it had been the other way around , it would have still been the man's fault," I said standing up for my gender where Dan, Ted and Gareth wouldn't dare.
They just flicked me a look that would have had Medusa green with envy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anne has had enough of Sue the Smelly Temp with a Dan fixation. She's called the agency and told them that her services are no longer required and then asked me for a list of her daily tasks so that we can cover her work when she goes. I handed her the full roster of Sue's duties.
"Is that it? That's all she does? Are you sure you haven't missed anything? You are a man after all. I would expect it," She said in a condescending way that was her idea of a joke.
"You woman are all the same," I said in a playful mood. "Always generalising!"
Anne cast me a stoney look that clearly indicated I'd just stepped over the line.
I can't wait to get home to the gf tonight!
"Of course it it had been the other way around , it would have still been the man's fault," I said standing up for my gender where Dan, Ted and Gareth wouldn't dare.
They just flicked me a look that would have had Medusa green with envy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anne has had enough of Sue the Smelly Temp with a Dan fixation. She's called the agency and told them that her services are no longer required and then asked me for a list of her daily tasks so that we can cover her work when she goes. I handed her the full roster of Sue's duties.
"Is that it? That's all she does? Are you sure you haven't missed anything? You are a man after all. I would expect it," She said in a condescending way that was her idea of a joke.
"You woman are all the same," I said in a playful mood. "Always generalising!"
Anne cast me a stoney look that clearly indicated I'd just stepped over the line.
I can't wait to get home to the gf tonight!
04 September 2006
Monday - Dissent in the Ranks
Gareth's become very agressive lately. I held a long overdue team meeting today to hammer home to the team Anne's usual points of contention. Whereas before timesheets had too much detail, now she finds that there isn't enough information on them.
"I don't see why we have to complete timesheets. Does Anne have to fill in a timesheet when she works?" said Gareth.
Anne's reply to her team leaders would have simply been- I'm the manager. I don't need to justify my time to you. - but I couldn't have told the team less I risk being strung up from the aircon.
"The timesheets are needed to measure quantifiable workflow processes. Anne's role is to oversee processes and identify best working practices. You couldn't really measure her work with a timesheet," I told the team. I felt quite pleased with my snappy on-the-spot response.
"I still don't see why she can't complete a time sheet. She could have a section for shouting a people. One for making people feel small and insignificant." Gareth continued unwilling to submit.
"Another one for name dropping board members as if they were her best friends in phone conversations to other department heads," Added Jo in an uncharacteristically accurate observation.
"Anne should complete a timesheet every day just as we have to," said Gareth.
"Look," I said reasonably. "The only person who could assess Anne's use of her time is Des and he hasn't asked Anne to complete a timesheet. Anne is our boss and she wants use to complete them. Until Des asks Anne to do the same, it just isn't going to happen."
The team accepted my answer.
After the meeting I pulled Kate to one side to speak to her after returning to us from Jez's team. I asked her how she felt about rejoining my bunch of misfits after a brief moment in the ascendancy of Team Jez. I almost apologised to her.
"No. It's okay," Kate said. "Jez is alright but they don't get much work done," she said.
It was all I could do to stop myself from pumping my fist Tim Henman style. I was on a roll.
"I don't see why we have to complete timesheets. Does Anne have to fill in a timesheet when she works?" said Gareth.
Anne's reply to her team leaders would have simply been- I'm the manager. I don't need to justify my time to you. - but I couldn't have told the team less I risk being strung up from the aircon.
"The timesheets are needed to measure quantifiable workflow processes. Anne's role is to oversee processes and identify best working practices. You couldn't really measure her work with a timesheet," I told the team. I felt quite pleased with my snappy on-the-spot response.
"I still don't see why she can't complete a time sheet. She could have a section for shouting a people. One for making people feel small and insignificant." Gareth continued unwilling to submit.
"Another one for name dropping board members as if they were her best friends in phone conversations to other department heads," Added Jo in an uncharacteristically accurate observation.
"Anne should complete a timesheet every day just as we have to," said Gareth.
"Look," I said reasonably. "The only person who could assess Anne's use of her time is Des and he hasn't asked Anne to complete a timesheet. Anne is our boss and she wants use to complete them. Until Des asks Anne to do the same, it just isn't going to happen."
The team accepted my answer.
After the meeting I pulled Kate to one side to speak to her after returning to us from Jez's team. I asked her how she felt about rejoining my bunch of misfits after a brief moment in the ascendancy of Team Jez. I almost apologised to her.
"No. It's okay," Kate said. "Jez is alright but they don't get much work done," she said.
It was all I could do to stop myself from pumping my fist Tim Henman style. I was on a roll.
03 September 2006
New Look Site!
At last I've got around to rejigging the site, I hope you enjoy the 'new bluey-ish look'.
I've also taken the opportunity to add in some links that you may find interesting/relevant/funny. If it's your first time here then please make use of the Induction Course - the blog won't make sense otherwise!
If you're here looking for a different kind of slavery - and you know who you are - please hit that back button immediately!
I've also taken the opportunity to add in some links that you may find interesting/relevant/funny. If it's your first time here then please make use of the Induction Course - the blog won't make sense otherwise!
If you're here looking for a different kind of slavery - and you know who you are - please hit that back button immediately!
01 September 2006
Friday - Control Freak
Gary's been moved to Projects! Projects with a capital 'P'. This is bad news for Gary, although the emailed announcement puts the usual positive spin on the news about it being a transfer to utilise his knowledge and expertise, everyone really knows that a move to Projects is just a sideways shuffle closer to the exit. Already Anne is making noises about getting an new Assistant Manager in to replace him. Experience tells me we'll be collecting for Gary's leaving card soon. On the upside, Kate is coming back into my team, although I don't know how she will view this as she's been holidaying in Camp Jez for the past few weeks. I'll await her reaction.
Anne was moaning about the standard of clothing for dress-down Friday. She's now drawn up a list of 'guidelines' for us to issue to the workers. They are;
1) Jeans can be worn but must not have any holes, slashes or large textual designs.
2) Men must wear smart casual attire. eg Polo-shirts, tailored shirts with collars.
3) Women must wear clothing that covers the upper arms and must not show an excessive amount of flesh ie: cleavage.
4) There can be absolutely no: trainers, baseball caps, hoodies, shorts, crop tops, miniskirts, flip-flops or leggings.
The upshot of this now is that dress-down Friday is just a normal day with jeans.
Once started, Anne couldn't stop and inspired by her dress-down dress code she posted an email with more 'house-rules'. It continued,
1) Staff can only have one personal photograph on their desk.
2) Staff can no longer use their mobile phones in the canteen.
Gareth cut out some pictures of the CEO and pasted them over his workstation in response.
"Why can't we use our mobile phones in the canteen?" Jo complained. "Anne uses her mobile all the time in the office."
"That's because Anne has a company mobile," I told her repeating corporate mantra. "She only takes work related calls and you make calls to find out what time your mates will be at Yates' Wine Lodge."
Anne was moaning about the standard of clothing for dress-down Friday. She's now drawn up a list of 'guidelines' for us to issue to the workers. They are;
1) Jeans can be worn but must not have any holes, slashes or large textual designs.
2) Men must wear smart casual attire. eg Polo-shirts, tailored shirts with collars.
3) Women must wear clothing that covers the upper arms and must not show an excessive amount of flesh ie: cleavage.
4) There can be absolutely no: trainers, baseball caps, hoodies, shorts, crop tops, miniskirts, flip-flops or leggings.
The upshot of this now is that dress-down Friday is just a normal day with jeans.
Once started, Anne couldn't stop and inspired by her dress-down dress code she posted an email with more 'house-rules'. It continued,
1) Staff can only have one personal photograph on their desk.
2) Staff can no longer use their mobile phones in the canteen.
Gareth cut out some pictures of the CEO and pasted them over his workstation in response.
"Why can't we use our mobile phones in the canteen?" Jo complained. "Anne uses her mobile all the time in the office."
"That's because Anne has a company mobile," I told her repeating corporate mantra. "She only takes work related calls and you make calls to find out what time your mates will be at Yates' Wine Lodge."
31 August 2006
Thursday - The X Factor
Jo came in today wearing something that - as Dan described it - 'looked like something that his Nana would use as a cushion,'
"You're always getting at me," Jo retorted. "You laugh at the things I do. Calling me Nicki. You made fun of my boyfriend and think that he's a git." She said.
"No. We don't think he's a git," I told her in my most concerned supervisory tone.
"I'm not seeing him anymore," Jo said.
"Ok," said Gareth. "Actually he is a git then. We always thought he was."
"You could do better than him," added Ted. Dan looked hopeful. The look on his face faded when Sue emerged from Jez's team. Her arm was in a plastercast. The result of a longwinded incident involving one of her cats, some worming tablets and a swivel chair.
"There's a funny smell coming from my PC," She told me eyeing up Kate's empty desk expectantly. This was a strange excuse from a woman to whom I'd had to explain the use of deoderant in a civilised society.
I asked her to tell Jez, but he was in a meeting.
"I don't want to use it in case it electrocutes me or summat," She said (Sue was from Leeds)
I was about to show her to Kate's empty desk but saw the look of extreme panic in Dan's eyes. I found another desk away from our team.
"You ever upset me and I'm requesting that she's transfered to our team," I told Dan.
"You're always getting at me," Jo retorted. "You laugh at the things I do. Calling me Nicki. You made fun of my boyfriend and think that he's a git." She said.
"No. We don't think he's a git," I told her in my most concerned supervisory tone.
"I'm not seeing him anymore," Jo said.
"Ok," said Gareth. "Actually he is a git then. We always thought he was."
"You could do better than him," added Ted. Dan looked hopeful. The look on his face faded when Sue emerged from Jez's team. Her arm was in a plastercast. The result of a longwinded incident involving one of her cats, some worming tablets and a swivel chair.
"There's a funny smell coming from my PC," She told me eyeing up Kate's empty desk expectantly. This was a strange excuse from a woman to whom I'd had to explain the use of deoderant in a civilised society.
I asked her to tell Jez, but he was in a meeting.
"I don't want to use it in case it electrocutes me or summat," She said (Sue was from Leeds)
I was about to show her to Kate's empty desk but saw the look of extreme panic in Dan's eyes. I found another desk away from our team.
"You ever upset me and I'm requesting that she's transfered to our team," I told Dan.
29 August 2006
Tuesday - Damage Limitation
Sue the temp - yes, she's still here - claimed that her PC was making a funny buzzing noise today. She was reluctant to sit at her desk in case the screen exploded and gave her a number of unwanted piercings.
Jez was on manoeuvres so I sat her in the Kate's old desk opposite Dan. For the rest of the afternoon, Sue battered Dan with a torrent of banal chatter about her dog, her mum and all of the accidents she keeps having. No wonder she was worried about the screen. She seemed to have taken a shine to Dan, much in the same way that a puppy likes to slobber over an old slipper. I phoned the helpdesk to get them to look into her buzzing PC.
Gary summoned me to his desk. "Anne's asked me to have a word with you," He said. I knew it must be bad because Anne always asked Gary to have a word when she was very, very, very, very angry and didn't want to do ten years for manslaughter.
"You raised an IT request a couple of weeks ago," Gary continued. I nodded. "The thing is, I, and Anne need to understand this IT request. And IT need to know who authorised it in this department."
"I authorised it. I've got departmental self-authorisation for up to £1000 spend. It's normal team leader authority level."
"But who gave you that authority?" Asked Gary.
"Anne did. She asked for it because she was fed up of having to authorise all IT requests herself."
"Ah. Right," Said Gary. "Anne wants to see all IT requests in future. Before you authorise them."
"So she wants to authorise them again?"
"No. You can still authorise them but Anne needs to see them first. And agree that they can be authorised."
Suddenly I understood what had happened. "This has all come about because of my complaints about IT not meeting with their service standards isn't it. Someone has started asking these questions to deflect attention away from their department and focus it on something completely inconsequential,"
"I don't know the ins and outs of the background of this," said Gary. "But Anne's asked that you don't do anything, or say anything, to anyone outside this department that may draw any sort of attention to us."
Jez was on manoeuvres so I sat her in the Kate's old desk opposite Dan. For the rest of the afternoon, Sue battered Dan with a torrent of banal chatter about her dog, her mum and all of the accidents she keeps having. No wonder she was worried about the screen. She seemed to have taken a shine to Dan, much in the same way that a puppy likes to slobber over an old slipper. I phoned the helpdesk to get them to look into her buzzing PC.
Gary summoned me to his desk. "Anne's asked me to have a word with you," He said. I knew it must be bad because Anne always asked Gary to have a word when she was very, very, very, very angry and didn't want to do ten years for manslaughter.
"You raised an IT request a couple of weeks ago," Gary continued. I nodded. "The thing is, I, and Anne need to understand this IT request. And IT need to know who authorised it in this department."
"I authorised it. I've got departmental self-authorisation for up to £1000 spend. It's normal team leader authority level."
"But who gave you that authority?" Asked Gary.
"Anne did. She asked for it because she was fed up of having to authorise all IT requests herself."
"Ah. Right," Said Gary. "Anne wants to see all IT requests in future. Before you authorise them."
"So she wants to authorise them again?"
"No. You can still authorise them but Anne needs to see them first. And agree that they can be authorised."
Suddenly I understood what had happened. "This has all come about because of my complaints about IT not meeting with their service standards isn't it. Someone has started asking these questions to deflect attention away from their department and focus it on something completely inconsequential,"
"I don't know the ins and outs of the background of this," said Gary. "But Anne's asked that you don't do anything, or say anything, to anyone outside this department that may draw any sort of attention to us."
23 August 2006
Wednesday - Viewing Habits
Big Brother is finally off the air so no longer do I have to put up with Ms Wage-Slave's 10 PM Channel 4 obsession but I also don't have to put up with Jo, Dan and Gareth bleating on about who they want to win every morning.
My relief this week has been shortlived. 'Love Island' has replaced conversation about how mad Nicky is (See I even know their names!) and Jo has reminded me that a new series of X-Factor began on Saturday so I have to endure yet more of Simon Cowell cruelly destroying the hopes of untalented people who clearly appear to have quite severe learning disabilities.
I've started socialising in the canteen with Ted. Despite the age gap I worry that I have more in common with him than the others. He is giving me grumbling lessons.
My relief this week has been shortlived. 'Love Island' has replaced conversation about how mad Nicky is (See I even know their names!) and Jo has reminded me that a new series of X-Factor began on Saturday so I have to endure yet more of Simon Cowell cruelly destroying the hopes of untalented people who clearly appear to have quite severe learning disabilities.
I've started socialising in the canteen with Ted. Despite the age gap I worry that I have more in common with him than the others. He is giving me grumbling lessons.
Tuesday - Easy to do business with
The new corporate buzz phrase is that 'we're easy to do business with' and the now ubiquitous phrase can be found in company magazines, promotional literature, advertising guff and on the toilet rolls in the company washrooms.
My own dealings, however, as a member of the company, and technically, an insider with assumed inside knowledge, have been far from easy. My encounter with Eastern Europe is a case in point. If even I can't get through to the right person in the corporation and am subjected to the 'one-way system' of telephonic technology, what hope is there for Distressed of Ealing? The inhouse phone directory was a dead-end, a friendly voice cutting me off after announcing that 'the person I need is not available right now. Please call again later.' and switchboard could not put me through because 'all lines to that department are now routed to the Baltic Sea.
My day was made worse by a friendly little email from the IT department stating that my IT request was now complete and had been closed. I opened my desktop and sure enough there was a new and shiny little icon just waiting to be clicked. But clicking on it only brought about a sudden snarl of agression from the PC , that unwelcome miskeyed chord that microsoft windows loves so much.
'You do not have the required access for this application. Please see your system administrator.'
Obviously IT were wrong and the IT request had not been completed. I phoned the number given in the email.
'Oh no,' said the officious IT request minion. "'Your IT request did not specify that you wanted to be able to use the application. You just requested the application on your desktop,'
'Well what do you think I wanted it there for? To make the desktop look pretty? Of course I wanted to use it,'
'Not on the request,' said the IT drone, knowing that if he could keep me from reinstating the IT request that there would be one less IT request on the outstanding IT request backlog report. 'If you want to use the application you'll have to complete a new IT request,' He said smugly. 'There's a 10 working day service level standard.'
Match point to IT.
My own dealings, however, as a member of the company, and technically, an insider with assumed inside knowledge, have been far from easy. My encounter with Eastern Europe is a case in point. If even I can't get through to the right person in the corporation and am subjected to the 'one-way system' of telephonic technology, what hope is there for Distressed of Ealing? The inhouse phone directory was a dead-end, a friendly voice cutting me off after announcing that 'the person I need is not available right now. Please call again later.' and switchboard could not put me through because 'all lines to that department are now routed to the Baltic Sea.
My day was made worse by a friendly little email from the IT department stating that my IT request was now complete and had been closed. I opened my desktop and sure enough there was a new and shiny little icon just waiting to be clicked. But clicking on it only brought about a sudden snarl of agression from the PC , that unwelcome miskeyed chord that microsoft windows loves so much.
'You do not have the required access for this application. Please see your system administrator.'
Obviously IT were wrong and the IT request had not been completed. I phoned the number given in the email.
'Oh no,' said the officious IT request minion. "'Your IT request did not specify that you wanted to be able to use the application. You just requested the application on your desktop,'
'Well what do you think I wanted it there for? To make the desktop look pretty? Of course I wanted to use it,'
'Not on the request,' said the IT drone, knowing that if he could keep me from reinstating the IT request that there would be one less IT request on the outstanding IT request backlog report. 'If you want to use the application you'll have to complete a new IT request,' He said smugly. 'There's a 10 working day service level standard.'
Match point to IT.
15 August 2006
Tuesday - Passage to Poland
As part of further investigation into 'Arrogant man's' complaint, I had to phone the Head Underwriting Office. Unfortunately a number of our most basic functions have been outsourced to the newly EU'd up Eastern European neighbours to 'improve customer service' under the new macho, Leopard Project. - Why do these project sponsors give them such agressive titles. Do they believe that they're really spies working for MI6? A reality check is needed urgently -
I called the external number for our Manchester office, an 0870 number, given to customers so that they can be happy in the fact that they are charged to phone up and complain.
The phone was answered, I needed to speak to a woman called Emma who had apparently dealt with 'arrogant man' before matters had escalated to their current meltdown status and 'arrogant man' started worrying about God jumping the queue in front of him.
"Goodafternoon. Youarethroughto'Michael', IamacustomerservicesrepresentativeintheCustomerServicesdepartment. MayIhaveapolicynumberplease?" Said a heavily accented voice that sounded as if he was auditioning for a school play.
"I need to speak to Emma - Can you put me through to her?"
This obviously threw 'Michael'.
"I'm-sorry-may-I-have-your-policy-number-please?"
"It's not about a policy. I need to speak to Emma in the Head Underwriters,"
"I'm-sorry," Michael said. I hadn't stuck to the script and he couldn't handle it. "I-am-not-able-to-understand-your-request. Please-can-you-provide-me-with-a-policy-number-so-that-I-may-assist-you?
"My name is Luke Willshire from the Company Complaints team in ---. I'm trying to get through to the Manchester Head Underwriting. Am I through to Gdansk?"
'Michael' seemed to relax a bit more now. "Which-department-does-he-work-in?"
"Manchester Head Underwriting," I said patiently.
"Yes. In which department does he work?"
"Don't worry. I'll try sonething else," I told 'Michael'.
I rang off and phoned through to switchboard. These ladies knew everything. I had a sneaky suspicion that they were the real controllers of the company. I explained my dilemma and asked if they could transfer me to Manchester Head Underwriting.
The phone rang. Someone answered.
"Goodafternoonyouarethroughto'Simon'Iamacustomerservicesrepresentativeincustomerserviceshowmayihelpyou?"
I called the external number for our Manchester office, an 0870 number, given to customers so that they can be happy in the fact that they are charged to phone up and complain.
The phone was answered, I needed to speak to a woman called Emma who had apparently dealt with 'arrogant man' before matters had escalated to their current meltdown status and 'arrogant man' started worrying about God jumping the queue in front of him.
"Goodafternoon. Youarethroughto'Michael', IamacustomerservicesrepresentativeintheCustomerServicesdepartment. MayIhaveapolicynumberplease?" Said a heavily accented voice that sounded as if he was auditioning for a school play.
"I need to speak to Emma - Can you put me through to her?"
This obviously threw 'Michael'.
"I'm-sorry-may-I-have-your-policy-number-please?"
"It's not about a policy. I need to speak to Emma in the Head Underwriters,"
"I'm-sorry," Michael said. I hadn't stuck to the script and he couldn't handle it. "I-am-not-able-to-understand-your-request. Please-can-you-provide-me-with-a-policy-number-so-that-I-may-assist-you?
"My name is Luke Willshire from the Company Complaints team in ---. I'm trying to get through to the Manchester Head Underwriting. Am I through to Gdansk?"
'Michael' seemed to relax a bit more now. "Which-department-does-he-work-in?"
"Manchester Head Underwriting," I said patiently.
"Yes. In which department does he work?"
"Don't worry. I'll try sonething else," I told 'Michael'.
I rang off and phoned through to switchboard. These ladies knew everything. I had a sneaky suspicion that they were the real controllers of the company. I explained my dilemma and asked if they could transfer me to Manchester Head Underwriting.
The phone rang. Someone answered.
"Goodafternoonyouarethroughto'Simon'Iamacustomerservicesrepresentativeincustomerserviceshowmayihelpyou?"
14 August 2006
Monday (again) - Suspicions about Anne
I'm getting really slack at keeping the blog up to date for which I can only apologise. The trouble is I have too much real life going on at the moment and sometimes writing this makes me feel like I'm just living all of the bad bits - twice!
I've noticed a couple of things about Anne. Maybe I'm a bit slow but it seems that Jez, and anyone in his team can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how little Anne thought of them prior to joining his team, once they're in they're angels. Kate is a case in point. I had to battle to get her efforts recognised when she was in my team. Now she's in Jez's, she only has to turn up and she's employee of the month. But it doesn't stop there.
After my run in with 'the most arrogant man in the world' last week. I had to provide Anne with a full investigation of the incidents leading up to his complaint. I can't go into detail here but it is partly although not entirely connected to a failure of one of our accounting processes. I explained this to Anne on my brief. She didn't believe me. She asked me questions about the account process. I answered them and explained exactly how it works and why in this case it didn't for this customer. She took my file and shooed me out of her cave, thanking me, but only as an afterthought from her 'getting the best from your employees training module.'
I overheard her putting the same questions to Jez a short while later, and Jez, knowing the same about processes as I do, gave her exactly the same answers that I did. With one difference.
She believed Jez.
Is it that I don't sound convincing? Does my nose grow and spout leaves when I talk to people? Why wouldn't Anne believe me but listen to Jez even though he is saying the same thing that I am.
It appears to both me and Tracey (I caught her crying after one nasty run-in with her earlier) that Anne judges people by her own perception of them rather than the reality. As a result, in Anne's mind, Jez is a hard-working, strong willed, disciplanarian who really brings his team on.
In my view, Jez is a bolshy slacker, who does what he can to appease his team members (ie; long lunches, leave agreed whenever they want it without department needs considered) and then
blags everything the rest of the time. But my view doesn't count. I'm not signing the appraisals.
If the most successful people in the company are the biggest bullshitters, someone had better have a large shovel handy.
I've noticed a couple of things about Anne. Maybe I'm a bit slow but it seems that Jez, and anyone in his team can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how little Anne thought of them prior to joining his team, once they're in they're angels. Kate is a case in point. I had to battle to get her efforts recognised when she was in my team. Now she's in Jez's, she only has to turn up and she's employee of the month. But it doesn't stop there.
After my run in with 'the most arrogant man in the world' last week. I had to provide Anne with a full investigation of the incidents leading up to his complaint. I can't go into detail here but it is partly although not entirely connected to a failure of one of our accounting processes. I explained this to Anne on my brief. She didn't believe me. She asked me questions about the account process. I answered them and explained exactly how it works and why in this case it didn't for this customer. She took my file and shooed me out of her cave, thanking me, but only as an afterthought from her 'getting the best from your employees training module.'
I overheard her putting the same questions to Jez a short while later, and Jez, knowing the same about processes as I do, gave her exactly the same answers that I did. With one difference.
She believed Jez.
Is it that I don't sound convincing? Does my nose grow and spout leaves when I talk to people? Why wouldn't Anne believe me but listen to Jez even though he is saying the same thing that I am.
It appears to both me and Tracey (I caught her crying after one nasty run-in with her earlier) that Anne judges people by her own perception of them rather than the reality. As a result, in Anne's mind, Jez is a hard-working, strong willed, disciplanarian who really brings his team on.
In my view, Jez is a bolshy slacker, who does what he can to appease his team members (ie; long lunches, leave agreed whenever they want it without department needs considered) and then
blags everything the rest of the time. But my view doesn't count. I'm not signing the appraisals.
If the most successful people in the company are the biggest bullshitters, someone had better have a large shovel handy.
01 August 2006
Tuesday - The most arrogant man in the world
We live in a 24 hour, want-it-now, customer-is-always-right society and it shows in the attitudes of some of our callers. I have been threatened with Watchdog, the severest of letters to MP's and even on one occassion 'to be sorted out' when I left the office, but most of the time its just a nod and a wink and a 'what can you do for me? '. Because everyone knows, if you don't complain, you don't get.
If we're in the wrong, its easy to deal with, apologise profusely, offer some sort of compensation - not neccessarily monetary, but if we're not then that's a different story. I've known of customers who've lost their houses and families through the most monumental corporate cock-ups and then apologise to us for inconveniencing us when they call in six months later to chase things up and then others who'll demand thousands of pounds in compensation because we've got an extra 'e' in their surname. Even though it was copied from their own handwritten proposal form.
This brings me to today's subject - Mr Arrogantarse - yes, you know who you are. No use hiding.
Ted called me over to his desk.
"I've got someone who insists on speaking to a team leader," Ted said. I nodded and switched into sympathetic but firm senior staff member mode and took the handset from Ted.
"Hello. My name is Luke Willshire. I'm Ted's team leader, how may I help you?"
"Are you a manager?" The voice asked.
"I'm a team leader," I said foolishly.
"I asked for a manager." His voice started to increase in pitch as if someone was winding him up. "I specifically asked for a manager. I don't believe this company,"
"I am Ted's direct line manager," said hoping to placate the caller. wasn't going to argue semantics and the corporate heirarchy.
"I don't want to speak to you. I asked for the most senior manager there. Are you the most senior person in your office?"
This could have gone two ways. I could have blagged it as other colleagues have done but this could backfire and badly.
"No. But I am the best person to help you with your enquiry. If you could tell me what it is about then -"
"Not good enough. I want to speak to the most senior manager. I want to speak to them now. I don't want to talk to you. You are not a manager."
I had enough of Anne telling me this everyday. Now the customers were too. Anne was in her cave scowling at bar charts whilst loading a heavy duty salmon and cream-cheese bagel into her mouth. Gary was at his desk reading e-mails.
"I'm afraid the manager is on the phone at the moment," I said. "Could you tell me what this is in realtion to?"
"What is his name?"
"Anne Sullivan," I said. She wouldn't be happy.
"Well she better be speaking to God because only he is more important than me," said the caller.
"I will get her to call you back," I said thinking that I could give her some breathing space.
"As soon as she is off the phone," the caller said and then hung up the phone. I didn't get his name or number. Was he that arrogant - or stupid to believe that we knew exactly who he was or what his number was.
I checked with Ted to see if he had any more information. He didn't. The only thing he'd said was that he wanted to speak to a manager.
"You could always tell Anne that Jesus called and she knows where he is," said Dan.
If we're in the wrong, its easy to deal with, apologise profusely, offer some sort of compensation - not neccessarily monetary, but if we're not then that's a different story. I've known of customers who've lost their houses and families through the most monumental corporate cock-ups and then apologise to us for inconveniencing us when they call in six months later to chase things up and then others who'll demand thousands of pounds in compensation because we've got an extra 'e' in their surname. Even though it was copied from their own handwritten proposal form.
This brings me to today's subject - Mr Arrogantarse - yes, you know who you are. No use hiding.
Ted called me over to his desk.
"I've got someone who insists on speaking to a team leader," Ted said. I nodded and switched into sympathetic but firm senior staff member mode and took the handset from Ted.
"Hello. My name is Luke Willshire. I'm Ted's team leader, how may I help you?"
"Are you a manager?" The voice asked.
"I'm a team leader," I said foolishly.
"I asked for a manager." His voice started to increase in pitch as if someone was winding him up. "I specifically asked for a manager. I don't believe this company,"
"I am Ted's direct line manager," said hoping to placate the caller. wasn't going to argue semantics and the corporate heirarchy.
"I don't want to speak to you. I asked for the most senior manager there. Are you the most senior person in your office?"
This could have gone two ways. I could have blagged it as other colleagues have done but this could backfire and badly.
"No. But I am the best person to help you with your enquiry. If you could tell me what it is about then -"
"Not good enough. I want to speak to the most senior manager. I want to speak to them now. I don't want to talk to you. You are not a manager."
I had enough of Anne telling me this everyday. Now the customers were too. Anne was in her cave scowling at bar charts whilst loading a heavy duty salmon and cream-cheese bagel into her mouth. Gary was at his desk reading e-mails.
"I'm afraid the manager is on the phone at the moment," I said. "Could you tell me what this is in realtion to?"
"What is his name?"
"Anne Sullivan," I said. She wouldn't be happy.
"Well she better be speaking to God because only he is more important than me," said the caller.
"I will get her to call you back," I said thinking that I could give her some breathing space.
"As soon as she is off the phone," the caller said and then hung up the phone. I didn't get his name or number. Was he that arrogant - or stupid to believe that we knew exactly who he was or what his number was.
I checked with Ted to see if he had any more information. He didn't. The only thing he'd said was that he wanted to speak to a manager.
"You could always tell Anne that Jesus called and she knows where he is," said Dan.
26 July 2006
Wednesday - Smelly Temp
Emailed instructions from Anne today as she was away at Head Office: 1- Make sure that backlog's cleared. 2-Keep phone levels at 95% 3- Deal with Jez's temp hygiene problem.
I had to reread the third instruction three times before it sank in. She wasn't referring to Dave but Jez's other temp - Sue. Sitting over the other side of the office I wasn't aware that she had a hygiene problem and as she was Jez's temp I couldn't understand why I had to deal with it.
The trouble is how do you approach something like that? Just tell them they smell? Suggest they use deoderant? What if it's due to a medical condition? I don't want to hurt the woman's feelings and she always looks likes shes about to burst into tears.
I prepared my interview with her and plan exactly what I'm going to say. I even prepared responses to anticipated replies.
I took Sue into a meeting room, the odour was like a solid wall. I could have chewed on it if I'd dared to breath.
"Sue," I began. "I've been asked to speak to you -"
Before I could finish she interupted me.
"Oh sorry have I forgotten to spray again?"
I nod.
"Sorry I was in such a rush this morning. Can I nip out to Boots and sort myself out?"
I have no alternative but to let her go. Surprisingly she returns and balsts her pits in the middle of the office without any hint of embarrassment.
"Can you sort out Gareth's wind problem as well," Suggests Ted.
I had to reread the third instruction three times before it sank in. She wasn't referring to Dave but Jez's other temp - Sue. Sitting over the other side of the office I wasn't aware that she had a hygiene problem and as she was Jez's temp I couldn't understand why I had to deal with it.
The trouble is how do you approach something like that? Just tell them they smell? Suggest they use deoderant? What if it's due to a medical condition? I don't want to hurt the woman's feelings and she always looks likes shes about to burst into tears.
I prepared my interview with her and plan exactly what I'm going to say. I even prepared responses to anticipated replies.
I took Sue into a meeting room, the odour was like a solid wall. I could have chewed on it if I'd dared to breath.
"Sue," I began. "I've been asked to speak to you -"
Before I could finish she interupted me.
"Oh sorry have I forgotten to spray again?"
I nod.
"Sorry I was in such a rush this morning. Can I nip out to Boots and sort myself out?"
I have no alternative but to let her go. Surprisingly she returns and balsts her pits in the middle of the office without any hint of embarrassment.
"Can you sort out Gareth's wind problem as well," Suggests Ted.
25 July 2006
Tuesday - PC's of Fire
The quiet of the day was broken by a scream from Jo's desk.
"My PC's on fire," she told me in a panic.
She'd moved the base unit to free up some wires that had snagged at the back and had noticed an orange flame behind the grille at the back of the PC. I got to it just before Dan had thrown a cup of water over the machine.
A quick check revealed no smoke or burning and the orange glow was merely the result of an LED quietly doing its job and letting us know that the connection it monitored was indeed connected.
"No Jo, I don't think you're stupid." I said pre-empting her usual wail, "It is better to be safe than sorry and anyone could have made the same mistake."
"My PC's on fire," she told me in a panic.
She'd moved the base unit to free up some wires that had snagged at the back and had noticed an orange flame behind the grille at the back of the PC. I got to it just before Dan had thrown a cup of water over the machine.
A quick check revealed no smoke or burning and the orange glow was merely the result of an LED quietly doing its job and letting us know that the connection it monitored was indeed connected.
"No Jo, I don't think you're stupid." I said pre-empting her usual wail, "It is better to be safe than sorry and anyone could have made the same mistake."
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